Who gets the biggest room?

[moveandmove]

We are looking to move house soon. There will be 3 bedrooms. 2 are bigger and are the same size as each other. The third is a tiny box room. Could fit a single bed in and a chest of drawers (which is what's in there currently). That room is above the stairs so a bit of the room is taken up by that but you can put stuff on top of it iyswim.

There is me, dp, my ds10 and dp's dd18. Who do you think gets the smallest room?

It does sound a very unsuitable house for your needs.

Personally, I would prioritise a 10 year old over an 18 year old with regard to rooms (especially over a gap year 18 year old). She will be out with her friends most of the time anyway. In addition, if there is no space she can go into uni digs in term time the following year.

The 22 year old should not even be in the equation if space is limited.

Your son should be in the big room and the garden room (presumably with en suite and heating) would be perfect for an 18 year old. She would probably love the privacy.

Hmmm. I was going to say ds gets the box room, but I’m not sure. Can you find another house? Or, could you offer dsd the choice of box room or garden room? Dss then gets the box room if she wants the garden room, for choosing not to houseshare I think he takes what he gets plus he’s older plus he doesn’t need space to study.

Are there issues with mum? Given it’s a gap year surely it’s the one time in her life dsd could up sticks and visit her mum for a few months and experience a different country?

Xbox in the living room no matter what you end up doing, not in a 10 year olds bedroom. I don’t think many posters appreciated your sarcastic oh I should just move the Xbox to the living room then? Like that’s a form of neglect instead of good parenting.

Is your DS also having to move school because of this ? if so, in the case of him getting box room, he loses his school, teachers, clubs, mates, then he gets to share his mother with 3 new people & 2 of which probably won't give him the time of day, & get downsized into a box.

Not a scenario I would consider

Also OP the money you’ve saved for and put in to your house, what will your ds get if you die? Your dp may end up walking away with the lot

If you can't come up with another solution (like another house) they can swap every 6 months. Decorate each room neutrally and they can swap. It's the only way to not look like you're choosing a favourite between them.

What does your dp think about all this?

I would go for the adult son moving into a house share and a conservatory instead of a garden shed thing or whatever it was for the youngest to play in.

You've posted about this before haven't you! You got similar responses then once you have all the information.

If I remember correctly it's a case of DP moves out with his kids or the feckless 22yo rents his own place!

I'm the youngest child...
Always had the box room. With clever bedroom furniture it's fine and there was always enough room. I never spilled out my belongings into other areas of the house

How big is the new property if there is room for a outhouse in the garden? And who is going to fund that?

Is the mum leaving the country coinciding with your upcoming marriage? Where would dp's children have lived if you were not marrying dp?

How long has he lived with you?

Please don’t do this OP. You are putting your and your son’s future security at risk - if the marriage goes wrong the presumption will be equal division of assets upon divorce, even if he is bringing nothing to the marriage (in not dissimilar circumstances, my mum had to pay a six figure sum to my stepdad when divorcing him which was much of her equity in her house )

You have posted before haven't you? I agree with those saying that you could do with taking the time to slow down, re-think, and make sure you look after the interests of yourself and your son.

Let her burst into tears all she wants, she's an entitled brat. She's 18 years old and someone is moving house just to give her a place to live where she doesn't have to pay. She should be very grateful that you're doing this at all, most would simply say they don't have the space.

The adult DS is a joke and needs to sort out somewhere to live.

If you can I'd review this situation, assuming you have not already bought. I would akso hope you have sought legal advice so that you're secure in the event of a breakdown?

I'm all for equality in blended families, but this is slightly different.

Sd18 is only coming because her mother is in effect clearing off to do as she pleases. Sd hasn't been a part of the household unit to date. She's opting for a year out to do f all! And I wonder in all honesty whether she will even start uni let alone complete it.

Looking at things realistically, at 18, she should be using the time to get a job or travel or do something, so only really should need somewhere as a base. I assume the small room you could get a small slimline desk for a laptop? That should suffice. And really I'd have thought that by 22 she'd be making her own way in the world wanting her freedom. If not by then she can move to the garden.

I don't think that the child who will be living there for 8 plus years should be in the smaller room. He has toys etc.

As harsh as this is, their father your oh, could try to facilitate other arrangements if this is not to his daughter's standards.

The house isn't right so from the start it's a losing battle.

You presumably love this man if you're marrying him and knew about his children beforehand so part of me thinks finding space to accommodate them is just part of being with him; ok one is 22 but he's still your fiancées son and parenting doesn't suddenly end at 18 so I think saying oh well he's homeless now or he'll have to cope like some posters is ridiculous imo. Saving for a house deposit sounds sensible and if you can just put him in a garden house (not sure how this works but if you've figured it out, cool) then that's fine and why not? You're helping him long term, as families should help their children.

Being a student and living at home is sensible. She'll have less of a loan to repay. And it SHOULD be her home; you are marrying her father, her mother is buggering off abroad. She needs some stability, poor thing. You don't get to choose her dad and then consign her to bottom of the heap.

For me, if you must go for this house I'd give her biggest room as she is there full time and it is honestly LUDICROUS to have the biggest room empty HALF of the time just so your son can have friends over occasionally. He can entertain his guests in the living room or garden. Yes, he's your child and yes you've worked hard for your current set up but the reality is that you're getting married and taking on two children and if you don't want to accommodate them then you need to rethink your relationship, not your house layout.

I believe if you choose to move in/marry someone with children you are choosing them and their children. So when logistically the sc needs outweigh the bio child's needs (as in this case) then that is that.

