What would put you off becoming close friends with another woman?

[JungleRaisin]

I’ve never been able to manage to have a close friendship with another woman. Not in primary school, high school, sixth form, uni, or work.

They always see ‘be yourself’ but that clearly isn’t working for me. Makes me sad thinking I’m always going to have to put on a fake persona of normality if I am ever to make any female friends :(. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing wrong,

Please tell me your pet peeves in other women during the first convos that would put you off pursuing a close friendship with them? It seems faulty universal among women so any pounders would help.

I don’t massively struggle with getting male friends but I guess they don’t spot the social faux pas as much as women do.

I’m described as chatty, witty, always friendly, too nice (I.e everyone thinks I’d never lose my temper) but also a little cold so if I’ve any real bad traits, people clearly aren’t telling me about them. I think I am fairly intense and ask a lot of questions about someone’s life even on day 1 but also over-share about myself a bit.

Any tips?

I agree with other people that by other in women you’re probably creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don’t mind questions. Far preferable to the utter bores who drone on about themselves and never ask anyone else anything about themselves and don’t listen to the responses anyway.

Well nothing really, I get on with most women.

Things that have put me off potential friendships include the following.

Bear in mind that despite having male and female good friends, I am introverted and bit of a funny one in that people generally either become good friends or they don't. I don't really seem to keep many casual mates to just have the odd coffee with etc. Others may be more tolerant!

But anyway, my 2p worth:

-Immediate high levels of contact, texting every day, wanting a response. Any comment upon a late or no response. This feels needy and a bit unstable to me.

-talking at me. low interest in having a balanced conversation. not listening to answers, just waiting to talk again

• overwhelmingly talking about one's problems early on (understandable if something bad is happening- and I don't see myself as the arbiter of what constitutes bad; but not so much if it is just normal work or family difficulties). I used to attract these sorts of 'good samaritan' friendships until I realised it was a symptom of low self esteem on my part. I have let most of them either fizzle or become more balanced

-instantly maligning other people

-claiming to be a victim in certain circumstances with no reflection on the role they may have played (not talking about crime, bullying, cheating or abuse, more relationship, work or family issues where nothing is ever their fault)

-asking for favours very soon (unless a real, unforeseeable, non financial emergency comes up, for instance I did some shopping for a new friend with covid).

• speaking to me in a way I don't like. condescension, snapping, rudeness. I don't care if it's 'just their way'

• unfunny (to me) Frankie Boyle type humour, laughing at things like the disabled and missing children.

• early conversation all about their and other people's lives, or their work. Low interest in current affairs, politics, culture ('high' or 'low' so including Love Island) etc. Not saying people need to be world political experts or fans of anything posh but insularity puts me off.

-Do you have any views that might be unpopular? I would be instantly put off by any mention of believing in conspiracies, anti vaxxing, nationalism etc. I have some good friends who believe in the first two, so I am not intolerant to other views (although I heartily wish they would reconsider the anti vaxxing) but these sorts of opinions would put me off if expressed off the bat.

Someone who tries to engineer a friendship rather than just letting it develop.

All my good friends are people who have become friends over time. Someone who I meet once then want my number to meet for a coffee are a no for me. I've met friends at work, my kids school, hobbies etc. If someone starts off by bitching about someone else that's also a no. Someone who seems to go through different friends regularly - there's a new 'bestie' every couple of months. Also a no.

Neediness
Jealousy
Never asking how you are.

Wanting to go out with the girls and get blotto been there and done that, not interested now.

Someone who is very black and white... its my way or the highway. E.g. Im a practicing catholic. Ive had some friends constantly picking on that. Just live and let live or f off.

Any hint of racism etc.

None of the above things put me off. In fact I like all of them. The needier the better, with lots of problems and moaning? And too open from the start?
Ie cut the bullshit, I'll Tell you everything about myself that you need to know and let's get on with being close friends?

Actually suits me down to the ground!!

I have 6 close friendships:
my 3 friends across the road, we WhatsApp daily and go on long weekends away.
My best friend, from uni.
A good friend from school.
My mum.

I tell them all, everything.

I don't need any other friends. That fulfills me totally.

I like quirky people. I don’t mind if someone asks me lots of questions. I don’t need to answer. I don’t mind slightly needy people. I find people interesting. It’s nice to get a bit of a two way conversation though.

I don’t like it when people are unkind about someone. Unless that person is unpleasant in which case it amuses me. Humans are a weird and complex mess!

