What would put you off becoming close friends with another woman?

[JungleRaisin]

I’ve never been able to manage to have a close friendship with another woman. Not in primary school, high school, sixth form, uni, or work.

They always see ‘be yourself’ but that clearly isn’t working for me. Makes me sad thinking I’m always going to have to put on a fake persona of normality if I am ever to make any female friends :(. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing wrong,

Please tell me your pet peeves in other women during the first convos that would put you off pursuing a close friendship with them? It seems faulty universal among women so any pounders would help.

I don’t massively struggle with getting male friends but I guess they don’t spot the social faux pas as much as women do.

I’m described as chatty, witty, always friendly, too nice (I.e everyone thinks I’d never lose my temper) but also a little cold so if I’ve any real bad traits, people clearly aren’t telling me about them. I think I am fairly intense and ask a lot of questions about someone’s life even on day 1 but also over-share about myself a bit.

Any tips?

JungleRaisin bitching is not an attractive trait. You know they'll do it to you as soon as your back's turned. You stay as you are

Same here Pink.

I think I am fairly intense and ask a lot of questions about someone’s life even on day 1 but also over-share about myself a bit.

That might be an issue.

My first thought was that you're probably great looking but that shouldn't be an issue. But some women are ridiculously insecure.

My off-putters are early bitching. If you're talking about them, you'll be talking about me soon enough. And I don't want to hear constant moaning about partners.

I’m guessing you are probably quite, if not very, physically attractive

It's possible to be physically ugly and still have no friends.

Based on past bad friendship experiences, my personal no-nos now are:

Rudeness/insensitivity masquerading as 'being refreshingly honest';
Narrow-mindedness;
Judging/lack of empathy;
Trying to tell people how to run their lives;
Bitching behind people's backs.

Thanks incognito and sorry to hear that Bertold. It does shape us and I am assuming that therapy is the only real way out of that. It’s tricky that what you say about work isn’t it. I remember being a young employee and naturally hanging out with the other young ones. Maybe we need to try to be like that again somehow.

For me it's two things, if they do this within the first three months of meeting them:

1. ask for money.
2. tell me, the first time I meet them, all their problems.

I find both weird and telling of a person. I mean why would you ask someone you barely know for money, and why tell them upon meeting them everything that's gone wrong in your life.

Just to clarify, if a friend was going through a rough time of course I would be with them. But if it's someone I've just met detailing how they arent drinking because they are an alcoholic who had their kids taken off them, and now they're trying to stay sober to prove they can have them back, instead of just saying well I'm just trying to cut back as I realised I was drinking too much.

Its also very different to helping an established friend with a problem.

Prior to this, I used to try and make a friendship with them and help them through it. 10/10 of them always let me down, used me before disappearing because they couldnt cope. Once I stopped persuing friendships with people who did these things, yes my circle got smaller but it also got more sincere, reliable and proved to be real friendships and I didnt feel all our time together was spent in therapy sessions.

I find friendship if it's there develops on it's own, and as you get to know the person better by all means confide in them. But not on the first meeting

I avoid people who: talk at me, who are very intense, who ask favours from the outset, who talk all about themselves but show no interest in me, who gossip about other women, who whine about their weight or their love life, or who are absolutely silent and give nothing away about what they think or feel.

I would pursue friendships with: people who have a positive outlook on life, who have active interests and talk about them with passion; who are interested in the world about them, who can discuss current affairs and politics, even if our opinions are widely different, who enjoy their work, who love the arts, who want to meet up to do something, not just gossip over coffee - I'd be 10 times more likely to say yes to a walk or a swim than a drink.

The female friendship world can be a nest of vipers! I've had too many grim experiences to mention. And didn't have many decent female friendships until late 30s. People say I'm too direct, but now I'm 45 I'm not going to dampen myself down or apologise for who I am. I can't do/tolerate chit chat or small talk so maybe other women have found me a bit intense. Agree with those posters who find friendships develop more organically with a shared interest, for me that's often been hiking/bike rides.

I can't relate to people who aren't into music, to me that's just weird and says something about a person's soul. Also entitlement/lack of awareness of privilege is a no go.

Emotional vampires/mood hoovers are a no...it's taken me a while to learn to swerve those.

I'm pretty slim and toned, plus tall. All my life have attracted snipes and digs from other women, sometimes quite overtly. I don't get it, as I don't get jealous...Some of my friends are stunning...I just celebrate it!

Oh also the "im not a feminist as I like men" type women...wtf???

focus
I think you're right on some people having lots of rules and hoops to jump.

I hate feeling like I've got to pass some sort of cool test of superficial chat topics. That's probably why I don't have my tribe at work, but I don't mind. It's much better to have a smaller group of friends with shared interests.

When they use me to be best buddies with my husband.

Thanks so far everyone.
What’s everyone’s feeling about someone who is quite nervous and anxious? (Like a little stuttery)? Would that put you off building a close friendship is they generally seemed okay otherwise?

