Baby number 5 on the way and I'm scared about what people will think

[Featheringthenest]

My husband and I have 4 amazing children under the age of 11 and this weekend we found out that we're expecting baby number 5. I desperately want to be excited but my overwhelming feeling is anxiety because I'm scared of what people are going to say and think. I'm very fortunate to be a full time stay at home Mum as my husband has an excellent job so I've never had to rely on people to look after my children and that won't change with the new baby. Am I overthinking this or is there still a stigma around large families? With 4 children I'm told all the time by strangers that I "must be mad" or "blimey, you're brave" which after a while hurts because my children are so well behaved and quite frankly my favourite people to be around. I know this won't have anything to do with anyone else and that I shouldn't care what others think but the truth is I do. Any advice would be gratefully welcomed. Thank you

And they merrily talk about hand me downs and economies of scale that doesn’t work so well with teens...

The Radford school of economics

Sorry just still smarting from online shopping experience to get 13 year old dd1 summer clothes...Dd2 younger but now taller than dd1 and has an entirely different style -days of hand me downs are definitely over! Also yes they each need their own laptops.

I'm the youngest of 6, and it wasn't all that great growing up tbh. My DM would revel in the comments that she must be supermum, must love kids, must have lots of energy/patience etc. She loved to create the impression that a big family was all fun and busyness, that love was enough, and that we were all happy with the set up.
But, I don't think any of us truly were. There was never enough time for individuality, to have one-to-one time, every activity had to involve several of us. None of us could logistically follow our own interests, it was pretty much crowd control.
Now we're all older adults, I wouldn't say I'm close to my brothers. There are 13 years between my eldest brother and I - he left home when I was 5.
There's no conflict between us all, but we never really got a chance to develop our own personalities and get to know each other individually. Other big families are different - I know some can be one big happy group, but it just didn't seem to work out that way for us.

Op, I wouldn't judge you if I heard you were having a fifth. That's your business, and I'd hope you were happy with your own situation.
I've got 3 of my own, but with a big age gap between dc1 and dc2. I've got dc2 and dc3 still at home, age 12 and 10, and that's enough for me. I know it takes up a lot of time to really get involved with homework, and let them follow their own hobbies and interests. Having 5 to try and accommodate would sound impossible for me!

@MsTSwift is there no economies with scale with 2 then? I find even with DH, there is economies of scale. We often share food outside, and we can buy groceries in bulk more which cuts down the unit cost.

I adore having 4 children. I love it. OP, 5 will be hard work but wonderful.

The financial side isn’t so simple. If you have 2 kids, then split with your partner and lose your job, you can’t afford to look after your kids on the level discussed here (laptops, new clothes). If you have 5 kids, and have better luck, you’re fine.

I would LOVE 5 kids (not going to happen though) and wouldn’t care what people thought. At all.

Maybe one day we’ll adopt and end up with 5.

@Greenmarmalade I think the problem is that the more children you have, the more difficult it is to get back to work, unless you are helena morrissey. Most women can maintain a job with 1 child, many can manage with 2. Some women can even manage with 3. But with 4 children, the chance of being a stay at home mum is very high. when your DH leaves and you haven't been to work for 10 years, what then?

At least if you had a job, its something.

I'd be very jealous. Only have one (not from choice) and came from a big family so I think you are very lucky and you should just enjoy it!

I meant to say came from a big happy family! Love big families.

@Desiringonlychild I’m not sure this is the case. Anecdotal, I know: I’m a full time teacher (4 kids). My mum was too (4 kids). A friend who has 5 is a full time carer for the elderly. I know lots of people with 3 or 4 children who work, and lots of parents of 1 or 2 who don’t.

when your DH leaves and you haven't been to work for 10 years, what then?

Become a cleaner
Qualify as a childminder
Get a job in retail or hospitality

Congratulations OP. I have five. People had given up the rude comments by the time number 5 came along. You just have to be willing to brazen it out.

Five is fab. And yours aren't too close together if your eldest is 11. Mine absolutely dote on the youngest and she adores all of them. Yes, there are fights as well but there is a lot of love.

It's a bit late to be 'scared about what people will think'.

'Five children is at least three too many' is what I think.

I’d think that you are extremely lucky !
I’ve only got one but would have lived more .

Congratulations and look after yourself...
Don’t care a joy what others think

I envy you if I'm honest.

Congratulations 💕

I know 4 “larger” families, 2 with 5 children, one with 6 and one with 8. All of them are dysfunctional in some way. The family with 6 kept on popping out babies until they had a girl and live on benefits, the kids are horrendous at school and bully. The other family of 5, the mother wanted more children as the father is an alcoholic and likely to die, the older kids are quite often nannying the younger ones, who are absolutely feral, they are rarely seen with the kids and constantly palm them off on others. The other family of 5, glistening and glossy on the outside, but when she was told medically “no more” she had a complete breakdown as she was having children over and over to fill a hole in her life, and she could no longer do so, the children are left to their own devices a lot of the time and things happened like house fires/stealing/bullying with all of their children. The family with 8 kids live off benefits, whilst husband works illegally. They go on foreign holidays a good couple times a year and aren’t shy about what they post on social media, their children seem angelic from what they post .

Probably a really poor cross section but not my idea of fun. What happens when they all get the shits, or nits? 😟

Fwiw only two of my 5 have ever had nits. Once each and not at the same time. Both caught from childcare.

Congratulations, OP! A new baby is always a precious wonder, whether an only or number 5.
Nobody is going to actually say anything to your face, so please don't worry about that.
I would probably think you were religious and / or was the kind of person who was prepared to put your personal gratification above quite legitimate concerns about the environment and sustainability. In the West, we do not need to reproduce past replacement rate in order to secure our care in old age, and growing up in a western economy, our children, no matter how 'green' we try to be, will inevitably have a carbon footprint many, many times the size of a young person born in the global South.

Congratulations. As long as you have room for the 5th and your Husband/Partner continues to work. The problem would come if he was laid off and couldn't get work I guess.

I do not have children but I am not going to judge you for having another. If you get any hassle tell them two or three are mine!

OMG SAME!
My husband and I want another baby, which would be baby number 5, but like you, I fear people judging me. Everywhere I go, someone has to comment, "You must have no TVs" or something of that sort. It's so annoying! I can only imagine the comments if I have another baby.