Baby number 5 on the way and I'm scared about what people will think

[Featheringthenest]

My husband and I have 4 amazing children under the age of 11 and this weekend we found out that we're expecting baby number 5. I desperately want to be excited but my overwhelming feeling is anxiety because I'm scared of what people are going to say and think. I'm very fortunate to be a full time stay at home Mum as my husband has an excellent job so I've never had to rely on people to look after my children and that won't change with the new baby. Am I overthinking this or is there still a stigma around large families? With 4 children I'm told all the time by strangers that I "must be mad" or "blimey, you're brave" which after a while hurts because my children are so well behaved and quite frankly my favourite people to be around. I know this won't have anything to do with anyone else and that I shouldn't care what others think but the truth is I do. Any advice would be gratefully welcomed. Thank you

I agree - super rich. We have a good income and often raise our eyebrows and say thank god we stopped at 2 - teens expensive

I have never met anyone in real life who has said that, not to my face anyway

Well yeah, I wouldn't say it to someone's face, because that would be rude. But I'd still think it was a selfish choice from an environmental POV.

Id also assume you were absolutely loaded. quick google reckons it costs 100-155k to raise a child to 18 in the uk depending on childcare, so say nearly 800k for your 5, excluding any help for buying a car or house deposit, holidays

I am always bemused by those costings though.
I was a SAHP when kids were pre-school. I am a teacher, and although I never went back into the classroom, my current wfh job is term time as it revolves around school.
We have never had any child care costs.
We bought a fraction of the clothes and toys on those costings, and many many of them were second hand.
School uniform - we used the second hand shops at primary and secondary.
Holidays, we have been veyr lucky and have the use of a family members holiday home, so, a bit boring as the same each year, but never spent on holidays.
and so on and so on.

I don't think kids cost anywhere near that much.
teens are a lot more expensive though!

Another one who would think you were either selfish or not very good with contraception (sorry). I'd also be thinking you'll need a huge car :)

Firstly congratulations on your new bundle of joy! Secondly ignore what people say your family your body your choice. People are horrible towards things they don't agree with so don't worry about it x

OP I've just created a thread based on all these comments 😂

Secondly ignore what people say your family your body your choice

well, hmm. I think that we do need to challenge some things that we and others do. If your actions impact other people then it isn't only your family and your body, it is the rest of us too.

It is just like people challenging other aspects of life - whether that is over use of A&E or flying on holiday or having an affair.
It is only be having these conversations and challenging the norm that we as a society grow and change.

I have to say, you asked, and I have answered, I apologise if my posts seem harsh. But that is partly the nature of a site like this, you hear opinions that you would not hear in real life. In real life I would not judge and just accept you and your family as you are, and say congratulations on your pregnancy. Unless you asked and then I might express an opinion.

But in an on-line discussion I wil be more frank, and maybe some of the things people have said may stop you from having no. 6.

@BabyLlamaZen ??

do we seriously think cO2 emissions would be reduced if everyone had no more than 2 children?

Do people really not understand this? Blimey.

Why do you care of strangers opinion. You're on board, DH on board everyone else is irrelevant frankly.

congratulations!

one child, no child or six its your own choice.

to be fair, any person can have a sudden unexpected change of circumstance... deaths, lost jobs, divorce... but when a person chooses to have a child would they say, oh no we shouldnt just in case we lose our home in a global pandemic? or one of us dies in a tragic accident? unexpected events happen to all of us, when they do, we just cope as best we can at the time. You cant live life fearful of what may or may not happen.
What matters most is that you have a wanted child with loving caring parents who can meet that childs needs ,the rest is personal opinion and really in this situation, the only opinions that matter are those of you and your husband.

Enjoy your family!

100-155k to raise a child to 18? That seems excessive and certainly not what we are experiencing with dc. Is that based on the most expensive of everything ?!

Congratulations on your new baby! Try not to worry about what other people think or say.

I have five. The only negative reaction I have ever seen has been on Mumsnet. Congratulations!

@NotaFreeloader
no was meant to be the average.

I pay over 40k in childcare until they're in school at ages 5 so you can see how it would easily get into the hundreds. if I decided to be a sahp to avoid childcare costs then that would be a loss of a couple hundreds of thousands for 4 years lost wages.

I would say congratulations if you were my friend, of course.

But I would be having a few questions in my mind:

Will they all wear disposable nappies?
Will you be able to hear them all read each day?
Will they all get help/support with hobbies and interests?
Will they all drive cars?
Will you be able to park all the cars on your own property?
Will you help them all with university costs or housing deposits? Even if you give them just £5k each that is £25k out of taxed income.

To be honest, I think the baby years are the easy (and cheap!) bit. I was one of three (with large age gaps) and looking back I can see points when each of us could have done with more attention, even with a very devoted SAHM.

I’d judge, sorry. Unless you are able to fund them through Uni and pay for a deposit on a home, life will be tough for this 5.

Also on a personal level, do you not want to give something back to society? Do you not want to contribute in anyway? I find it astonishing that people don’t want to work and be a meaningful part of society.

@rosiepony what do everyone who has one or two children can fund their kid through uni and pay for a deposit on their house? Wtf.

*so

To be absolutely honest, I'd think you were a bit foolish. Especially if it was a 'surprise' pregnancy. But like most people I wouldn't dream of saying that to you.

Anyway, it's done now so what's the point in worrying what people think?

@rosiepony i am having an only child and would never give my child a deposit. Sponsor for university and pay school fees sure, but what incentive does a child have to work hard if he knows mummy and daddy are going to buy him his own house. He/She can just earn the bare minimum and cruise through.

I have five. The only negative reaction I have ever seen has been on Mumsnet

That doesn't necessarily mean that the people you know are not thinking these negative things! It's more likely to be because people are too polite to say anything to your face! I would be that person: inwardly rather shocked and disapproving but outwardly polite as there's nothing you can do about children that you already have and I wouldn't want to upset you.

I don’t think many people would say anything other than congratulations but they would privately thinking the same as most of the comments on here.

I'd think you must really like kids

And congratulations!