Three words you never EVER want to hear from your DP

[GulliBelle]

Mine are, "We could camp".

Let’s go away.
No I love being at home not in the bloody camper van .

SOOOO, followed by a yawn, to indicate that whatever's coming up is something he already knows I won't like, but he doesn't want me to make a big deal about it so he presents it in a manner he thinks indicates that this thing I need to know is so dull I probably shouldn't give it another thought. Honestly. Forget I said anything. But at least I'm telling you.

The school called...

When I have just told him something profound like a child being bullied or terrible illness in family or something awful at work....(blank look) (uttered in whiny voice) ‘what’s for dinner?’

Are you on?
Or Are you due on?

'We need to..'.

Which means 'you need to...'

All. The. Time

I can't find... This unvaryingly translates as, please stop what you're doing immediately and help me look for my keys/the remote/my phone etc. Especially annoying when he's about to leave for work, I don't have to get up and he comes into the bedroom and announces it.

Unvaryingly? Invariably. My English has deserted me this afternoon. As you were.

I've been thinking .....

"I don't mind..." in response to me asking him whether there is anything he fancies for dinner, followed by him disagreeing with every suggestion I then make, followed by him eventually telling me what he actually wanted all along but didn't bloody say so when I originally asked.

Not three words but my name in a particular tone of voice. A bit like a child says 'Muuum'. I know he wants something that I really don't want to do, usually something work related.

Watching The Match ( means Wales are playing rugby )

Kisses and cuddles?

His current twee euphemism for fancy a shag. It immediately makes my fanjo dry up and clamp tightly closed and stops any latent interest there might have been. If he could just do the kissing and cuddling and see where it led, he might have better luck.

The boilers broken

We need to... = I want you to

Remember I/we said... = I forgot to tell you

Fancy a cup of tea = will you make me a drink? (I don’t drink tea)

What's the time?

Not annoying of itself you'd think. But why does he keep asking? We have an Alexa and/or a clock in every room on the house. DH has an expensive birthday watch on his wrist yet he still asks me this multiple times a day and immediately forgets the answer. I am not the fucking Speaking Clock.

Have you ................................ because he is basically fucking useless.

'Have we ......?'

He's asking because he hasn't, so 'have we...?' translates as 'have you ....?'

Or 'I've been thinking.....'

He really shouldn't do that. After 30 years of marriage we both know this.

Have you seen ......... my this or that cos I'm the only one who puts things away in this house 🙄

I'll do dinner.
No please don't I won't like it, DS won't like it and there will be a shit load of washing up after for me to do.

Now don’t panic...

"Let's tidy up" followed by "won't take long"

Which means he pulls everything out of the cupboard, moans about it, gets fed up and I'm left to put it all back. And it takes bloody ages as well

I’m another ‘work has said’..... plans instantly out of the window, can be anything up to and including a house move across Europe in 6 weeks time.

Or ‘let’s go camping’.... fuck no, I don’t camp.

‘Quick 5 miler’ hahahahahaha see you in eight hours then.....

The other one is 'We don't need...', followed by 'I don't mind...'.

This means 'I'm terrified of spending any significant sums of money to make either of our lives easier. I will do the manual version instead, but I won't do it often enough, I won't do it properly and you'll be miserable because you refuse to do the hard version yourself, but I will NEVER admit that this is a bit shite and, on balance, we do need to make the purchase. I shall also pull faces about you looking at anything other than the very cheapest version of whatever it is.'

He did this for three months when the washing machine packed up. The oven still needs to be replaced - temperature settings of OFF or HOTTER THAN THE SURFACE OF THE SUN do not count as functional when it was only £110 new and the quoted repair is £180+VAT.

And I am so fucking sick of the greasy coating on every fucking pot, pan, utensil and plate because the delicate flower can't tolerate hot water and forgets to do things like change the fucking water when he dips things briefly in there, doesn't rinse them and leaves them sitting next to unwashed things until they need to be done again.

The moment I've got the money, I'm getting another fucking dishwasher. The oven is annoying, but the hob works, as does the new microwave I insisted upon after his saying 'We don't need a new one' for a year before I snapped, hearing the crackles and pops from the rusted inside.

I put my foot down and ordered an expensive vacuum cleaner after two £25 ones blew up within a fortnight of purchase and he then decided we didn't need another one when there was a broom and two sodding cats leaving tumbleweeds for the next month.

I don't understand why it's supposed to be a virtue to deliberately martyr yourselves, rather than spend money you've worked bloody hard for on things that make your life easier.

He probably dreads my saying 'You home Tuesday?' because that usually means 'I've ordered something expensive that you don't think we need and you'll have to be in to accept the delivery'

Just as well we get along everywhere else.