Baby number 5 on the way and I'm scared about what people will think

[Featheringthenest]

My husband and I have 4 amazing children under the age of 11 and this weekend we found out that we're expecting baby number 5. I desperately want to be excited but my overwhelming feeling is anxiety because I'm scared of what people are going to say and think. I'm very fortunate to be a full time stay at home Mum as my husband has an excellent job so I've never had to rely on people to look after my children and that won't change with the new baby. Am I overthinking this or is there still a stigma around large families? With 4 children I'm told all the time by strangers that I "must be mad" or "blimey, you're brave" which after a while hurts because my children are so well behaved and quite frankly my favourite people to be around. I know this won't have anything to do with anyone else and that I shouldn't care what others think but the truth is I do. Any advice would be gratefully welcomed. Thank you

Congratulations OP but why do you sound shocked to find out you're pregnant? Surely you should understand about the birds and the bees as well as contraception by now?!
BTW I don't judge you for having any amount of children but you do need to start sounding less smug about your life! I'm pretty sure that's what people would comment / judge you about in real life not the amount of children you have! In fact I think I may even know you in RL by the way you express yourself on this thread!!

I don't know how number 5 could be an accident

Fair enough. Personally, I didn’t want my DD to start adulthood 40k in debt. I also don’t want her to have to rent or live in a dump or ever depend on a man.

A room of one’s own and all that.

I'd think,

'How lovely, I hope you have a beautiful, healthy child'. Oh, and 'she must be knackered'

I tend not to judge, I find unless you've walked in someone else's shoes for a while you never know the half of it.

I’m child free by choice (for many reasons including, but not limited to, environmental concerns) so my views will probably differ quite a bit to yours.

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t give it much thought in real life, but since you asked...

I had a friend who was the eldest of five when I was at school and I just felt sorry for him when we were teenagers. He went without a lot, both attention, personal space and material possessions, because of the number of children in the family. A friend who was third out of seven had an even harder deal in each of those respects. I’d wonder how your other children felt about another.

I also knew a mother who had four children, a wealthy husband with a good job and lived a dream lifestyle. Then he left her. She ended up in a two bed council flat whilst he disappeared and had a baby with a new partner. She couldn’t work because of child care commitments and she had been out of work for a long time too. She couldn’t cope and really hit rock bottom. I’m concerned you’re leaving yourself vulnerable should something happen to your partner. If I were to have children, I’d want to ensure I was financially independent and had a plan should something happen to my DH.

OP, I feel like this is all cultural. In Israel, people think you are strange or deprived if you have less than 3 children, 5 is not weird at all. And that applies for secular israelis too.

In other countries, children belong to the extended family and the larger community. Here children are seen only as a cost or only for the parents' personal satisfaction. Therefore, every extra child is seen as a burden.

Desiringonlychild yes, but those cultural things arose for a reason and can change.

For example, in Indonesia, it was cultural to have lots of kids, you needed them to provide for your old age.
Then the country became massively over populated. The country became better off, and fewer children died. The country then introduced a massive publicity campaign "Two children is enough" and within one generation the social norm became 2, and older people were embarrased to tell you that had 6 kids.

Similarly in Kazakhstan, the president wanted to increase the population, and especially encourgae Kazakhs to have children, so that the population balance became more Kazakhs and fewer Russians. He gave out prizes for families who had 10 children and made a huge thing of beautiful large families. The average family size rapidly increased.

@steppemum thats why I raised Israel as an example. Its not a third world country and has pretty high living standards. the cost of living in tel aviv isn't much less than London (rent is slightly cheaper, but the cost of food almost cancels that out). A lot of people say israelis have babies so that there would be more soldiers, and also to replace the 6 million lost during the holocaust ( the total jewish population still hasn't reached 1942 levels). But i think its more than that, cos Jews in Europe produce far fewer babies than their israeli counterparts despite being on average more religious. Its cos Israeli society is so centered on family- my SIL in israel said that when she got married, her boss was all 'congrats, take as much leave as you like!' and its the same if your kid is sick. In UK, its just not the same.

I’d think that if we had to worry what everyone thought about our decisions then we wouldn’t do a lot of the things we wished to do in case people didn’t approve of our life choices. If you want 5 children and have the time, energy and finances necessary then that’s your choice.

but my point was, if they wanted to change that cultural norm, ie do to climate change, it is possible to shift a cultural perspective.

The thing you often hear on these threads is: ‘I love large busy families’. You could also get that by having 2 or 3 birth children then fostering or adopting a sibling group. Now those people I really do admire.

You will also hear "I would hate a busy, chaotic home life"

TBH that would be my worst nightmare
Each to their own.

No - our home was more along the lines of the Von Traps. Mum was very organised and orderly.

Congrats OP.

The same people who judge you for having five children are being judged by others for being overweight (for example)

You can’t live for other people’s approval.

I think the problem is that we are rapidly reaching a time when saying 'each to their own' will no longer be enough. Whether that is due to climate crisis, overcrowding or too many cars on the road. Not to particularly pick on what you are saying Ginfordinner, as you were just talking about preferences.

I am in my forties and think that within my lifetime we will see far greater restrictions on the 'rights' or preferences of the individual to do, reproduce or consume as they like, even in the UK.

I’m one of six dc, I know however much you love them you will never be able to give one on one time in any decent amount to any of them. So congrats but it’s something I personally don’t think is a good idea but it’s a bit late now.

Congratulations!

Personally I'd not ask for strangers' opinions. Opinions are like arsholes...everyone has one ;)

If it works for you & your hubby then that's all that should matter.

Good luck & stay safe x

Honestly, it would make me think of my friend who was one of 5. She hated it. Said it was difficult to have any privacy or peace. She was expected to help out with the younger ones or include them when her friends came over so her friends stopped coming. She moved out the second she could and is now childfree by choice. Her brothers and sisters are also childfree or have one.

Doesn't obviously mean it is like that for everyone of course. But I would wonder how you could give them individual time or help them through Uni etc. But then I would remember it is none of my business really

Congratulations- enjoy.

I'm wondering, OP, if you are new to MN because otherwise why would you ask this question when you would know that people will tell you exactly what they think.

I am childless so am not aware of all the boards but there must be one on here where people will ooh and aaah over you having a fifth.

I agree with a lot of posters, the planet is over-populated and if the coronavirus doesn't kill enough to bring down numbers I reckon whatever comes next will make CV look like a picnic.

If you truly care for the environment you would advocate for voluntary euthanasia at say 70 or maybe 75 if we’re feeling generous

I'd definitely go for something like that. Or at least when I'm not physically or mentally capable of living a life that I enjoy. You'd have to rethink the whole pensions industry though, because I've currently got a rather decent pension provision, that I wouldn't have bothered with if I knew that I wasn't going to be able to use it.

But if the provision was there that I could retire at 60, spend the next to years spending my pension, and then it's game over well, where do I sign up?

Me too!

You think that now - easy to say but bet you will feel differently if you get to 75 and are in good health 🙄

Sorry a relative went to dignitas recently it’s not something to be glib about