Who gets the biggest room?

[moveandmove]

We are looking to move house soon. There will be 3 bedrooms. 2 are bigger and are the same size as each other. The third is a tiny box room. Could fit a single bed in and a chest of drawers (which is what's in there currently). That room is above the stairs so a bit of the room is taken up by that but you can put stuff on top of it iyswim.

There is me, dp, my ds10 and dp's dd18. Who do you think gets the smallest room?

I can't imagine that building proper living quarters in the garden is cheaper than temporarily helping the step-kids' with rent in a house-share.

And again, what is DSD planning to do with her gap year? Sit and watch TV? If her father is happy to support this, fine - but your son should not suffer because of this.

Dss doesn't want to house share. He doesn't even want to rent really. He wants to live with us and save up for a mortgage.

And he's going to afford a mortgage on minimum wage?

You can look forward to him living in the garden for years to come, I suspect.

I wouldn't sell up and move. And if I were you I wouldn't marry your DP either. It doesn't sound promising at all.

Your DSD should have it, anything else is just not right Imo.

The 18 year old gets the bigger room over the 10yo, no question. She isn't likely to stick around for long. That applies for as long as she's in full time education, work or training for work. And once she's earning she should pay some board, though not the full cost, to begin to help her budget.

If she isn't working, I'd give her 3 months or so actively to seek employment and if she doesn't bother, demote her to the boxroom. She'll be less comfortable lolling about there. I'm sure she has greater plans for her life, though!

It's such a shame that UK houses are built this way, though. The 3rd or 4th bedrooms are always really measly. There was great rejoicing in our house when DD1 left for uni and DD2 got promoted to her much bigger bedroom at last. DS stayed where he was, we did room size purely by age up to that point as there's no other fair way. If their three rooms has been of roughly equal size instead of two reasonable and one mean, it woukd have helped family harmony enormously.

OP are you still here? It would be really useful if you could answer some of the questions like what your SD is planning on doing during her gap year, and what the plan is for SS's garden shed, because it really doesn't sound cost effective.

OP did a big drip feed over a short period of time and hasn't been back in over 36 hours. What are you expecting to hear from her?

I would stay put until you find somewhere better.

We have 3 adult dc and one school age. What no one on this thread is recognising, is the fact that adult dc boomerang back and forth. Not because they are freeloaders, but it is still their home. It’s perfectly viable to live at home and save for a mortgage. It’s often the ONLY way to save for one.

They don’t just leave at 18 and not come back! One came back for a year at 22. One came back for 2 years at 28 whilst doing a PhD. One boomeranged back and forth and finally went at 26.

Salaries are basically crap, and rents are high. All those people on here going on about adult dc leaving obviously don’t have adult dc.

As a parent you still love them and want to help them as much as possible. They still need emotional support. And l wouldn’t class an 18 year old as a full adult. I teach in a secondary school. The 6th form are subject to exactly the same safeguarding rules as the younger children. So someone can leave school at 18, still regarded as a child, and then 2 months later morphed into a fully functioning adult? It’s just not like that these days.

Having said that, the father needs to step up and pay towards decent accommodation/housing for his own dc. You are being taken for a ride l feel.

Good grief. Not a chance that I'd be moving or getting married given this scenario.

However, on the assumption that you're determined to go ahead with it, this would be my solution:

DS gets the big bedroom.
DSD gets a job to fund her gap year and the little bedroom to use when she's mot travelling or whatever she plans to do, then applies for university accommodation and loans like every other teenager out there.
DSD gets off his backside and finds a house share.

You stop viewing DP through rose-tinted specs and wake up to the fact that to him, you are the gift that keeps on financially giving...

They don’t just leave at 18 and not come back!

I did. Apart from the occasional fifty quid on birthdays, I have been financially independent of my parents since I left home at 18 to go to university.

@Doyoumind I know she did, that's why I wondered if she was coming back. There have been a lot of the same questions coming up again and again on this thread - such as how the plan to completely build a living space for her SS in the garden could be more cost effective than just finding a better house, and what SD is planning on doing during her gap year; working, travelling (presumably not if she wants the bedroom) or sitting around.

It would be great to know the answers.

DSD gets the bigger room. She’s the one there full time.

And so did l. I left home at 18 to go to university too, and never went back.

But that is not really the trajectory of young adults today. Low salaries, student loans, high rents and house prices mean they often have no choice

His children aren’t children though are they, they are adults.

It’s unfortunate that their mum is moving away and so they need somewhere to live but I think moving your DS out of his home to live in a box room
to accommodate 2 adults that don’t contribute financially is insane.

I think you have several options;

1. DSS and DSD get jobs and make a financial contribution allowing you to get a bigger house with 4 bedrooms.

2. DSD and DSS get jobs and rent a small property together. DSD can stay there when at uni and use her student loan for the rent like every other student has to. They could take on a lodger if needed to help contribute and maybe your DP could help them out with their rent for the first few months while they get settled if he really feels a need to house them.

3. You and DS stay where you are and your DP gets his own house with his children.

Sounds like it's the wrong house for you. Change your mind about it. Look for somewhere where you can add a conservatory, extend or do loft to add play space/extra bedroom.

Or consider drawing lots for rooms which will rotate from then on a regular basis, e.g. every one or two years, it would be a faff but it will be fair, I also liked the suggestion of DSD in the garden room and the 22 year old in the box room. Beggars can't be choosers.

Where does your DP live now?
To be honest, DON'T let either children move in, you will hate it.
You become a slave to 4 people.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

Nobody is saying that an 18 year old should be fully financially independent and ready to move out, but they should be contributing or working towards that in some way. So either studying or working. It's disingenuous to say the reason she can't afford to live somewhere else is because wages are low and rents are high, when really she can't afford it because she isn't doing anything to work towards the goal of being able to afford it.

Nobody is saying that an 18 year old should be fully financially independent and ready to move out, but they should be contributing or working towards that in some way. So either studying or working.

If DSD is having a gap year next year before applying to university then presumably she is still at school/college at the moment?

@Comefromaway ok I should have clarified, she isn't planning on doing anything to work towards it during her gap year, as far as we know.

I wouldn't accept that from my own dd never mind anyone else's. She needs to get some kind of job if she is taking a gap year.

Me neither, and tbh my main regret from this time in my life is not working and I wish my parents had encouraged it more. I have an arts degree and it has been really tough to get a decent job since graduating without that experience. The truth is that yes, it is harder to get a well paid job than it used to be and that might result in young adults having to stay at home longer, but that is all the more reason for them to start building up experience through part time jobs. It will greatly improve their quality of life, as well as teaching them the necessary lessons in responsibility and maturity that so many on this thread are arguing 18 year olds don't naturally have.

I think you need to chat with your DP.
His children seem to need him to be there for a few years.
If you move in the person who will suffer is your son. Please put him first.
Also for uni, your income is classed as household income, so his DD would need to be funded by both of you.
Both children will expect daddy to pay all the bills, so yet again it will impact your son.
You will lose tax credits, more loss.
Just be so careful your son does not lose quality time and holidays .