I could tell from this opening sentence alone that this comment was going to be filled with the kind of wishy washy emotive nonsense devoid of nuance that comments that start this way on MN always are. You've used "children" twice in that sentence, too. Yes, it is normal for adult children to need help into their 20s these days, and that might include not moving out at 18, but that doesn't mean they need to be treated like actual children when they are there. Not being able to afford moving out doesn't mean you actually have the same emotional needs as a 10 year old. DSD and OPs son are different because of their vastly different age, not because she is a step child. Yes, DSDs needs do outweigh her step brothers. She needs to start paying her way or go to uni. She doesn't need a huge bedroom to live in for free. She needs to be grateful she is getting her own bedroom at all.

If you aren't willing to accommodate that fairly then you need to rethink imo

There's nothing unfair about only having a small room to accommodate an adult you are doing the favour of housing so they don't have to get a job in adulthood. It's certainly not unfair when you have also had to move house just to offer them that help. It's absolutely ludicrous to say that is unfair.

I absolutely despair sometimes. I'm in my 20s myself, I'm well aware there is nothing unusual about still needing help from your parents but my god, there is a big difference between a mutual understanding that you may still need help but an acceptance of your responsibility to be working towards independence and gratitude for any help you are receiving in the meantime... and bursting into tears because you are not being treated like a 10 year old by the people who are having to move house just to give you the level of support you need due to YOUR choice to go on a gap year rather than get a job or go away to uni.

I have never heard of ANYONE moving house after a child has turned 18 and giving them their own bedroom in it. She is being ridiculously ungrateful.

This is just an idea, but my friend's mother had a similar property. The mother was disabled and they made the dining room downstairs into a bedroom for her.

This left 2 big bedrooms upstairs and a box room.

In your situation, could be one big room each for DS and DSD and boxroom for DSS.

Doesn't need to be a permanent arrangement.

You mentioned your dss would be living in the garden.Im assuming theres some sort of living quarters there.Would that be big enough for the 2 step kids and leave your ds with the big bedroom and a spare room.

But it is my problem really. I can't say to my husband sorry I'm not moving out of my house to accommodate your children can I?

Well, yes you can. It's HIS children who are causing all this angst. As things stand, YOU are the one making all the sacrifices. Seeing as your adult DSS (and girlfriend presumably) will be occupying your garden (and probably your kitchen and living room etc.), to expect your DS to also sacrifice his room too is too much.

If your DH/DP can't find a solution that works for BOTH of you, then I'd suggest he needs to rethink how he supports his ADULT kids. In the event that they both end up with you, I hope he will be contributing a good deal more than half the mortgage. After all, he'll be three (or even four) adults to your one.

Doesn't sound like you'll get your marriage off to the best of starts with this house.

Also, if you're marrying DP, then presumably you've accepted him, warts, finances and all, so yes, I completely understand why you feel how you do about your DS, but going forward, you and DP have to treat all of your children with equal consideration.

What would DP do to accommodate his children if he wasn't with you? It does seem grossly unfair but I can't see any other way around it.

Also don't think this is the right house for you.

but going forward, you and DP have to treat all of your children with equal consideration.

No they don't!! Minor children should get more consideration than adults!!

@ddraigygoch I don't mean equal outcomes, e.g. adults could pay rent, but what I mean is she can't automatically favour her DS just because he's her son. If they both do that it's got disaster written all over it.

& the gap year & not working, is she just going to lie on her bed in the big room on her laptop ? She cannot do nothing for a whole year. She will be using your only bathroom, she will washing her clothes, be eating the food you pay for.
She can go travelling, or get a job & save up for uni, It's not an option, its part of the deal
Tell both these SC that they will be required to participate to pay for their food/elec/water. OR your H needs to put a lot more than you into the pot

Ok the sd is 18 last year she would have been considered a child. She is not 30. She's an 18 year old dealing with everything in life that an 18 year old needs to deal with. She's presumably had to deal with her parents splitting and a new person being introduced with their child. She's still developing, physically and emotionally. Now she's looking at her mother moving to another country, her dad getting married and moving house and usual life stuff. This isn't unusual but shouldn't be underestimated.
But by all means she should be grateful for the scraps off the ops table while the ops son, who isn't even there half the time, gets the priority.
I'm certainly not spoilt, and have stood on my own 2 feet since I was 18, 5hours away from family. However, in the step daughters shoes I probably would have cried too, because it's a blatant 'you are just not that important in the scheme of things'.
Maybe I'm biased because it was little actions like this that literally drove me to move to the opposite side of the country from my family.
I sure as hell wouldn't be grateful.

Witsendagain

Yes you are very biased. It doesn't matter if she wasn't an adult a year ago, she is now. She is not a dependant anymore. It's perfectly normal to be aware that when you finish school you either need to get a job, go to uni, or be very, very grateful that your parents have offered to pay your way for you. It's nothing to do with "the scraps from the table", that is ridiculously emotive. She is being housed, fed and watered for free at an age where she should be starting to pay her own way. I can see why she would be emotional about the situation, especially with her mum moving abroad, but yes, beyond that she should be very grateful and she should be apologising for her outburst.

Her parents split was not recent. Are we forgetting that OPs son is also a child with separated parents, quite likely more recently, and yet it's being suggested that he should be told he must have the box room throughout the remainder of his childhood so that his adult step sister can live rent free as luxuriously as possible, because his parents are separated so he spends half his time off with his dad? Or is her upset about her parents separating the only thing that is valid? This is NOT a matter of who has had a harder time due to their parents splitting, they are both equal in that regard, it's not even a blended family issue at all, it is purely an issue of who should compromise on bedrooms - a child, or an adult who should by rights have moved out of living there full time in a year, who is being allowed to live there for free until then. She is very lucky the offer is there at all.

Bloody hell, so many folk on this thread who seem to think kids should be drop kicked out of the family home the second they turn 18.