Badly explain your job

[Greenandcabbagelooking]

Because I think we all need a laugh at the moment! Inspired by a Twitter hashtag, explain your job (or an old one) and guess what other posters’ jobs were.

I use dangerous chemicals and fire around children.

@TerrorWig
My job makes things so efficient I put people out of a job, that's what it feels like at the moment anyway
You design or operate robots?

@InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud

Teach first aid?

I try to frighten people, in particular women

Pension/insurance sales?

Chasing boys across a muddy field

PE teacher at a boys school?

Or a referee.

I get people to do stuff, then they have to tell me when they’ve done it and I can make pretty pictures about the work they’ve done.

Strap people in chairs inside a metal tube and throw food at them

@Wauden, no

Charity would be good, but actually an economic regulator, setting caps on profits of monopoly companies.

@CatBatCat just read yours out to DH and he hooted with laughter - this exactly sums up what he does.

Important people fuck things up and I try to limit the damage.

I used to meet with tearful people and give them a pleasant service.

@stickwoman are you cabin crew?

@namechangenumber2 are you a school counsellor?

I tell people where to go and what to do in order to help other people

@bettybattenburg - advertising ?

I take people's blood out of their body and wash it around a funny machine.

redglitter police call handler?

I used to make computers add up how much money rich people would make.

But now I ask questions of people who are feeling very sad and then boss them about.

My old job -
Standing still for hours on end whilst people give me money and complain about things they've found nearby. Or complain about things they haven't been able to find nearby.
Sometimes they ask for money.

Majestic - yes that's me!

My job primarily involves me being a thick, lazy part timer who dislikes and doesn't understand children

I kiss and cuddle my clients whilst wearing funny clothes

I come up with new ways to annoy website users with adverts.

Old job, outside: looked at pictures, then walked around doing sums and asking people to do stuff.

New Job, inside: talking to angry people, doing sums, then asking confused people to stop being silly.

I play Monopoly professionally. Fortunately our extensive teams of compliance, risk and internal audit people help ensure I never inadvertently select the Go To Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect £200 card.