Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Baby number 5 on the way and I'm scared about what people will think

294 replies

Featheringthenest · 18/05/2020 06:40

My husband and I have 4 amazing children under the age of 11 and this weekend we found out that we're expecting baby number 5. I desperately want to be excited but my overwhelming feeling is anxiety because I'm scared of what people are going to say and think. I'm very fortunate to be a full time stay at home Mum as my husband has an excellent job so I've never had to rely on people to look after my children and that won't change with the new baby. Am I overthinking this or is there still a stigma around large families? With 4 children I'm told all the time by strangers that I "must be mad" or "blimey, you're brave" which after a while hurts because my children are so well behaved and quite frankly my favourite people to be around. I know this won't have anything to do with anyone else and that I shouldn't care what others think but the truth is I do. Any advice would be gratefully welcomed. Thank you

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 19/05/2020 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VerityB1 · 19/05/2020 08:52

Don't be scared. The people who say negative things will say negative things and they maybe true. You've chosen to have 5 and so you know the work, support and cost esp during school years/activities and college/uni/learning to drive and so on and to the planet. A bouncing baby is always welcomed, and your baby may be the one to invent a wonderful medicine, save the rainforest, keep world peace and bring joy. Good luck.

CherryPavlova · 19/05/2020 08:54

A bigger problem than a large family is having any number that you cannot afford to raise.
Most of the very large families I know are perfectly well adjusted children who have done well at school and whose parents work hard in professional jobs to support them. Mainly it’s following religious teachings rather than an inability to use contraception. Mainly, every child has been received as a joyful gift.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
medusawashere · 19/05/2020 08:59

Congratulations OP! I'm one of five (the eldest) and wouldn't change a thing. There was an 11 year gap between eldest and youngest. It was like growing up with four best mates, around the inevitable fights. Most of us are really close into our twenties and thirties. In fact, the youngest moved in with me just before lockdown and we've had a relatively good time.

The fact that you can look after them all financially is great. You sound very sensible, so please do enjoy your pregnancy and I hope everything goes well. Five kids is a lot for most people but they're commenting on their own energy levels, not how great the kids are.

arickitupyourpompom · 19/05/2020 09:05

I would feel sorry for the kids who will probably lack attention, have to share bedrooms, etc but I wouldn't say anything

MaybeDoctor · 19/05/2020 09:36

your baby may be the one to invent a wonderful medicine, save the rainforest, keep world peace and bring joy

I am sure that the new baby will be a wonderful, unique person, as all babies are. So bringing joy, certainly. But it is outlandish to claim that they may be able to 'invent a wonderful medicine' when the truth is that it will be far harder for their parents to support them to get to university in the first place.

I have a family member who is an international competitor in a particular field. This field involves long matches requiring intense concentration for hours at a time. The child showed early talent, but they would have just been a rather good player at their school club if their parents hadn't taken them to tournaments at town, county and national level. This was when they were aged 8-15, so no conceivable way of safely getting to the other end of the country for a tournament if their parents hadn't had the time/energy to do so. They had one other child and even then it was probably a little unfair on him to be taken all over the country, but they made sure that he was involved at a lower level. Four other children? It would have been very difficult.

Lordfrontpaw · 19/05/2020 09:57

Surely the flip side is the baby might be the next Pol Pot?

dochas06 · 19/05/2020 09:59

For everyone saying that 5 children is not environmentally sustainable, how many is? 1? 2?
We all pay taxes and national insurance, a family with 5 children may hardly ever use the NHS and cost very little money , a family with 1 child may cost the NHS hundreds of thousands of pounds, depending on medical conditions, no body can predict that.
It is very unfair to say that larger family’s should be using private healthcare/schools. Why should they?

Fair enough, every person will impact on the environment but people shouldn’t limit how many children they have because of this.
We have one child and are planning on having another if we can
I am an only child and I want my child to have a brother or sister.

OP, congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope everything goes well for you.

Reluctantbettlynch · 19/05/2020 10:11

It's a pity that so few are able to express an opposing view without being an arsehole. Seriously, this isn't aibu, and some people should be ashamed of themselves.
When asked for an opinion it's not open season to release your vitriol.
Maybe you do have concerns, but the nastiness in your posts suggests jealousy rather than any genuine considerations.

Congratulations on your pregnancy op. I can't imagine having a large family, or afford one, but it doesn't mean I judge others that do. It isn't anyone else's business. I would definitely recommend building up a safety net of savings just in case you need them if your dh can't work for any reason.
There are many that have no children or only one child, an extra one in your family isn't going to destroy the planet.

Wolfgirrl · 19/05/2020 10:56

@dochas06

Well surely you can see 2 is more sustainable for the planet than 5?!

