Who gets the biggest room?

[moveandmove]

We are looking to move house soon. There will be 3 bedrooms. 2 are bigger and are the same size as each other. The third is a tiny box room. Could fit a single bed in and a chest of drawers (which is what's in there currently). That room is above the stairs so a bit of the room is taken up by that but you can put stuff on top of it iyswim.

There is me, dp, my ds10 and dp's dd18. Who do you think gets the smallest room?

No. Not dropped out. But definitely becoming functional members of society.

jellycat I don't think that at all, but I do think that if you are still being allowed to stay at that point you need to be grateful and behave respectfully (ie. like an adult guest would - no childish bad behaviour or mess etc) and you need to understand that if your parents don't happen to have the means and funds to continue housing you for free, then it's not an option and you need to fend for yourself, which you are capable of doing.

I wouldn't buy a house with a box room like that. We specifically bought a house with a slightly smaller master bedroom so the kids could have roughly equal sized rooms. Dd is now 17 and ds 15.

However we are now moving again but to a house with more bedrooms. Even though dd is away at college a lot of the time though, ds offered for her to have the biggest bedroom if he could have two smaller rooms (one to sleep in and one for his music studio). Unless we were all having to downsize there is no way I would expect either of them to have to have a smaller room than they have at present. It's their home and the move is difficult for dd (asd doesn't like change)

Your updates change everything - you are expecting your son to give up a large room to move in with your DP who seems to bring nothing to the table apart from a DSD who wants the biggest room and a DSS who wants to live in a flat in the garden.

You have 3 choices:

1. Go through with it and agree that DSD has the bigger room causing your DS to wonder what on earth he is getting from this and feel increasingly frustrated

2. Let your DS have the bigger room and cope with an 18 year old feeling increasingly frustrated

3. not do it

4. seems to be the only option you have at the moment - he is not offering anything to the move but seems to be gaining everything

Is there the potential to extend your current house? Loft conversion and maybe a downstairs extension could give you the two extra rooms.

I wouldn’t sell my house and move in with your DP, his DD and his DS living in the garden if I were you.

Your DS would go from one bedroom and one box room to two box rooms - no real bedroom anywhere. You will resent your DP and his children as will tour son.

I wouldn’t want someone living in my garden - presumably using the communal spaces?

You’ll be living with two adults not contributing - I assume your DP will be paying half of everything though?

You’re the one buying the house and it’s your son shoved to the side.

If you were my friend or sister I would be so worried about you and your DS in this situation.

I think any adult’s first duty is to their own children. It is totally unreasonable to deprioritise one’s own child and although many ‘cool’ parents will say it is the right thing, there are very few who would relegate their 10 year old to a box room to give an 18 year old gap year student, who is not their own daughter, a nice big room.

Secondly, an 18 year old could work and rent for a year (maybe with a bit of help) if she was desperate for a large room, and move into digs while at uni in term time. 10 year olds don’t have that option.

As to the lazy 22 year old, you have zero obligation to him,

If parents happen to have a lovely big house. It is great to continue to give adult children a room to come back to. However, if you cannot afford one, adults are old enough to understand and compromise.

jellycat I don't think that at all, but I do think that if you are still being allowed to stay at that point you need to be grateful and behave respectfully (ie. like an adult guest would
I guess I don’t consider my children to be guests in my home - and don’t envisage that changing when they turn 18. While she isn’t the OPs child, she’s marrying her dad and I’d expect any house to accommodate all of the people who need accommodation. I’d also expect the 18 year old to be usefully occupied during her gap year and contribute to the household but I wouldn’t expect her to behave like, or be treated as a guest.

The 22 year old is slightly different in that he could afford to live elsewhere but wants to save - we don’t all get that choice and I certainly wouldn’t be building somewhere at my cost so that he could save.

If I couldn’t resolve all this with my partner I wouldn’t be moving house and getting married.

Maybe I shouldn't move at all.

I can't say to my husband sorry I'm not moving out of my house to accommodate your children can I

Sounds like an argument in favour of not getting married / living together as a blended family until your son is older.

The alternative is, as you describe, a tad hard on your DS. You can't have your DP as a DH without considering his children.

jellycatspyjamas

I think people have a tendency to treat "guest" like it's a dirty word, when it really doesn't need to be. Since leaving to go to uni I have absolutely been a guest in my parents home, just a very welcome one. That's not a bad thing. When my sister left, I moved into her room because I was previously (shock horror) in a box room, when I left, that room became the guest room, that I would also stay in when I came back, and she would stay in at different times.

In any case, I didn't say that she was a guest, but that I would expect her to behave as respectfully as a guest. That's just the nature of living in somebody else's home that they are paying for as an adult who isn't contributing. Your parents are no longer solely responsible for you and obligated to look after you regardless of your behaviour, so you have to behave accordingly and show some respect. So good manners, helpful with chores and not inconveniencing people with bad habits like excessive mess.

Also, about expecting the house to accommodate her, if my parents were to have moved at that time, I certainly wouldn't have expected them to have given me a bedroom that was "mine", because I would have understood that on a practical level the arrangement was short term so it wouldn't make sense for them to choose a house they would be living in for decades to suit my temporary housing needs. I would have just stayed in whatever bedroom was available.

