What would put you off becoming close friends with another woman?

[JungleRaisin]

I’ve never been able to manage to have a close friendship with another woman. Not in primary school, high school, sixth form, uni, or work.

They always see ‘be yourself’ but that clearly isn’t working for me. Makes me sad thinking I’m always going to have to put on a fake persona of normality if I am ever to make any female friends :(. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing wrong,

Please tell me your pet peeves in other women during the first convos that would put you off pursuing a close friendship with them? It seems faulty universal among women so any pounders would help.

I don’t massively struggle with getting male friends but I guess they don’t spot the social faux pas as much as women do.

I’m described as chatty, witty, always friendly, too nice (I.e everyone thinks I’d never lose my temper) but also a little cold so if I’ve any real bad traits, people clearly aren’t telling me about them. I think I am fairly intense and ask a lot of questions about someone’s life even on day 1 but also over-share about myself a bit.

Any tips?

I too have always struggled to negotiate female friendships, I find them hard to manage and understand but I do have some female friends. Not particularly close ones though. Male S are much less complex.

I think a lot about what might put others off about me and what puts me off. I think bitchiness, moaning, being negative and being needy.

I always seem to invest more in friendships and others aren't as bothered with me. I have been described as unapproachable and cold. I wonder if that's the problem. People don't know/think you want to be friends.

Hmm I'm wondering why you can make friends with men but not women...?
I work in a very male dominated area so have many male friends /acquaintances, but just a couple of good female ones.
one thing that I find totally insufferable is when women are completely focused on male attention - like a woman will be talking to me normally, and we're getting along, then a man joins in and suddenly she's flirtingwwith him, fighting me for attention etc

@rhodri your second comment may speak to why you don't have many friends, rather than the perceived reasons you give in your first. Serious, deep and knowledgeable are reasons to enjoy somebody's company. Disingenuous, superior and passive- aggressive are not.

@Rhodri you sound like my kind of person.

Making friendships is not like dating. I would find anyone who met me once and then wanted to pursue a friendship very odd. Friendships develop over time. Which is the main reason that it is harder and takes longer to make friendships when you are older - at school or college or work in the early days you spend lots of time with people and have shared experiences. But as a "proper" grownup, that time is hard.

Over time, the things that make a friendship are generally shared value systems, similar senses of humour, enjoy,ent of some of the same things, reliability etc.

One thing only turns me off immediately - bitchiness or meanness.

This is a really interesting post as I'm feeling much the same way OP. I'm not really in many friendship groups, get left out of events etc. But what I can't get my head around is that the most popular people in my community have ALL of the traits people are listing as negative; needy, social climbers, racist, classist, constantly bitching about everyone, super nosy, spread rumours.

I have taken some points away from this so thank you (such as asking nosy questions- I do that, and will try to rein it in) but if all of you want to be friends with kind people then why are the nastiest people so popular? I can't get my head round it.

If they voted conservative, big no no.

If they give me advice that I haven't asked for.
If are competitive and try to one up everything I do.
If they try and force the friendship with lots of compliments and plans to do things once a week when I've only just met them.

I'm a big atheist so any mention of religion turns me off straight away.

I've dropped friends when I realised that after a two hour meet up I know everything about their lives and they know nothing about mine as they haven't asked

"If they voted conservative, big no no"

"I'm a big atheist so any mention of religion turns me off straight away."

I find it sad that you would immediately discard someone on the basis of their beliefs.

"I've dropped friends when I realised that after a two hour meet up I know everything about their lives and they know nothing about mine as they haven't asked"

And I find this kind of thing hard work. If you want to say something, just say it! People who need to be asked to join in before they'll volunteer any information are lacking in social skills.

Honestly op I think there's the whole world described in these posts.

Have a think about what about a person makes you want to be friends with them. Don't try to change yourself to not be all the things people are describing.

As ever, 'Im friendly, I like you' is the approach to take rather than 'I'm lonely, I need you'.

Doing things together is a way for friendships to develop - as a previous poster said, volunteering at a soup kitchen, yes; yoga, no.

I don't think I have a specific list of things. Adult friendships seem to have developed slowly and of my good friends, I could probably describe each in a negative way and each in a good way. I.guess the balance is to accept the negatives and be aware that you too have your negatives.

