Baby number 5 on the way and I'm scared about what people will think

[Featheringthenest]

My husband and I have 4 amazing children under the age of 11 and this weekend we found out that we're expecting baby number 5. I desperately want to be excited but my overwhelming feeling is anxiety because I'm scared of what people are going to say and think. I'm very fortunate to be a full time stay at home Mum as my husband has an excellent job so I've never had to rely on people to look after my children and that won't change with the new baby. Am I overthinking this or is there still a stigma around large families? With 4 children I'm told all the time by strangers that I "must be mad" or "blimey, you're brave" which after a while hurts because my children are so well behaved and quite frankly my favourite people to be around. I know this won't have anything to do with anyone else and that I shouldn't care what others think but the truth is I do. Any advice would be gratefully welcomed. Thank you

I would say congratulations

And think how fabulous. I didn't get past three and would have had more if I hadn't of run out of time. So no negatives from me

Don't listen to the negative stuff on here. I think if you can afford 5 children and are able to give them all your undivided love and attention, it's a beautiful thing and you will certainly get my admiration. Yes, the world is overpopulated, but most of this overpopulation is created in poor countries, where women have between 6-8 children on average and where this is the norm. Also, the population in the UK as in most of the other European countries is aging and we need more young people that can work and finance the pensions of old people.

Hope you enjoy your pregnancy and all the best

if you’re self sufficient as a family and are confident that will continue with a good safety net too then there’s nothing to grumble about! what does this mean? You are against a big family if they have a council house/ receive additional benefits? And if they don’t, What about use of the nhs/ school places etc?

With 4 children I'm told all the time by strangers that I "must be mad" or "blimey, you're brave"

I would think that as well , but I only have one, so you can have my share.

I would aslo think of the expense. When they are little they can wear hand me downs and play with each others toys. Once they are teenagers they get very expensive - clothes, Christmas presents, bierthdays etc.

I expect that they will each need a laptop once they are at GCSE level and above. And the big one - university. Boy, that is expensive, even if all of your DC have jobs and can top up their maintenance loans.

Plus all the drudgery looking after a family of 7 - cooking, cleaning, washing up, washing and drying, running children to parties and after school activities, no "me time".

I'm judging you by my own values, but I need, and have a calm and ordered life, but that is just my personality type.

I would wish you luck through the teen years tbh!

I'd say congratulations. Don't worry what people think.

I had my 5th child 6 months ago and we had a few shocked comments and OMG type things said - but nothing negative said to my face. Given this thread everyone was probably slagging me off behind my back but I really don't give a shit.

We have a big house, nice garden, both of us work full time and children do whatever extra curricular activities they are interested in etc etc.

We are a responsible, green family and children being raised to make a full contribution to society and the economy.

And people saying overpopulation are having a laugh because most of these virtue signallers have children as well, if they really had so much of an issue they wouldn't have had their own children. There are people who make a conscious decision to do that for their environmental beliefs and I respect that. But not the judging types.

Plus it may have escaped people's notice but we have a huge ageing population who ( even give Covid 19) are living longer a often with increasingly complex needs. Social care is a ticking time bomb and at some point will need to be addressed to ensure our elderly population are cared for properly.... we are going to need far more economically active people to support this in the future and my 5 children will be contributing

If you were relying on benefits I'd think hmm irresponsible but if you can afford them then it's not my business.

My OH is youngest of one of 6 and in a lot of ways didn't enjoy his upbringing he said they were left to their own devices and when the older ones started having grandchildren it got worse, what I'm getting at is I'd be thinking how will mum and dad be able to devote enough time to each child.

Ultimately it's not my problem all the best x

I would think:

You don't care about the environment
You won’t be able to give them enough individual time
How can you afford them?
Bigger car needed
Bigger home (unless they share, which is not ideal)
You’ll have no time to yourself
Etc etc

If you are confident in your own decision then what do other people’s opinions matter?

We have an only child by choice, no one has ever said anything to me but I am sure some people feel sorry for my DS, consider our decision ‘selfish’ & think only children are spoiled- none of that bothers me because I am very confident that I made the right decision for our family.

So why does it worry you want other people might think?

Personally I do think it’s very irresponsible and selfish to have a large family ... but so what, you’ll never meet me, even if you did I wouldn’t say that to your face.

But don’t call yourselves a ‘green family’ ( unless that is your surname ).

Congratulations OP!

sparklefarts what a wild statement; having 5 children means your selfish and dim?! If these children are brought up well there's no reason to think they won't make a positive contribution to society.

As a teacher, I'm always blown away by the amount of large families whose children are polite, well turned out everyday and have a lovely sense of family and community.

By asking for peoples opinions you are opening yourself up to criticism. Ignore what anyone else thinks or says, it's no one else's business. Congratulations!

Yes I'd think it was a rather unnecessary thing to do. Then I'd think don't you have anything else to do besides procreate?!

But whatever, it's your life.

As the youngest of five, I'd say congratulations.

But you clearly have some misgivings so maybe it's time for DH to have a vasectomy so you don't get caught again?

What a coincidence. I also have 4 children. Under the age of 4 and just found out Saturday we are expecting baby number 5.

Also I am anxious and nervous but I totally trust in god and his plan. I am also worried about baby being born during a coronavirus peak and hoping by the time i am due, roughly Feb or March next year that things will have calmed down. Just trying to stay positive and optimistic.

I wish you all the best. Good luck

I'd have my own opinions re the environment etc but I wouldn't judge you as a "bad person" or anything (most people do something that I disprove of, including me ) and I certainly wouldn't say anything.

Claiming you're a "green family" does make me judge you as a bit dim though as it's clearly not true.

@CarrieMoonbeams other people don't have to pay towards your dogs though do they? We do all pay towards other people's children.

Do your dogs use the NHS or education system? Will they learn to drive and put yet another car on the roads?

I have dogs and as I pay for them feel I can have as many as I want although only have 2. The same is certainly not true for children.

I don't understand why we give people money for having children. We don't need more people in the world and certainly don't need them in the UK.

Posters who say we need more babies because of an ageing population do you ever think about what you are saying? The population cannot just keep growing and growing. The UK is already far too crowded and if you honestly think it isn't you are deluding yourselves or maybe that's your excuse for having children.

My cousin was one of 5 and she hated it growing up, being the 2nd eldest. She felt like a freak, because they needed a mini-bus and people would stare. She hated having to share her mum so much and had little time when all the rest came along. She was expected to help out with the little ones as she got older, and missed a great deal of school outings/camps because of the cost x5.

I would congratulate someone newly pregnant yet again, but my personal thoughts would be:

• They must be religious and wont use contraception
• They must be claiming some sort of benefits
• How can someone claim to honestly be pregnant for a 5th time by accident- unless they aren't using any contraception??? Surely people know how to get pregnant now after so many other children!

I would feel sorry for the kids! As much as you 'think' you are providing care and rewarding time to them all, you will obviously be stretched thinner dividing your time between 5 as opposed to say 2 kids.

I felt similar to you when I had my third (very much a happy accident). It doesn’t matter what others think, each child is a blessing. Congratulations!

Having an extra baby is the most damaging thing anyone can do to the planet. It contributes an extra 58.6 tonnes of CO2 equivalent emissions per year. You cannot claim to be a “green” family, as you cannot possibly offset that.
And ignore the short sighted nonsense about the UK’s ageing population. If we have more children “to pay their pensions”, we will need even more grandchildren to pay for theirs - a pyramid scheme and population time bomb.
The current population of the planet needs the resources of two and a half planets to give us all a western lifestyle. It is already not sustainable, and the environment is suffering degradation and climate change.
You have to accept that your family decisions affect the whole planet - it is irrelevant whether you can personally “afford” the baby - our planet can not.

So I am afraid I am in the camp that believes you to be either selfish, or irresponsibly ignorant, depending on whether you were aware you were contributing to environmental disaster or not.

@lynsey91 dogs are horrendous for the environment! I'm sorry as I do love them, but they're pretty terrible! There's also no way they're going to contribute to the economy. No way does that argument add up.

I must be a bit dim too (I'm definitely not) - if someone told me they were expecting their fifth child my mind would not jump to the environmental impact.
In all honesty I might think something like wow their house must be loud, busy etc but nothing bad.
As pp said people will comment on your family set up no matter how many (if any) children you have. I'm sure you're probably used to most comments by now. I'v all girls so that tends to be the focus of questions I'v had vs why I'v got more than 2 (by choice).
Also pp is spot on, people will follow your cues re the pregnancy. So positively about how happy you are and that should invite a good response.

Again I'm wondering how many children some of these posters have and how many of them never wanted any. Really making such a sacrifice?

@Namechanger0800 well me and DH chose not to have children so certainly am not virtue signalling.

You are another one spouting rubbish about needing more children. Yes we have an ageing population but the answer can never be to keep adding to the numbers.

If you live in the UK you must be blind or stupid not to think we are overcrowded. Schools can't cope, hospitals and doctors surgeries can't cope, not enough housing, not enough jobs, public transport in a lot of places unable to cope with the numbers using it. Our roads are a joke, always packed and traffic moving at a snail's pace.

You don't know your children will grow up and contribute. Hopefully they will but you can't be sure. They may also have 5 or more children each just adding to the burden on the planet