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Original poster

Baby number 5 on the way and I'm scared about what people will think

294 replies

Featheringthenest · 18/05/2020 06:40

My husband and I have 4 amazing children under the age of 11 and this weekend we found out that we're expecting baby number 5. I desperately want to be excited but my overwhelming feeling is anxiety because I'm scared of what people are going to say and think. I'm very fortunate to be a full time stay at home Mum as my husband has an excellent job so I've never had to rely on people to look after my children and that won't change with the new baby. Am I overthinking this or is there still a stigma around large families? With 4 children I'm told all the time by strangers that I "must be mad" or "blimey, you're brave" which after a while hurts because my children are so well behaved and quite frankly my favourite people to be around. I know this won't have anything to do with anyone else and that I shouldn't care what others think but the truth is I do. Any advice would be gratefully welcomed. Thank you

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/05/2020 08:25

I’d think you were insane but equally my opinion means nothing!

BarbaraofSeville · 18/05/2020 08:26

For those worrying, we're a very green family and we are hugely aware of the impact a large family has on the environment and we do everything we possibly can to counteract this

Except stop at a more sustainable number of children.

There's no point making people feel guilty about flying a couple of times of year when the environmental impact of even one extra child in a 'very green family' dwarfs regular long haul flights many times over.

The planet is overpopulated and at a local level, the UK is far too crowded. And people having more children 'to pay for people's pensions' isn't desirable. Who do you think is going to pay for the pensions of all these children when they get old? That's a pyramid scheme, and one which is in the process of starting to collapse.

StillCounting123 · 18/05/2020 08:28

OP I have 5 kids aged between 10-1 years. Got some stick about it from keyboard warriors on MN, but so what.

I am religious, so have lots of friends and people in church who also have large families (one of my best friends has 9!) but have also met families with no religion who have large families too.

I think it's brilliant, my kids old enough to be at school think it's brilliant - the younger 3 are too young to speak fully yet. Lockdown has been fine as there is always someone to play with.

Can be a bit hectic getting everyone up and ready to go anywhere, and the laundry is epic. But I would not change a thing!!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Popebenedictsp45 · 18/05/2020 08:30

I don’t think you can claim to be a “green family” with five children. I would silently judge but keep my mouth shut.

MotheringShites · 18/05/2020 08:33

Honestly? I try not to think unkindly about people with so many children, but I do find myself wondering what void they are trying to fill.

CarrieMoonbeams · 18/05/2020 08:33

Well, you know what OP - I'm child free, so you can have my "share" of schooling costs, maternity care etc etc for this one!

When I got another dog last year (I have 5 now), my rather judgemental neighbour said "what? another dog?" complete with a Confused face, and for once I thought of the right reply at the right time and said "oh sorry, did you think I was asking you to pay for it?". As a PP said, people have got something to say about everything.

Presumably you've done your sums, you can provide a loving home for your little gang, and are organised enough to give everyone some one on one time, so relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

Youngatheart00 · 18/05/2020 08:39

Also child free, but not by choice.

Little (big) pang of jealousy reading your post that some people are able to have children so effortlessly (id love one, let alone five!) But such is life and it’s your own business. I only disagree if people are relying on the stage to fund their large families and continue to have children. If you’re self sufficient as a family and are confident that will continue with a good safety net too then there’s nothing to grumble about!

I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy - also I think there’s a ‘Larger Families’ board here on MN - probably worth a look!

SallyWD · 18/05/2020 08:39

Congratulations OP! Don't worry what other people think.

bunnyrabbit93 · 18/05/2020 08:40

I would think congratulations and well done you sound like a great mum. Although i don't have a as big family I've felt that anxiety of what are people going to think during one of my pregnancies but I soon just felt excited for the baby and realised it has nothing to do with anyone else. All the best OP

novacaneforthepain · 18/05/2020 08:41

I'd be jealous that you can cope with 5 and I struggle with 2! But other than that... would mind my own business

seltaeb · 18/05/2020 08:42

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Lordfrontpaw · 18/05/2020 08:48

I would assume you were religious - I saw several large religious family groups (with 6+ kids) when I was out yesterday.

I’m one from a large family (kids - large break - more kids) but that was back in the day and even then it was unusual for such a big family. Our parents loved us, I know this - but had no time for us all. I was a toddler when the older ones were teens and they pretty much took up all the time and energy. Mum was ill by then and dad had his own business and worked a lot.

But it’s not up to anyone else to live your life. As long as you are prepared for the comments that you will inevitably over/hear, and not be surprised.

Don’t look at any social media discussions on the topic either- they can be incredibly horrible, ignorant and insulting.

