Who gets the biggest room?

[moveandmove]

We are looking to move house soon. There will be 3 bedrooms. 2 are bigger and are the same size as each other. The third is a tiny box room. Could fit a single bed in and a chest of drawers (which is what's in there currently). That room is above the stairs so a bit of the room is taken up by that but you can put stuff on top of it iyswim.

There is me, dp, my ds10 and dp's dd18. Who do you think gets the smallest room?

@Witsendagain I guess they can spurn OP's efforts and take up all those better offers they have then, eh? Or wait for their dad to sort something out for them off his own bat. OP Isn't the villain here.

My ds no way would get the smaller room sorry

Your son gets the smallest room .

I’ve caught up with the drip feeds . In your situation I’d stay in my own home tbh .

Op tell us more about your partner.

I think if you had put the later information in your OP, this thread might have gone differently ! I am sorry your DSD has anxiety however what exactly is she planning to do for her Gap year ?
As others have said , I think you need to rethink your plans otherwise you are going to have DSD and DSS with you fur a long time !
If you go ahead , your DS gets the big room .

This all sounds like a terrible plan!!! What exactly are you and your DS getting out of this move?

I think you are being a mug.

I never wanted to live in a bedsit, I did and it was fine.

I'd like to live with some else paying my bills, my husband does as I'm not well. No one else, and no one else should.

You are giving up a lot of your security, and your sons, to support 2 people who aren't willing to support themselves. Don't be a mug.

It's not a popular view (and it sounds like your smallest room wouldn't be suitable) but DH and I have the smallest room - DS has so many guitars needs room to study and spends far more time in his room than we do.
The sad fact of the matter is that all we do in our room now is sleep

Step daughter gets the bigger room for now.

I know a married couple who took the smallest room and had bunk beds so that their kids could both have a larger bedroom. 😄

Your SC sound like spoilt brats. Why the hell is your son making all the compromises whilst they each get exactly what they want. Neither will be moving on any time soon. DSD gets a job and a house share for her gap year then goes to halls, DSS gets a houre share as there is no room for him. Your actual child who is being forced to move and give up his big room gets the big room in his new house. Otherwise he'll be off to his dads full time or move out as soon as he can because your spoilt adult SC were put before him.

I think you need to be looking at a different house.

You and DP in bunk beds in smaller room. Sorted.

You and DP in bunk beds in smaller room. Sorted.

It's ridiculous for two married adults to share a box room so that individual children who could actually fit in there can have a larger room, especially when one of those individuals is a non rent paying adult.

I wouldn't sell my house and security in your situation. Forget about the bathroom and kitchen he's installed for you.
Would you not consider putting the wedding off for a couple of years? It all seems a bit messy really and your priority is your DS.
What about your DP renting somewhere for him and his 2 children, and you continue to be partners in 2 separate homes?

Drip feed central.

Start a new thread with all the facts in the opening post.

Hmm,

I agree with the others that you need to find a different house. Or a different way of doing things. Something that works for the whole family. Or don't get married.

From your posts, I hear a lot about how it's your house, you've got more equity, your son's needs etc... but I do think you need to be thinking much more as a couple. Isn't marriage supposed to be a Partnership. "What's mine is yours" and all that. If you're going into the marriage with this attitude, then I do wonder whether you need to consider whether marriage is right at all.

Whilst you've said you're putting more equity into the deposit, how much is your dh paying on the mortgage? Are you moving from a large two bed to a three bed? How much will you and he be paying towards the mortgage? If you earn more than him and will be paying more than him, then maybe you've got a point, but If he earns more than you, and will be paying more than you, then your argument that you paid more deposit is somewhat negated.

I also get the vibe that perhaps you don't like your dsd much. You said things like she says she has got anxiety. Well has she or hasn't she? Because if she has, then I think you're being pretty mean casting doubt on that. It can be crippling and should be taken into consideration. It sounds like she's still at school / college, with the prospect of being thrown out of her home at 18... mum going abroad, that's a lot for a teenager to have to cope with whilst doing her A Levels. And from her perspective, losing her home, her room, her security to move into a tiny box room, whilst the big bedroom sits empty half the week is harsh to take. I really think you need to try and see it from her perspective too.

Clearly this isn't the house that's going to work for you. But could you look at alternatives? If you can't afford a four bed, can you rejig the walls upstairs to make the rooms a more even size? Can you find a cheaper house and get your DP to do an attic or garage conversion to create that bigger bedroom?

My daughter's bedroom is in the garage conversion, to avoid her having the box room. Once she moves out, we'll turn it into a study.

You're becoming a new family and I really do think you need to find a solution that works for you all as a family. Going ahead with this house sounds like it will only cause anger and resentment from whichever side loses out.

I’d definitely be prioritising my own son in this situation. I’d also be very concerned about risking your equity in a new joint purchase. You at least need to buy it as tenants in common taking into account the deposit you’ll be paying.
Also how on earth does your step son think he’s going to be able to save to buy a house on minimum wage in an area where rent is 800pcm. I think he’s living in dream land and you’ll be stuck with him for good, or until he finds a different female to fund the roof over his head.

• DSD in the garden, get a job and pay a tiny amount of rent, just to get her used to real world DS get bigger room DSS to get box room if he want to live with you as an adult, and if he doesn't like it then he should rent somewhere else.*

Perfect solution!!!

22 year old shouldn't be staying with you anyway!!!

Another one that thinks that you shouldn't be accommodating the DSD and DSS - they need to enter the real world. Stay put or find another house that meets everyone's needs - you need to be charging the 18yr old and 22yr old rent. I had a year out before uni, got an office job and paid my parents rent.

Can’t you look at other houses? When we were looking at houses, even before we had kids we ruled out those where one of the bedrooms was like that. Such a bad design. For the same money we got one where the second and third bedrooms were about the same size. They’re not huge rooms, but not tiny box rooms either.

I believe that if you choose to move in/marry someone with children you are choosing them and their children. So when logistically the sc needs outweigh the bio child's needs (as in this case) then that is that. If you want a greater share of the house to reflect what you are putting in have a legal document written up, don't punish your step child. If the house isn't suitable don't move. If the move isn't strictly necessary and isn't what's best for your child don't move. You are choosing to put your wants (to marry and buy a house with your dp) at the forefront here and as a result you are treating his children as second class citizens in what should be their own home.
That kind of favouritism has no place in a blended family. If, as someone's partner, I'd read posts such as the ones you've put I wouldn't be continuing in a relationship with you as I could never rely on you to protect my children's rights.
You must have suspected in today's financial climate that you'd have at least one, if not both, of your step children spending significant time with you well into their 20s. If you aren't willing to accommodate that fairly then you need to rethink imo.
The same applies to your partner, if by moving with you he can't provide for the needs of his children without being fair to your child he shouldn't be making that move.

I think you should reconsider the whole arrangement. If needs be, repay your dp what he has put into your house. It seems like you and your child are giving up a lot for 3 people who between them choose to be able not to house themselves. That's a bit harsh on the 18 year old but your dp and the 22 year old certainly can.