Baby number 5 on the way and I'm scared about what people will think

[Featheringthenest]

My husband and I have 4 amazing children under the age of 11 and this weekend we found out that we're expecting baby number 5. I desperately want to be excited but my overwhelming feeling is anxiety because I'm scared of what people are going to say and think. I'm very fortunate to be a full time stay at home Mum as my husband has an excellent job so I've never had to rely on people to look after my children and that won't change with the new baby. Am I overthinking this or is there still a stigma around large families? With 4 children I'm told all the time by strangers that I "must be mad" or "blimey, you're brave" which after a while hurts because my children are so well behaved and quite frankly my favourite people to be around. I know this won't have anything to do with anyone else and that I shouldn't care what others think but the truth is I do. Any advice would be gratefully welcomed. Thank you

At 75? So we'd euthanise people like Michael Douglas, Mia Farrow, Eric Clapton, Rod Stewart, Robert de Niro, Mick Jagger, Ben Kingsley, Jerry Springer, Harrison Ford, Paul McCartney, Martin Scorsese, Michael Palin, Judy Dench, Maggie Smith, Julie Andrews? [yes, Google is my friend].

How revolting!

as they will not get the individual attention they deserve

Well as she is a SAHM i would suggest they will get as much if not more attention and time spent in the presence of their mother than an only child whose mum works fulltime from the time they’re 6months old onwards.
🤷🏻‍♀️

Congratulations @Featheringthenest on your pregnancy. Babies are always a blessing.

Mum was a SAHM - no you can split your attention between 5 little individuals.

Gosh there are some really rude people on hear.
A massive congratulations to you. It is really exciting to have a new one on the way.

I have 5 children under the age of 9.
Of course it's hard work but so is everything in life. As they say you get back what you put in.
I have had so many judgemental comments, blatant rudeness etc.
My partner has numerous times been asked if they are all his.

*here

We were much criticised and told we were irresponsible for having five. I always replied that our children would be an asset to the world and, now grown up, they certainly are.

I'd think you were selfish for obvious reasons which have been stated over and over on this post. I'm surprised you GAS about what people think to be honest.

@FeatheringthenestMon 18-May-20 19:19:00
I always replied that our children would be an asset to the world and, now grown up, they certainly are

You would say that, wouldn't you

www.worldometers.info/world-population/

This is why some of us are really worried.

Some of the answers on here are so fucking privileged. Someone posted "How will you afford 5 x university costs, 5 x house deposits?" Which gave me a right good laugh. Not everyone can afford to give their kids this stuff regardless of how many offspring they have. Give your head a wobble ffs!! Some people gasp actually make their own way in life.

Ignore the haters OP, congrats on child number 5.

Some of the answers on here are so fucking privileged. Someone posted "How will you afford 5 x university costs, 5 x house deposits?" Which gave me a right good laugh. Not everyone can afford to give their kids this stuff regardless of how many offspring they have.

How about how will you afford 5 x swimming lessons, 5 x decent clothes that aren't hand me downs from your teenage brother, 5 x dentists, 5 x basic days out, 5 x 5 x mcds etc etc.

Kids in large families do miss out.

I doubt if I live until 75 I would want to be euthanised but surely if you believe in overpopulation, this is a sacrifice you make for the planet, for the greater good. In the same way you may choose to limit your family size at a younger age.

Alternatively we could just stop treating those over a certain age for significant medical conditions and let nature take its course.

You missed David Attenborough off your list, he is right about overpopulation but the issue is not a baby boom because there isn’t one but his own generation living longer. This needs to be recognised when we’re judging others for their large families (I have 2 living kids so no personal stake in this) the problem with global overpopulation is not even primarily with the small number of families who have three, four, five kids it is with us, those of us 40,50,60 plus who expect to live long lives exploiting the planet’s resources. We are the problem and we’re stealing the planet from the young.

I'd think you must like or have had good pregnancies. I'd also be envious as I'd love more children but with one miscarriage and terribly debilitating sickness in all my pregnancies, i don't think I'd do it again.

My opinion is that you must be supermum!! Congratulations. I have just had my third and had an awful HG pregnancy, breech baby resulting in ECV but still dont think we are done.

So what’s the plan for during the day when they are all at school? You will not have worked for some significant time so presumably you will be bored alone in the house with not many skills. You’ll want a job to ease the boredom but your options will be limited.

I think this point is hilarious, as if you'd be twiddling your thumbs wondering what to do whilst your 5 kids were at school.

Weallhavewings - yes, kids in larger families can miss out. But my point was, even kids from smaller families sometimes don't have the privilege of the bank of mum and dad paying for tuition fees, uni accommodation, house deposits etc. It just sounds rather privileged to assume that everyone gets handouts from their parents.

To be honest the people I know or see to keep having children are people who just don't want to work.
What pension contributions are you making?

Congratulations, OP! I have 4 and would absolutely love more. We won’t, as DH doesn’t want more, but I would in a heartbeat.

If anyone judges you badly or makes negative comments, they are not people you want to be around. I don’t mind the ‘you’re brave’ comments, because I can totally see where they’re coming from! Try not to let someone’s absent minded comment bring you down.

As for the environment: having fewer kids isn’t the only way to decrease carbon footprint. Your children may grow up to be a force of good in the world; this shouldn’t be ignored.

In my post I think I said ‘costs’ rather than fees specifically, because my understanding is that everyone can take out a loan for fees but maintenance loans are capped according to income. So parents are expected to make up the shortfall. Yes of course students can get a job, but it isn’t always straightforward depending on the course you are doing.

True Maybe, but I thought there was such thing as student grants for low income families?

And not everyone carves a career out of being an academic.

I know a couple of families who have lots (5+) children, and in both cases the mum of each family has insisted on having lots of children because 'she loves babies'. This does make me a bit judgy, I'm afraid.

@Soen
Unfortunately the grants for students from lower income families went the way of other good things a few years ago...

Besides, the OP says that her husband has 'an excellent job' which would probably mean that the amount of loan her children could get is capped i.e. they would need to fill in the difference. This would be manageable for two children but far harder for five.

You are totally correct that not everyone wants/needs to go to university but it seems a pity to start out in the knowledge that this option might not be open to them.

My mum had five 11 and under and is a deputy head I wouldn't worry what other people think.

I don’t think choosing to have fewer children so you can give those you do have more opportunities and financial practical and emotional support is an outrageous or “privileged” stance to take 🙄.

I was hoping to come to Mumsnet for some advice and support from those who understand the anxieties and worries of this crazy world of parenthood, not to be told I'm stupid and irresponsible.

Another thread where OP opens a can of worms and is surprised she doesnt get 100% approval in the replies 🙄 what 'support' were you expecting? You are pregnant, it's done now, aside from growing a thicker skin I'm not sure what you expect people to suggest.

For the record I come from a big family and love big families but probably won't have one myself. It doesnt matter how 'green' you are now, the fact is if all of your children had (as an example) 3 children, that would be 15 grandchildren. If they all had 3, it would be 45. If they had 3, it would be 135. That's the effect people are talking about, not whether you recycle at the moment.

That said, it's done now, I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly.