What would put you off becoming close friends with another woman?

[JungleRaisin]

I’ve never been able to manage to have a close friendship with another woman. Not in primary school, high school, sixth form, uni, or work.

They always see ‘be yourself’ but that clearly isn’t working for me. Makes me sad thinking I’m always going to have to put on a fake persona of normality if I am ever to make any female friends :(. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing wrong,

Please tell me your pet peeves in other women during the first convos that would put you off pursuing a close friendship with them? It seems faulty universal among women so any pounders would help.

I don’t massively struggle with getting male friends but I guess they don’t spot the social faux pas as much as women do.

I’m described as chatty, witty, always friendly, too nice (I.e everyone thinks I’d never lose my temper) but also a little cold so if I’ve any real bad traits, people clearly aren’t telling me about them. I think I am fairly intense and ask a lot of questions about someone’s life even on day 1 but also over-share about myself a bit.

Any tips?

Those who can't let go of Mothers apron strings and bring mother along to every meet up

^

😱 Did this actually happen? The horror

In a friend, I look for tact, sensitivity, humour, honesty and loyalty. Any of the negative traits mentioned by PP are just common sense, really. Friendship needs time to develop.

If you were flakey and came across as not entirely truthful. If you texted me but never replied to my friendly response. That sort of thing. Not that i have anyone specific in mind

Did this actually happen? The horror

Yes. Every time we arranged to meet up with or without the kids she would bring mother. I hosted a dinner party one evening and invited DF and her DH, plus two other couples, who we both knew (we are not posh by any means!) just for us all to meet without the kids. Mother came too (uninvited). That was the final nail in the coffin of our friendship.

Off to change my user name to @manlythoughts**

@PerfidiousAlbion
Off to change my user name to @manlythoughts**

not sure inappropriatefemale will have your back to explain what that is

@HannaH021 - quite!

Fucking hell.

Being a woman has nothing to do with your personality or your job or how you talk. The only requirement is to be an adult with XX chromosomes.

Unless you listen to a prat like Eddie Izzard who claims that liking heels & nail varnish is down to his ‘girly genes’ anyway.

Not specific to women just people in general but I can't deal with very loud, over-confident people. It just does my head in and comes across as very forced so I tend to avoid them. I'm not particularly quiet or shy myself but there is an extreme that just drives me mad.

Thanks for the replies so far. Guess the only reason I made this thread is because friendships with men always get cut short for me even after a decade long friendship, if the man gets married, they gradually seem to drift away and the new wife often seems not cool with her husband continuing a friendship with someone he basically sees as a sibling. Likewise, lots of friends of friends (male) always seem interested in being friends and will message all the time and the minute they find out I have a partner, I get swiftly put back to acquaintance or I get long standing friendships with men who hope one day I will see them in a romantic light. At school and even uni, it was so easy to be friends with men purely platonically but now I’m finding it’s not :( there’s like an unwritten expiration date on male-female friendships

@JungleRaisin, I can’t say I’d be wildly enthused about being friends with someone who was only looking for female friends because her male friendships kept not working out.

And who blames the new wife when a man gets married. Not his priorities changing, but the mean wife not letting him out to play any more.

It would help if you stopped categorising people, OP. I've met women who claim they don't get on with other women or can't trust women or women are so bitchy and it immediately makes me think I won't waste time on them. Because over 50% of the population aren't slippery, untrustworthy bitches just because they have wombs.
Meet the individual. Do you have things in common? Do you enjoy the same activities, ideals, parenting values, do you want to achieve similar goals in fitness or a hobby, do you share a sense of humour for the ridiculous, do you both love helping out or fundraising or want company while you walk your dogs etc etc. Really doesn't matter if there's a willy or a womb under the pants!

I avoid
Moaners
Drama queens
Bitches
Two faced/fakes
Gossips
Low intelligence, still an ickle girl types
Anyone who talks about things like love Island, makeup, nails etc constantly.

Nosey
Gossip
Drama Queen
Moany
Immature

1. People don't normally care much about other people, absolutely first and foremost is themselves, so don't waste angst on what others think of you, whether they like you. Just get on with life.

1. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BE NICE.

Being nice means, pandering, spineless, simpering, false praise, false smiles, false laughs. Be you. And, if you want friends, be funny. Nice is bleh. Funny is the best.