I also object the the view that because you dont claim benefits, you are not depriving the state. A child costs the government ~£6000 a year to educate. On this figure alone, OP (if sending her kids to state schools) will cost the state over £400,000 to educate her children. That's not taking into account maternity care, use of the NHS, dentist, etc etc

MaybeDoctor · 19/05/2020 11:48

Well the sustainable number is probably 1 or 2.

Mum and Dad have two children. Mum and Dad, with all their associated costs and consumption, eventually die. Their children replace them in the population.

The government has sent out a message on this, albeit indirectly, with the decision around child benefit.

Pepperwand · 19/05/2020 12:44

Honestly? I'm the eldest of five children and looking back, I had to grow up quickly. I don't feel that my mum, who was a SAHM had time for each of us individually, she was stressed a lot of the time and we're not that close as adults. I certainly don't have any memories of being read to or helped with homework, or having any individual time with either of my parents. Mum always wanted a big family but the logistics of it meant that those close personal relationships weren't really fostered on an individual basis.

You however, may be completely different and make sure that each of your five feel valued as individuals and have one to one time with you. I'm aware I've got some personal baggage clouding my opinion so I'd never say it to you if I knew you in real life, but you did ask!

Lordfrontpaw · 19/05/2020 13:30

Jesus pep - change the ‘eldest’ to ‘youngest’ and that’s me! I was pretty feral! We were all looked after and loved - but no time.

The older ones said being youngest was best as apparently I ‘got away with everything’ (ummm sorry but I was never passed out on the uni green after smoking something dodgy or had a night on the cells for being too drunk to see my own feet...). I found being the youngest horrible as I felt very stupid as I didn’t ‘know anything’ and knew that I didn’t be naughty as I would ‘always be found out’. I mooched around on my own mostly (older ones were teens when I was a toddler and closest sibling was a bossy kid - also the golden child - so it was less drama to keep to myself).

whywhywhy6 · 19/05/2020 13:38

Congratulations. When I comment on large families it’s only because I couldn’t manage it and I respect that they can. Don’t take it personally. You do you.

3rdNamechange · 19/05/2020 13:54

I'd think you had more energy than me. No one else's business.
For people like you that have 5 , I've only got one , we're all different and don't all have 2.4 children.
If you can cope financially , good luck and ignore the haters.

SerenDippitty · 19/05/2020 14:14

My first thought would be how unfair - I would have loved to have just one. But life is unfair, children are not evenly distributed, some people get to have as many as they want, some people get to have only one when they would have liked more, and some people get none.

My second thought would certainly have been that you were being irresponsible and bad for the environment.

MaybeDoctor · 19/05/2020 14:55

Well, this thread shows that it is risky to ask what people might be thinking as you almost certainly won't like the answer!

Durgasarrow · 19/05/2020 15:14

I am one of five children. People thought our family was adorable.

Lordfrontpaw · 19/05/2020 15:38

Only if you were the Von Trapps, the Waltons or golden retrievers... (the FrontPaws were, of course, an absolute delight...)

caperplips · 19/05/2020 15:44

My DH is one of 5 and is not close to any of his family. In truth his mother was in love with the idea of babies and lost interest once they got older. They're a very fragmented family now for a number of circumstances.

MIL ended up on her own in the end with the 5 children and had neither the money, resources, time or mental health to actually really mind them. It's sad as the kids were fairly neglected and it has had a lasting impact on all of them in different ways. My dh was the oldest and had to shoulder huge levels of responsibility at far too young an age and to be honest I am very resentful of MIL for this. He's very soft and far more forgiving than I am though.

We have 1 dc and will not have more.

Lordfrontpaw · 19/05/2020 15:46

There's a lot of 5s around isn't there!

sweetkitty · 19/05/2020 16:04

I have four children and that was enough for me. I was a SAHM for 12 years then went back to uni and have a second career I love. They all have their own bedrooms so their own space, they don’t miss out on anything because there’s four of them.

Congratulations OP your having number 5 so you really don’t care what people think deep down

Ginfordinner · 19/05/2020 16:24

My DH is one of 5 and is not close to any of his family. In truth his mother was in love with the idea of babies and lost interest once they got older

Interestingly, my social worker friend comes across quite a few mother like this. In her words "they like incubating babies".

I sometimes get the impression from threads like these that some women say "I want another baby" and haven't really thought ahead to the expensive, stress inducing teenage years. Because usually, all the children they already have are nowhere near being teenagers in age.

Just my impression BTW.

MsTSwift · 19/05/2020 16:37

And they merrily talk about hand me downs and economies of scale that doesn’t work so well with teens...

Ginfordinner · 19/05/2020 17:07

And they merrily talk about hand me downs and economies of scale that doesn’t work so well with teens...

I agree. I made that point earlie. When they are all doing homework and need laptops at the same time....

Swipe left for the next trending thread