A lot of people citing intensity as a turn off shows me how wrong I went with it all this time.. I’d always ask people tons of questions out of curiosity and thought people like talking about themselves so it wouldn’t put them off but clearly it does.

Much better someone who is nervous and anxious than someone who is full of ego and self interest. I don't mind questions or intensity myself really, as long as it isn't rude or idle curiosity.

Thanks @RosesandIris
What things would you consider rude or idle curiosity if asked to you?

A couple of questions I have been asked that I find intrusive ‘Why did you choose to have an only child?’, ‘when did you start to go grey ... and why don’t you colour your hair?’ (Yes, honestly been asked that ) .... whatever the answer to those questions it doesn’t really define me as a person so why would someone ask them? .
The sort of questions that would want me to become friendly with someone are (examples only), ‘I am interested in your volunteering role, can you tell me how to get involved’ or I heard you walked to the local castle, may I join you on another occasion‘.

Much better someone who is nervous and anxious than someone who is full of ego and self interest

See, I have no problem with a healthy level of ego and self-interest. If a new acquaintance doesn't think they are at all interesting or worthy of interest, and everything about their conversation and body language is saying MOVE ON, NOTHING TO SEE HERE AND JUST TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOU, why would anyone else take the time and effort dig past their reserve/shyness/ poor self-esteem to discover whether that's true, or that they're actually wonderful?

Idle curiosity to me is questions designed to dig out stuff that can be gossiped about to others. Rudeness - someone telling me how or what I should be doing according to them, or judgemental remarks conveying their feeling that I'm not up to scratch. I once had friends round for a BBQ and used bought burgers rather than making them myself. One of the people present said 'I would have made them myself'. That's rude.

My pet hate though is people who are late. I just find it incredibly rude. i don't mean being late once, I mean people who keep you waiting every single time you meet.

It strikes me @JungleRaisin that maybe looking at Active Listening as a skill might help you. Small tactics to help navigate through a conversation. Or networking skills. Yes these are normally focused on work situations but can be transferable.

Questions should be batted back and forth it’s always bad if it’s totally one sided.

I don’t like intensity, I also detest people that mess about on their mobile phones. If someone rings and it’s home and they have dc or it’s an elderly parent that’s fine but updating social media and stuff like that just forget it.

I have male and female friends. I do have two women friends that are really in to fashion and I could not give less of a shit. I do admire them for making such an effort but we know we’re never going to tick that same box. I have a lot of male friends because I’m in to gaming and have been for many decades, am gaming buds with some women but don’t bump in to other women online often unfortunately. Last woman I gamed with was a complete misogynist and bloody horrible, she likes to try and fit in with the boys. What was amusing is the stuff she was trying to impress the group with didn’t work and she just made an idiot of herself.

OP, someone stuttering wouldn't put me off at all. Nor would a bit of social anxiety as long as I could tell they wanted to get past it and focus on some interesting things to chat about. But I do get put off by people who are so painfully shy they send out the message: 'it's your job to draw me gently out of my excruciating shell while I give you no help at all. If you don't manage to, you have failed. If you do, I may resent the intrusion.' I just walk away from people like that. I find it oddly aggressive.

I don't think making friends is this simple, like just follow these tips and people will like you. The tips aren't wrong in that people do find those things annoying, but friendship is more about a chemistry between two people and you have it or you don't.

Someone who is very charismatic could for example, over share on a first meeting and the other person would think "they are so open and honest, how refreshing, I want to be their friend". On the other hand I (who have no charisma) could tell the identical story and the other person would think "eww stop oversharing, why is she boring me with this, she is horrible".

Every action or conversation will be interpreted differently if someone just inherently likes you.

Reading this I am wondering if I am one of these people who is pissing people off because they think I expect to be drawn out. I tend to ask lots of questions . I am genuinely more interested in others than in myself . I find it quite difficult to talk about myself unless I am close to someone and trust them. So perhaps the reason others show little interest in me and talk about themselves all the time is because they find my reticence frustrating.

Reading through the comments i can tell some ppl are 100% not my vibe... Lol

One thing i see a lot of ppl do that is guaranteed to put me off is someone that wonders around with their gaze while you're talking to them... Or keep checking their phone without it even ringing. Very poor listening skills... I tend to slow down and sometimes stop what i'm saying, cuz it just shows they arent interested and let them do the talking... Yet still, their gaze will continue to surf and observe other ppl in the coffee shop or canteen even when they are talking themselves. These ppl are just after someone to sit with and have lunch with cuz they dont want to be alone... Either way, you get two chances so im more sure than not, that this is how u behave and it isnt a one off...

Yeah I Can’t stand it when you are out for lunch or dinner with a friend , boyfriend, wife , husband or a stranger and they get their phone out, it just winds me up .
Surely you can leave your home/work for 30 mins at least before looking at the your phone ?

Op are you very pretty? Some women don't want to be friends with women more attractive then they are being themselves.

What really puts me off is when they are:

Gossiping a lot about others
Being stingy
Being a pessimist
Overly flirty with my DH
Always in competition with others.

Basically frenemy behavior.