Years ago, in a baby group i went to, everyone sat around sort of cooing at babies and not really talking. I was at a bit of a lull re. Friendships, as all my mates were at different stages. So I suggested we all go for.a walk. A lot of us met up, but gradually, a few of us drifted together and became friends. We shared a laid back attitude and sense of humour. Of these, one became a close friend. Why? Partly cos we found out we were in same line of work. Partly cos our political views aligned, our teenage experiences were similar a n d we have very similar senses of humour.

I'm starting to worry that I do a lot of this stuff now .

I think the advice to be yourself is important though. If people don't like you for who you actually are you really friends? It's like relationships if you have to trap someone by pretending to be someone you aren't then what is the point?

I think the most important thing I learnt/am still learning is not to need other people's approval. There are so many reasons why someone might dislike you, but you'll never know them so what's the point in worrying about it? They might just be genuinely too busy to make time for new friends too.

Insincerity. I met someone once who would compliment everything about me and agree with everything I said. It got to be really annoying.

@taptonaria27 but conversations are two way street, they arent interrogations for you to wait to be asked? Cant you see most PP talking about intrusive ppl asking questions on day one? Did u not think to urself maybe that person is trying to keep a conversation going cuz u r sitting there in silence nodding ur head? Or maybe that person feels uncomfortable asking questions before you come forward and open up about urself? I'm one of those people who wouldnt ask questions in case i step on their boundaries and would much rather wait for them to talk about their lives when they feel ready

i've dropped friends when I realised that after a two hour meet up I know everything about their lives and they know nothing about mine as they haven't asked

I understand this as part of a pattern of showing no interest.

However when it comes to new people, there can be a cultural element that I only realised when I met a lovely male friend a couple of years ago.

We tried dating initially but I got very frustrated because he didn't seem to take much of an interest in me and instead told me a lot about his life and history and ideas despite being hugely kind and concerned about me, which was a bit confusing.

When I moaned about this to an older friend from a similar background, she explained that in their cultures, it was considered quite rude and intrusive to request personal information about (particularly new) people, instead conversation was built on each participant offering details and thoughts.

To me, that felt quite counterintuitive as in my culture (English), I would say it is to some extent the opposite. Whilst obsessive questioning is too much, it is considered boorish to over share and not try and draw out the other person.

I do try and bear this in mind, especially in a multicultural city and look more at whether people listen to what I say, giving me chance to speak, and want a balanced convo or are just looking for someone to blather to.

OP, do you have Asperger's? If you haven't considered this before, something to think about. Some of your posts read like an aspie (I mean that in a kind way).

My personal opinion is that aspie women sometimes find friendships with other women more difficult than with men, as (generalising hugely) female social interactions are more complex/ nuanced.

@Rhodri your comment is odd. I’d much rather be friends with someone more into astronomy than love island!

The kind of people I get drawn to are those who ‘do stuff’. It doesn’t have to be overly exciting but I like people who are independent and have a life beyond the humdrum of the every day.

I don’t tend to get on with people who moan a lot. Everyone needs to moan occasionally but some people are just constant.
People who gossip about others and are negative are also difficult to get on with.

'As ever, 'Im friendly, I like you' is the approach to take rather than 'I'm lonely, I need you'

Such a great way of putting it

I find it sad that you would immediately discard someone on the basis of their beliefs.

Well I have plenty of friends, so, meh. Why force myself to spend time with people my values are fundamentally misaligned with?

I think some of these comments are quite harsh. I don't think the OP seems repellent from her post. You're probably a nice person. I also don't have a tonne of female friends but I've worked out that deep down I don't feel genuinely wanted--and I think this stems from my upbringing where I was made to feel that I was a nuisance! I often get invited to see people etc but make myself scarce sometimes earlier than I should for fear of over staying my welcome or bothering people. I know this sounds messed up! Perhaps you also have these issues OP???

Everyone looks for different things in friends and it's about finding people you get on with and who get on with you. What one person views as neediness and oversharing, another person views as openness and developing a bond. Therefore, I don't think there is a tick list of things that you should or shouldn't do.

I find intense women off putting, also women who are constantly in competition with their children (and cannot be genuinely pleased for you if something good happens to your child). I also find women who feel the need to be in the "in crowd" off putting (whether that be tennis club, PTA or whatever)

@Nameandgamechange123 god i used to feel that way very much... Not sure what changed... Is it that i started to realise myself worth? Or seeing the ppl i actually care for reach out to me helped me realise that i have a lot to offer?
Certainly childhood was tough and made me feel unwanted and unwelcomed... Im glad i've gotten over most of the residue of that phase, although it feels to creep up on rare occasions still.