Who gets the biggest room?

[moveandmove]

We are looking to move house soon. There will be 3 bedrooms. 2 are bigger and are the same size as each other. The third is a tiny box room. Could fit a single bed in and a chest of drawers (which is what's in there currently). That room is above the stairs so a bit of the room is taken up by that but you can put stuff on top of it iyswim.

There is me, dp, my ds10 and dp's dd18. Who do you think gets the smallest room?

The more you post the more shit this sounds.

And is he aware there are cheaper parts of the country?

You are stressing yourself out trying to make these adults fix their lives. None of this is for you to fix. They all either come to you with a workable solution or you and DS happily keep living in your house.

Is rent £800pcm in a house share? There must be HMOs if it's near a uni. If their mum is moving abroad what is happening to her house and why can't she provide money to help accommodate them?

Okay, so I see why you are biased now, and considering your the higher contributor and it represents a downgrade for your ds, whi is the only child in the scenario, it's understandable.

Presumably dsd is nice. She's kind and thoughtful,, like your dfiance- otherwise you wouldn't be upping sticks and committing you and ds to sharing your home and lives with them for the foreseeable future. Have you spoken to her and explained why you want her to have the box room? My dd 17 would be understanding and accept it gracefully. She's an adult at the end of the day and should be able to have a reasoned discussion. You're not just moving in with dh and his kids- you're moving in to a house share with numerous adults. So talk to them.

Have you found somewhere else yet? Renting or buying? What area are you in?

Ah i see you found yourself a whole family of moochers.

1.Stay where you are and get your dp to rent a house for his adult kids himself.
Move and give your ds the bigger room,while your dp does 1.

They are sounding worse and worse the more you write.Your ds stays halt time with his dad,what happens if he wants to stay more at your place.There will be basically no room for him.

It would have been helpful for you to put all of the information in the first post as initially I was going to say that DSD gets the bigger bedroom and you were unreasonable considering anything else...but now I’ve read everything:

This house doesn’t work for you. I’d either put a pause on it until you can find something more suitable, or explain to DSD that you want to move house so that she can live with you but there’s only a small bedroom (for your budget/area). I think it is showing fairness to your DSD that you are willing to move house so that she can live with you but the compromise is the smaller room, and shoeing fairness to your son that as he has to move house, he gets a bigger bedroom.

Just to clarify. Dp lives in my house that I own. Ds has a room big enough for his requirements currently. I am selling my house to move in with dp so his dd can live with us. It feels like a kick in the teeth to then move ds into a tiny box room when where we are currently he is very happy. I'm only selling my house to accommodate dsd for her to then have the biggest room and pay no rent.

Honestly, OP, you are insane. If you marry this man and take on his children and put their needs before your interests and your son's, you need your head examining.

Remortgage your house and give your partner back the money he's spent on the bathroom. Then tell him the wedding's off, that you can't afford to fund his family.

I feel you are being used by this family, tbh.

Please don't do this or marry into this family. I'd wait until his adult children are self sufficient...

Definitely do not sacrifice your equity and financial independence and your son's happiness in order to accommodate his two adult children.

I commented a couple of times up thread but there is loads of drip feed that woulds have been useful to share. Ultimately This doesn't sound like the right house for you as there is so much more compromise needed from your side of the blended family that your DH. I wouldn't more at all. unless it was to a place with a more equitable distribution of space. Your posts come across that you are already feeling quite resentful of the situation and ultimately this will only get worse and could end your relationship anyway.

Have you considered the option of encouraging the DSS22 getting a room in a house share - surely he can afford that if he is working. Then putting DSD18 into whatever it was that you were going to set up for DSS22 in the garden - thus peace privacy and space to study. alternativley use the garden space as an office for DD to study in but simply sleep in the smaller room then DS10 gets the big room

Dss doesn't want to house share. He doesn't even want to rent really. He wants to live with us and save up for a mortgage.
Dsd would not gracefully give up the bigger bedroom. We looked at a house a few months ago and she burst into tears when we mentioned my ds having the bigger room.

I would stay where you are. Look at some kind of insulated garden rooms for DSD and DSS. Keep your house.

I actually think that the dp should be helping his young adult children with housing. The oldest definitely shouldn’t be pressured to move in with a romantic partner before he is ready.

But there are lots of ways to make this work for everyone and the current plan doesn’t really seem to work for anyone.

Dss doesn't want to house share. He doesn't even want to rent really. He wants to live with us and save up for a mortgage.

Ahhhh poor baby. Guess he needs to present himself to the council has homeless.

Dsd would not gracefully give up the bigger bedroom. We looked at a house a few months ago and she burst into tears when we mentioned my ds having the bigger room.

Then she needs to fill out the student loan paperwork, get a job and apply for student accommodation.

You had one child! You've got another decade before you have to worry about all of this!!! Disengage!!

It makes me sad for you and your DS that the parents of your DSC have made all of their responsibilities your problem, DSC's mum is fucking off abroad absolving herself of any responsibility for her DC. Your DP can't afford to buy a house, so suddenly you have found yourself in a situation where you are being made to feel obligated to house two adult children, which involves you having to sell up and pay for a bigger house, some sort of conversion in the garden, and at the same time you are being made to feel as if your actual DS is the bottom of the pecking order and the least important person in this scenario. And because MN hates stepparents this attitude will only be reinforced on here. Fuck that shit. These young adults are not your responsibility! They are their own parent's responsibility and actually as they are adults they need to own some responsibility for themselves too. Where is your DP's responsibility towards your DS? A child? Or is your DS the forgotten man and it's all about his own DC? Don't move.

Will she be working and paying rent during her gap year?
His ch seem quite entitled, a free garden room and the biggest room. Surely they should be grateful for free accommodation with their dad not contributing to the equity equally.

Ds big room
Dsd garden room
Dss box room or get a bloody flat share

Dsd would not gracefully give up the bigger bedroom. We looked at a house a few months ago and she burst into tears when we mentioned my ds having the bigger room.

That says it all.You will have no end of trouble,i can see it now.Your dp needs to sort out something for his adult children.Not disrupt your child.

You could stay where you are and dh can fund a flat share for them, no?

Would agree then with the suggestion above that DSD has the garden room, DS has the bigger room and DSD has box room - and if he doesn't like it then he needs to move out.

Moving costs money. I would talk to DSS. I would explain what you are doing for HER. That you are willing to spend all the money into getting another home, making into a comfortable home etc so that she has a room. Albeit a small room.
I personally never spend any time in my bedroom except to sleep. I would offer to put a desk in there and a small bookshelf and tell her she can study in there anytime between 8am-9pm or whatever.

I would usually argue to accommodate young adult step kids. However I do think this new living arrangement really disadvantages you and your son.

If you divorce would you be protected?

Hold off for a few years. Keep your house where your son is settled. Let your fiancé sort out a living arrangement that works for him and his children.

Not only are they moochers they are entitled grabby moochers.

Doesn’t want to house share or rent! Tough.

Cries at the smaller bedroom? Tough.

Please rethink the whole thing OP. You’ll grow to resent all of this very quickly and then it’ll be too late.

DON’T be a walkover.

You're going to be landed with two young adults who will not earn their keep and will not be looking ever to move out, if you're not careful. And in 2028 your DS will be off to uni as fast as he can to get away from the box room he's spent his teenage years in, while your DSS and DSD continue to say they aren't earning enough for their own place yet and aren't ready to move out. That's the future.

How did all this get decided? How long have you and your partner been together?

I'd rethink the whole thing. To be honest at this point I'd tell dp he could move out and sort housing for himself and his children.