Sloth66 · 18/05/2020 08:50

I would think you couldn’t care less about the environment.
I’d also think you were naive and to be honest, ignorant, in claiming you could lead a green lifestyle having had 5 children. If they follow your lead, you’ll have 25 grandchildren. Depressing.

ladybug92 · 18/05/2020 08:51

I would think you were brave and very organized. Congratulations!

I am of a similar view to @SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge, birthrate is low in my country too, we are an aging population. With the economic impact of covid19 restrictions we will need lots of young workers/taxpayers over the next few decades. Regarding the environment, you still can be green and be a large family, proportionality is the key view point here.

I have found I am expecting no3 and feel similarly at times. People will always judge no matter what you do in life.

pottypotamus · 18/05/2020 08:54

I'm expecting number 3 and thought people's reactions (especially at work) might be quite negative and judgey. A lot like some of the posters on here. I'm actually really excited now, and don't give a toss what anyone else thinks.

You should do the same OP, congratulations!!

BahHumPug · 18/05/2020 08:56

I'd think you were trying to fulfil some sort of unmet needs that linked to your own experiences and upbringing.

I'd also think you didn't get two hoots about the environment. Green indeed...

And you asked, so you get.

Ylvamoon · 18/05/2020 08:59

If I'd know you in RL and you are the kind of "super mum" you say you are, then I would congratulate you.
But I don't know you or your circumstances and children do have a huge impact on the environment.
The UK is overpopulated. And resources like housing, health care, education, food and clean water are overstretched. I want all children to have secure future. Not just a select few that "can afford it".
So your 4th and 5th child is takeing something away from an other poorer family with 1 or 2 children.

akeien · 18/05/2020 08:59

So you're worried about being judged, and then are surprised when you are judged by some people. Did you expect everyone to just say no you will be fine everyone will be lovely about your baby?

LockedInMadness · 18/05/2020 09:00

Honestly? I try not to think unkindly about people with so many children, but I do find myself wondering what void they are trying to fill.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Some people like having no kids, some just one or two and some love having big families, there is no void Hmm

Op as long as you can provide for them, hold your head up high and enjoy Thanks

12345ct · 18/05/2020 09:01

I would think congratulations and enjoy your family OP. Children are a blessing and you are very lucky. X

TheVanguardSix · 18/05/2020 09:01

You can't worry what people think, OP. You just can't. It gets you nowhere.

InkogKneeToe · 18/05/2020 09:01

If you can give the same standard of living in terms of space, money, time, opportunities etc. to each subsequent child as you could have the first, then crack on.

We couldn't with 2, which is why we stopped at 1.

BabyLlamaZen · 18/05/2020 09:02

I'd think "how?!!" and I'd be curious. But doesn't matter what I think.

I wonder how environmentally savvy these people who say these things are.

I for one know I do far more about my carbon footprint than childless couples I know how are living their best lives, complaining about the environment whilst drinking their expensive coffees and expect your 5 children to look after them in their old age. Hmm

Patch23042 · 18/05/2020 09:06

I’m an only child and dislike it, so I’d feel envious of your baby, having four siblings.

I’d think you were very organised.

It’s good that you’re not reliant on welfare, obviously, but your husband needs robust critical illness/life/redundancy cover. Every main breadwinner does, actually. Hopefully he has all this.

You need to try to develop a thicker skin, OP. People on here are saying what people in your real-life will be thinking (if not articulating).

Elieza · 18/05/2020 09:06

Honestly I’d say congratulations but inside hope that you would stop by having babies now as there isn’t enough housing in the country as it is. Sorry, I don’t mean it bad. I really don’t. But you did ask and I am honest.

At the moment you are at home and will try and give them all the love and attention they need. You will probably have the older ones changing nappies and watching their siblings while you fix dinner or whatever, which is fine and gives them all lots of experience which will stand then in good stead for later themselves - and can act as a lesson to them to not have kids until you’re ready as they are exhausting, always a good lesson! Respectfully, some mothers take it too far and shout at their kids and expect them to be unpaid nannies to the little ones, which is wrong. They are the mothers responsibility. So the mother should stop having babies when she is unable to look after them all. Once they are at school you will have less one to one time with them, as it’s bedtime after they’ve only seen you for a few hours. Families of ten or twelve will hardly get any mum time alone. Which is a shame as they love their mum.

So what’s the plan for during the day when they are all at school? You will not have worked for some significant time so presumably you will be bored alone in the house with not many skills. You’ll want a job to ease the boredom but your options will be limited.

If your man loses his job or leaves you for whatever reason you will be really stuck financially.

How will you afford university for five kids and deposits for houses? How will you manage in your old age without a pension, unless he has already started one for you which I hope he has.

It’s not just about the babies it’s a lot more than that which needs a good think and plans out in place should the worst happen.