What would put you off becoming close friends with another woman?

[JungleRaisin]

I’ve never been able to manage to have a close friendship with another woman. Not in primary school, high school, sixth form, uni, or work.

They always see ‘be yourself’ but that clearly isn’t working for me. Makes me sad thinking I’m always going to have to put on a fake persona of normality if I am ever to make any female friends :(. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing wrong,

Please tell me your pet peeves in other women during the first convos that would put you off pursuing a close friendship with them? It seems faulty universal among women so any pounders would help.

I don’t massively struggle with getting male friends but I guess they don’t spot the social faux pas as much as women do.

I’m described as chatty, witty, always friendly, too nice (I.e everyone thinks I’d never lose my temper) but also a little cold so if I’ve any real bad traits, people clearly aren’t telling me about them. I think I am fairly intense and ask a lot of questions about someone’s life even on day 1 but also over-share about myself a bit.

Any tips?

*The things that put me off getting to know a potential new friend are:

If they ask for favours.

If they moan a lot.

If they talk 'at' me about themselves constantly and don't let me get a single word in.*

This is why I don't have any friends. Particularly due to the 3rd point. I just don't have the energy to listen to and take on other people's problems.

If they talk continuously about themselves but show no interest in you, or if you chip in, override as if you are rude to interrupt.

If they are negative about life and think friendship is all about getting together for a coffee and long moan.

If they are not great mothers. My own prejudice, but women who take pride in being indifferent mothers just irritate me.

If they show signs of prejudice. I recently met a woman who is close friends with a dear friend of mine who was sure we'd get on. On paper, we should: similar interests, politics, work life etc. But she launched into a really zealous bigoted tirade about a sector of society that doesn't choose to be as they are, (eg disabled.) I was in a situation where challenging her would have made my friend feel really uncomfortable so I just made excuses and left. But I know I will never want to get close to that woman even though there are keen discussions among the group to meet up again.

I don't have any special female friend strategy.

I just look for intelligence and humour and a shared interest.

You can't click with everyone but start with something in common and build from there.

And lose the attitude towards women friends. It can be a self fulfilling prophecy.

@JungleRaisin you sound exactly the sort of person I’d like to be friends with! But then, I’m also someone who struggles to form friendships so not your target audience here...
Following for tips.

Jungle, I've read all your posts, but not the whole thread (life is too short), so I don't know whether this has been said before. Your question in a way seems a bit back-to-front from my perspective, in that for me, close friendships (as opposed to casual friendships or acquaintanceships) are "opt-in" rather than "opt-out". My really close friends are ones I "clicked" with, usually fairly quickly rather than friends where we simply failed to put one anther off at an early stage.

But one thing I would suggest (as someone who's had friends of both sexes, and taken part in a lot of male-dominated hobbies) is that male and female socialisation work differently when it comes to forming friendships - male friendships, in my experience, are typically built round shared interested rather than shared personality traits. And hence their lack of longevity - they last for as long as the circumstances which brought them into being continue. Which doesn't necessarily make them fickle - my experience again is you can lose touch with a male friend for a few years, then pick up as though nothing had happened, whereas female friends are more likely to perceive loss of contact, even if for innocuous reasons like life just being a ton of shit for a year or so, as "ghosting."

Your descriptions of yourself remind me of a female friend of mine who is on the Autistic spectrum. She really wants to make friends - she's a lovely, very sociable person by nature - but finds it very hard because it's as if, not being good at reading signals naturally, she's made a set of rules (bit like you) of "must show interest, must share, must ask questions, must cover this list of topics because this is what good friends know about one another," which then comes across as too full-on and overly intrusive. She has some friends - but I think the onus in her case has always been for her neurotypical friends to realise early on what's going on and accommodate her, because she can't accommodate us (can't as in it's her disability - it is beyond her capacity to function in the way a lot of people expect her to) - and not all neurotypical people either realise this needs to be done, or have the personal psychological resources to do this.

The other thing to remember is luck and circumstance play a huge role. I found my maternity leave painfully lonely because I simply didn't click with any of the other women in baby classes (first time in my life this had happened). In the end I abandoned the attempt and just arranged Sunday pub lunches with groups of my (male) workmates. Then I went back to work and DS went to nursery, and suddenly I did click with quite a few of the other parents there (one of whom has become a really close friend).

Hmmm mostly I think I decide on the overall if I want to be friends with someone but I guess deal breakers so to speak are

Judgemental attitudes (yes I get the irony) , so sort of fixed beliefs like if so and so wears trainers or has a certain job they are low class or something stupid like that.

Drama especially in the early stages (I'm inherently lazy and cannot be arsed with drama)

I fully admit this is personal to me I suspect but I ca not be friends with overly fussy people , about food or houses etc. To be fair I very much dou t they would want to be friends with me either.

Having said all that ,I've had friends which are all of the above but mostly their good points have outweighed it all. They are no longer friends but I think more environmental reasons. (Move away from area etc).

I have a friend who I love to bits and one of the things is she is totally laid back with no passive aggressive judgement. We both have busy lives and it's been a hell of a couple of years. We agreed long ago no apologising from either of us if its been a while since we contacted. No nastiness or falling out. I love her for that no stress no drama.

I enjoy the company of most women I meet, but thinking about it, there are a couple of things that put me off. Firstly, people who are not at all independent, constantly asking for favours of all and sundry, not just of me. Secondly, people who have constant drama in their relationships, jobs, hobbies, and it's never their fault according to them. These traits irritate me equally in men or women by the way.

It’s definitely about chemistry - you could list desirable and undesirable traits all day long but I don’t think it would help you. That being said the women I am friends with are :
Liberal
Ambitious - lots of them have side hustles
Not twee and not “nicey nice”
Have outside interests & hobbies ( not necessarily mine)
Have opinions
Are not martyrs to motherhood.
Don’t care how clean my kitchen floor is.

I don’t have many close friends but the ones I have I could call from jail and they’d come and get me. I could also go drinking with them at 10.00am.

I want to say needy people, too loud, intolerant, moaning, myopic views, laziness, high concern with appearances. I can't handle any of that.

I don't have a lot in common with most people, lack shared interests.

The person I'm best friends with right now has a lot of stressful problems in her life but she compartmentalises asking me to support her with them and after that we do something else. We have great laughs, honest respectful disagreements and shared interests. GSOH is deffo key to social bonding. I am exhausted just being myself every day, can't take on other people's problems too.