I'm quite astonished at that one of the off-putting traits is 'asking for money'. Gawd, are folk really that up front that they ask a relative stranger for money? I have encountered this only once where the woman asking was known to be into drugs, so that would explain her brass neck (I didn't give her the money btw).

@Inappropriatefemale I can get the refusal to blow smoke up people's ass. And I can get your frustration with your friend. It sounds like she's draining you by never changing the record every time you meet, and any time you have together is mostly taken up with her moaning and you listening. I have a friend similar. She lives a fair distance away so we generally only meet once, maybe twice a year. I've know her since school so have a shared history together but when we meet now she dominates the whole time with how shite her life is. It frustrates me because I want the weekends to be fun and happy and it's my bloody time too and I don't want to waste it listening to the same old same old. That feels treacherous to write :( In some ways I wish she lived nearer so we could have more time together in bite sized chunks but the annual weekends are draining. I can't quite give up on her because I'd feel she's no-one else to turn to

CuriousPixie - I totally sympathise with this - I've had similar problems and I struggle with boundaries due to being called selfish as a child and feeling as a result I had no right, if you like, to tell someone to 'do one'!!
The only thing I fear though from your last sentence is if you feel like you can't give up on her because she has no one else, this feeling may turn to bitterness when you're saddled with her and wishing you could be somewhere else doing other things. I admit I find this difficult myself.
However, one time I ditched a friend cos I found her immature. Within a short time she'd found a boyfriend who she subsequently married and had a baby with . So, what I'm trying to say is cutting her off may make her turn her life round, innovate and find new people/have new experiences? In that way, you'd be doing yourself and her a favour? She may be upset initially that you've cut her off but she then may look for other ways to enhance her life

@Settle59 I can get what you're saying. It would make me sad though, I'm sure deep down, her old self is there. I guess one of the positives of her living a distance is that it's not really an issue most of the time so I can tolerate it. I've tried gently suggesting she needs to take a step back and focus on what would make her happy but it's usually met with obstacles as to why she can't do it. Sorry I've hijacked the thread. Back to the OP.

Take it from me.... do not become friends with a woman who moves way too quickly at the beginning of a relationship and acts like she's your soul mate. She's probably a narcissist which I'm just coming to terms with now 4 years later. I missed all the red flags. Just don't do it.

Being honest, I'm a bit suspicious of women who have difficulty making friends with other women. My experience has taught me that they are either the sort of people who hate women or that they prefer a friendship with someone who fancies them a bit.

I'm not saying that's the case for you, op, but the lack of female friendships might be putting people off.

I make most friends through work or through hobby groups. Just be friends with whoever is around you and you have something in common with.

@daisydaisydoodle

I don't really do close female friendships any more. Fell out with my last one seven years ago. She was too intense. A few women have tried to get really friendly with me over the last few years and I've shut it down. Things that put me off are lots of texts Lots of tagging on Facebook People who overshare too soon Equally people who don't give a little of their problems/ lives at the right time. People pushing me into nights out. People who don't value my time/ are late a lot.

I feel for you tbh because it's difficult to learn how to have female friendships. Just like it's difficult to hit it off with the right guy.

All this.

I've also had in the past few years - close friendships (from secondary school strangely enough but one not) who've been close over a period of 2 years or so - when we've either both been single or not single - but they seem to be tied to a man and then seem to drop friends - which is one thing I don't ever do.

This really annoys me and puts me off making friends like that as why should I be bothered. One idiotic school friend of mine slobbered down the phone at me 'but I'm in luurrvvvve' after 2-3 months.

Another sort of friend/acquaintance from school (in year above) who tried to get me to be friendly - wanted me to go to her house all the time and drink, rang me up drunk. I avoided her because of latter two things.

@fluffynotebook

Take it from me.... do not become friends with a woman who moves way too quickly at the beginning of a relationship and acts like she's your soul mate. She's probably a narcissist which I'm just coming to terms with now 4 years later. I missed all the red flags. Just don't do it.

Yep, best buddy ones (had 3 in past 10 years or so) never end well!

One thing I would say - if you take an interest in people or make the effort to chat that really helps - I made a friend whom I don't see that much (her shop was near where I worked) now but we are in touch - she owns a small gift shop/interior design shop and I went there and got chatting to her on several occasions.

One day she was speaking to me - discovered we have similar birthdays and then she mentioned friendship - I was a bit at first because us Brits don't do this - she's American - but we went for coffee another time and really get on! It was also flattering to have someone want to be friends. Pity I then left that job!