God no OP, it's a terrible idea! Stay where you are, you have your own home and secutiry for you and your son. You'll live with resentment if you move. You can pay DP back for the kitchen etc if needs be, you aren't responsible for housing 2 other adults and I really don't think living in a insulated shed in the garden is going to work. It's just not going to work... Don't put yourself and your son in this position.

Also if he is spending half the time at his Dads if you do this and give him the box room and he is living with an 18 and 22 year old you do have to face up to the realistic prospect he may want to change the 50/50 element

It does sound like an enormous amount of change for everyone.

-the wedding
-new house
-family of 3 to family of 5
-dsd’s mum leaving
-DSs semi vagrant in garden (no plumbing?!)

Is there anyway any of these changes could be staggered. Each person is going to be dealing with so much and you’ll all be stuffed in together, moving is stressful enough as is.

I’m not surprised she cried tbh. She’s losing her mum and probably a bit wobbly about the next bit, rather than it bring a sign she’s some entitled diva. You haven’t mentioned your DS’s emotions about it though?

I’m not surprised your dsd cried but at the same time what happened when your ds was told he would have the smallest room? Did he cry or did he talk to you about how upset he was or is he bottling up his feelings? They both have a reason to feel entitled to the bigger room and that the smaller room represents a kick in the teeth so whatever you do someone is hurt.

Your current house - is there space to put a shed/garden room in for the step dc? Then your ds wouldn’t need to move anywhere.

Or in the new house, rather than have a shed in the garden for dss, give dss and dsd the biggest room, put a partition up so they have enough privacy to get changed but not to have partners staying over (which reminds me are the step dc expecting double beds and to be able to have partners to stay? So there might be 7 people staying overnight - is there enough loo / bathroom space to cope with everybody needing to get to work/school in the morning?)

I digress - I would make the step dc share - at least initially - so that it’s not great for either of them and then every child has similarly limited bedroom space. Then the little garden shed can be used by all of them as a quiet space or play space etc as and when needed. And if dss has a long term gf then it will encourage him to spend more time at gf’s house so dsd will have more alone time in the room to study but isn’t going to have space for big luxury bed that will make your ds feel second class.

She cried at the possibility of her having the small bedroom. Sod all to do with the changes and more to do with her wanting her own way, like being able to move into a place, forcing her not-quite step mum and step brother to move to accommodate her whilst taking a year out and doing and paying nothing, as an adult! Sod this for a game of soldiers. Why is her mum moving abroad and quite happy to let her DD become homeless?

Have you thought or discussed with DP about the cost increase in bills and food etc? Will his DS be contributing to the bills and food? Will you end up paying for it all?

the thing with your DSD sounds awful but it is her parents responsibility and hers to house her and it should be at the expense of your son.

If you cant afford to have a good sized 3 bedroom house together you shouldnt do it

If you can't afford a bigger house then you may need to accommodate both as a PP suggested, by making large bedroom and tiny bedroom neutral and having them switch around every six months or whatever. Or, as another PP suggested, convert the second reception room into a bedroom, unless it's already been knocked through to make a large kitchen diner.

A garden room... we have one of those, we needed a "home office" for DH to work from to get all his crap out the house. An insulated building the size you would need is NOT CHEAP. You also need to construct a solid base and add another circuit to your distribution board to run electricity out to it. They take a lot of heating, even with the insulation and double glazing. If you wanted to plumb it for a water supply, it would cost much more. Drains would have to be dug and installed. Realistically, you would be better off looking for another house that either has an additional bedroom or has the capacity to have a room adapted. A garden room is doable if you have the spare cash (and lots of it, if someone is to sleep comfortably in it overwinter) to make it feasible, but I suspect you don't.

However I assume you've looked at all the houses in your area and know what you can afford.

I think we'd be hard pressed to find a house with 3 equal sized bedrooms.

There are plenty around. My house (that I'm selling!) for example. It's a 3 bed detached, the master bedroom is the biggest and has an ensuite then the two kids bedrooms are almost equal sizes (one is slightly wider, one is slightly longer). The builder (Persimmon) built loads in that style on various different sites.

It doesn't sound like the house is suitable. You really need one with more evenly sized rooms. If you have to choose the eldest should get the bigger room, then the youngest will gets a go later.

When

So would you move the Xbox into the living room?
You're joking? It should be there anyway for a 10 year old!

The 10 yr old can't have friends over more than once or twice a week surely? Xbox in lounge, kids in there, problem solved. He gets small room, dsd gets big room and dss gets garden shed until he moves out. Then work with him on a strategy for getting his own place / earning enough to pay for rent in a shared place.

@MyOtherProfile but why should her DS lose a decent sized room and have to live with two adults?
The Step children are old enough to source their own housing. And they aren't the OPs problem. Their mother and father need to come together and discuss their living arrangements with them. Which may include sucking it up in a box room.

Absolutely the xbox should be in the lounge/family room anyway.

I do feel very sorry for the SD. My dd is 18, she is doing her A levels this year. It's stressful. This poor girl is all but losing her mother and her home.

The house is NOT suitable you need to look elsewhere.

Incidentally have you looked into the issue of garden rooms. Most areas have conditions that they can be built only if no-one will be sleeping in them. We are looking to get an insulated one built as a music studio. It will cost about 20k to do.