Badly explain your job

[Greenandcabbagelooking]

Because I think we all need a laugh at the moment! Inspired by a Twitter hashtag, explain your job (or an old one) and guess what other posters’ jobs were.

I use dangerous chemicals and fire around children.

@purrswhileheeats

You work on a beauty counter?

@Greenandcabbagelooking - yup

I (usually) spend mornings sorting food for a group of people who only really want pudding and throw everything else in the bin

I get given £18m per year to buy things

I sell poison to people

Most of my job at the moment involves (apparently) being of little help to people who can't get food delivered.

I tell large businesses they're being greedy bastards and to hand some of it back right now.

I steal people’s money

I tell people how to breathe and which parts of their body to move and when. I make people lie on their back, front, sit down, stand up, get on all fours and lie in their side.

@Cairoprankster and @usercheeselover - yep! Editor and proofreader 😀

Not even close @Pickles89 I do test water samples though...

I spend my days organizing the optimal timing of (ideally) a single annual shag for my darlings. It's important that my sleeves are closely fitted yet can be rolled to my shoulder.

I tell people building things how to stick to rules established by other people who build things and some people in wigs. Sometimes I help them argue with other people.

@InvisibleToEveryone I think we do the same job - do you work in a school kitchen? My lot don't even like pudding half the bloody time!

I try and keep a small mammal alive

I mainly spray bitrex at people, lately

You're fit testing face masks, so something medical or related to medicine.

Zoo keeper for miniature humans

@Pickles89 - nearly right! Not a detective, but same employer

@steamedxmaspudding
I have unsupervised video conversations with children on the internet
Prince William? Kate?

@FVfrog pilates instructor?

I use dangerous chemicals and fire around children.

I'm the one who prepares said chemicals and makes sure that there is fire

I encourage young people to make a noise.

I watch people get emotional with animals.

@rabbitsnose

Bunny rescuer?

@7Penguins Auditor? Matches my job description