Who gets the biggest room?

[moveandmove]

We are looking to move house soon. There will be 3 bedrooms. 2 are bigger and are the same size as each other. The third is a tiny box room. Could fit a single bed in and a chest of drawers (which is what's in there currently). That room is above the stairs so a bit of the room is taken up by that but you can put stuff on top of it iyswim.

There is me, dp, my ds10 and dp's dd18. Who do you think gets the smallest room?

It sounds like the blending of families is going to be really shit for your son. No wonder you're feeling stressed and resentful.

Your gut is screaming at you to protect your son, go with it.

If she wouldn't "give up " the smaller room gracefully and resorts to tears and tantrums then she won't be a good housemate for you or ds. The elder dss refusing to stand on his own two feet speaks volumes as to where your future is headed if you make this move. This is all being done in the interest of dfiancees dc and without any regard to the best interest for you and ds (who currently has the big room and sets to inherit 100% of your assets should the worst happen. Until you move to the new house and marry- which leaves his current circumstances greatly reduced and future less secured. Sorry to be morbid but as parents these are considerations )

Ok well your last update totally changes things. You shouldn't move. You are massively putting yourself out for two adults that have in different ways chosen not to accept responsibilities that they should have by rights (her by taking a gap year with no job and him by saying he doesn't want to house share), and instead of being grateful one of them bursts into tears at a small bedroom. That is incredibly immature and ungrateful, and if that is her attitude I would be far more reluctant to consider putting myself out in that way for her. The 23 year old as well is being a moocher - he could be 40 before he can afford a mortgage, is he expecting to live rent free in your garden until then?

Just read your up dates I’m crying dsd and dss hedging his bets about not moving out.

Op they will drive you bonkers. These adult kids are not your responsibility. Don’t do it.

I would expect the youngest to get the bigger room and I thought that before I even read your updates about your entitled DP and his adult children. My dsis always got the bigger room as she was younger and had a lot more big toys and needed room to play. I was never jealous, it was just common sense.

After updates, under no circumstances would I choose, or more importantly force my child to move in with this family.

Op you are essentially giving up an awful lot to house and support two young adults - all whilst their parents seem to be free to walk away or relinquish responsibility for them.

Is this really what you want?

And I'm not convinced it's not necessarily that simple to build and house somebody in your garden - where we live the council planners get involved especially once you start needing drains etc. Neighbours might not be thrilled either.

Think very carefully before you get married.

This is really sad, and it's a real shame that the parents of DSS and DAD aren't stepping up. Children of divorced parents do suffer the ramifications years down the line. In a non blended family an 18 year old could reasonably expect to have a roof over their head for a while yet, as could their 22 year old brother, albeit with a rent contribution from the older, working sibling. They both will have suffered emotionally because of the parents separation and divorce, and now they are being expected to be a lot more independent than might otherwise have been the case. I know some people on here might have been completely self supporting from a very young age, but the average expectation is that youngsters will have some family back up while they begin to find their feet.
I think OP is a decent person who is trying to do her best for DPs children, whilst attempting to balance this with her own child's interests. DP and his ex should be taking on more responsibility here, it's looking like they are all becoming OPs responsibility.
OP, have I missed what has happened with both D P and his ex? Why are they not supporting their own children? At best they seem feckless, at worst, using you. Don't let DP have any claim on your the security of you and your son.

My advice - don’t get married! Why would you?

My exP was a complete cocklodger who moved in with me, paid no rent and had his kids round every weekend who I also housed and fed. He made us get life assurance so he’d get a big payout if I died (as I would if he died). He also wanted me to do a will saying he could stay living in my house if I died before my DC inherited. I still half wonder if he was planning to push me down the stairs or something! Sounds like you are in a similar situation. A solicitor friend of mine said I’d be mad to marry him - she was right.

Currently your house is yours, and your son will inherit. He is your priority. If you marry it will presumably become a marital asset? ( I don’t know that but you should check). I prefer the PP idea of remortgaging and giving him back the money for the improvements. I really think that your DS loses out here, as do you.

Deary me, what a shitshow if entitled scroungers!
So your DOs exW moves abroad and leaves her DC albeit adults homeless, nice.
Is DSD still in school or already lounging about unemployed?
Her parents divorced 6 yrs ago but she’s now ‘stressed’ and can’t work or study?
DSS is going to live free to save for a mortgafe?
YOUR DS is to be shunted into a tiny room for a tantrumming brat?
Either find a better house or call off the wedding.