I have never been one for a group of girls out drinking and shopping as I don’t do those things myself. My friends are all a bit quirky. I was quite attractive when younger and have found it much easier to make friends as I age!

You sound nice OP and I’m sure we would be friends

Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend and I don’t know why. DH reckons it’s because I’m not all cuddly and “aww hun” - I’m very serious, deep, grumpy and a bit of a know it all, and very reserved and quiet too. A bit of an eccentric professor type. Apparently that’s a “downer” and puts people off.

I am very socially lazy and rarely arrange anything as while I enjoy people I don't particularly crave them. I get very absorbed in my projects. So almost all my good friends are socialisers who arrange things. They all talk a lot and boss me about, which is what I like, I guess! I like bossy, irrepressible, mouthy women. One of my best friends told me her entire life story practically the day we met and has not yet completed this anecdote. :D

So if you're a shy retiring type, by sheer inertia, we would not be friends.

Different people are different.

you don't have to be "aww hun" to have friends . People who are actual professors have friends

I don’t know then. I can’t talk about Love Island because I don’t watch stuff like that - I’m more likely to tell you there’s an interesting astronomical conjunction next week. Perhaps I’m boring.

It may not be you, you may just not have found your people. I find making friends with women very difficult, I always say or do the wrong thing and sometimes the problem isn’t me and sometimes it is. You need to find people who accept you for who you are. I also think the area you live in helps, having lived in two cities and now a small town, I found cities easier, if I didn’t like one netball club I could always try another. In a small town it’s not that easy.
What puts me off people, not just women is boasting, comparing, complaining and bragging. Also people who use money as a way of thinking they have achieved more. I also don’t really like people who are very into celebrities and gossip.

It will be impossible to always get it right, I do some of the things that have been mentioned on this list. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about you?

I’m very serious, deep, grumpy and a bit of a know it all, and very reserved and quiet too. A bit of an eccentric professor type. Apparently that’s a “downer” and puts people off
@Rhodri - you're meeting the wrong people! I don't want to sound flippant but have you tried groups more aligned to your interests, e.g. book clubs, history etc.?

I worked with a very serious and academic woman once - she was in a different area but clearly had no friends in her all male team. We went out for lunch together a few times and she told me I was the only one IN HER ENTIRE CAREER who made any effort to get to know her. I think that's actually quite tragic.

@Rhodri There's nothing wrong with being smart or serious but if you think it makes you better than others, of course they won't like you.

@Rhodri it's possible to be an academic achiever and get on with all sorts of people.

OP - manic questioning drives me mad. I always think it exposes someone trying to measure themselves against you.

I don't really have time for new friendships. Atm I'm finding keeping up with the ones I have quite hard work. I think a lot of women are in the same boat, so it won't always be personal.

Things that put me off people:

• intrusive questions
• but also only talking about themselves
• unkindness about anyone

Not understanding sarcasm.

Drama queen - wouldnt stop me enjoying her company but would prevent her moving from the aquaintance category to friend.

Women aren’t put off friendship with other women if they are attractive. What an utterly inane thing to say.

Drama queens put me off too, and people who whinge, and people who are mean about other people

Everyone else I would spend time with - I am a listener which apparently, from my friends' perspectives makes me a good friend, unfortunately friendships do become a bit one-sided as I am not a big sharer, so I feel a bit on the edge, like I do not belong sometimes.

I wouldn't make friends with someone:

competitive- always comparing themselves/ you/ other people.

fake: putting a front on, pretending their life is perfect. I love a bit of funny self deprecation.

gossipy: if they talk to you about other people, assume they talk about you to other people

This is a subjective question. Not sure u'll gain much.

For me it is the connection, do we share similar thought process? Is she frank as i am, does she like a good laugh? Is she "listening" to me or her attention/gaze is allover the place. Am i finding myself explaining myself too often, or are we on the same page and clicking well? Are we able to maintain a good conversation?

From these i'll be able to draw conclusions on her personality whether or not shes my type.
i have very few friends, cuz i'm highly selective

That was a bit unkind Dromberg. I used to be drawn towards men for friendships because I found them easier. When I began looking at that, I realised I was terrified of other women, stemming from the abusive relationship that I had with my mother.

I'm still figuring relationships with other women out, so not much advice there OP, but what I will say is that it's difficult to be yourself until you have a good solid idea of who you are, which can take a bit of hashing out during therapy.