Another vote to rethink the move and probably the relationship as they seem like an entitled bunch.
Follow your instinct OP which is to look after yourself and your DS who is still very young and needs you and to have some continuity, not to be last in line after your DP and his ADULT childrens' needs. Not on.
Repay your DP if needs be, but stay put and protect your investment, dignity and your DS.

Yeah, be very careful RE: garden rooms. I think moving for an 18 year old and 22 year old is bonkers anyway- they'll be gone in a couple of years. It's fair enough to say, 'Sorry, we have no room.'

Dss doesn't want to house share. He doesn't even want to rent really. He wants to live with us and save up for a mortgage.

He's an adult. You don't always get what you want. Most people don't have the option to live with their parents to save up for a mortgage. It would be nice to help him but if you can't, you can't. If you can, he gets whatever room there is once you've sorted your DS and DSD's needs.

Dsd would not gracefully give up the bigger bedroom. We looked at a house a few months ago and she burst into tears when we mentioned my ds having the bigger room

That's not being ungraceful though, it's being upset. I can understand why she might have been upset in the moment. It's not about the room is it? Her mum has just left her to live abroad. Her dad's home (presumably her home part time too) has just been sold and the money from her home has gone into your home to buy a new bathroom and kitchen. Her dad has a new family and she feels like the lowest priority in that family because she is getting the smallest room. She's turned 18 and both her parents have started new lives, possibly leaving her "homeless", at least it probably feels like that to her. Give her the chance to be graceful when she is has had time to think rationally rather than emotionally.

Could the 2 siblings rent a place together if you stay put?

after reading your updates - don't move in with this man until his adult children are actually behaving age-appropriately. Your son is your first priority, not a tantrumming 18 yo or lazy 22 yo who 'does not like house shares'.

We have a similar layout to you OP and the previous owners built a bed over that bit of stairs that cuts into the room. We plan on time to replace this with a built in high sleeper with built in drawers over the cut in bit.

If that was an option for you I'd suggest doing something like that and putting your DS in that room. He'll get more floor space and at 10 will probably quite like the idea of a high sleeper.

Your poor son. I can’t believe you would put the wants (note, I don’t say needs) of these grown adults (who all sound like absolute losers) over what’s best for him. Time for a serious rethink.

Seriously give tour head a wobble and stay put / don't get married.
Pay DP back for the kitchen etc, remortgaging if needed. Then he can help his adult kids get their own place or rent with them. He can then stay over yours as needed without your DS watching his inheritance drain away.

Please listen to everyone on this.

......

You are quite right. It wouldn't be fair on your son to get the box room especially when you are selling your perfectly good house for the 2 of you. Don't be swayed by what your partners children want. They are adults. Tough if they have a tantrum. You have to think of your son and what's fair. She will go to Uni and he could get something else.

My sister moved back in with my mum while she went to uni, she was put in the small room (9x7) and my younger sister kept the big room.

As a teenager, that was my bedroom but i moved out at 17. I had a desk in that room but i always did homework etc on my bed.

I would give your son the big room because he's going to need the space for toys and playing.

I suggest you show your dsd and dp this thread and see if they still want to move with you based on your horrendous attitude to his children's relative status in the family!

Op your are nuts to consider this. All of it is bonkers including the hut in the garden.

The most logical thing is for you to stay in your place.

DP can either rent somewhere for his kids or with his kids. He could even consider But to Let and let to his kids.

I definitely think you need legal advice about protecting your assets before you go any further.

I don’t think you should make this move. Why should your DS suffer to accommodate someone else’s child? And the room size thing is bound to cause bitterness and recrimination.

The dsd is pretty much an adult who could presumably live in student accommodation so this is a really bad idea.

Why is it an horrendous attitude wit?

I wouldn't move until you can accommodate both of them fairly. On the face of it, it makes sense for DSD to have the larger room. But it's also unfair to turf your DS out of his large room into a box room.

@moveandmove
Put your son and your security first. You do not have a horrendous attitude but MN do have a tendency to vilify the SP and infantilise SCs. I notice their own mother is buggering off and leaving her ‘kids’ to get on with it.