Homophobia alert. A middle aged woman said this to me today about her adult grandson. It’s not ok, is it ?

[Shortfeet]

‘I’m so happy for my grandson .
He’s got his ideal job.
And he’s not gay!
I’ve nothing against them , I just wouldn’t want it for one of my own “ .

I was speechless l and somewhat upset when I stopped to consider what she had just said.

Discuss

And no people aren’t entitled to think what they like. They’re certainly not entitled to voice racist or homophobic views either

I'm a lesbian and there'a no proof we are born with an inbuilt sexuality from birth. There is no substantial proof of "gay genes".

Not entitled to share those views either as thry will offend, cause upset, damage and spread negativity.

Sorry my reply above should be in respinse to the quotation "he was born this way"

People are entitled to have, and express any views they please, actually; however abhorrent they may seem to you.
You are free to respond as you choose.

Not necessarily there are laws to protect against homophobic hostility which can be described as a hate crime. In schools and most work places you most certainly not free to express homophobic or racist views.

I'm sure we all think things that are better not said out loud. The policeman in her head was obviously off duty.

@Spider7 - exactly. Glad you understood what I was saying.

@AskAga1n I'm not disagreeing with you. I worked with adults with down syndrome for a few years, so I am well aware of how they feel when they see and hear people talking about aborting an unborn child with their characteristic. It is horrible.

My point was that INMHO compared to aborting an unborn homosexual child simply stating a preference that they would not prefer to have a gay grandson is fine.

Heck, I know lots of people that would prefer not to have gay/trans/ADHD/disabled/genetically obese children for no other reason than they want their child to have a relatively normal and easy life. What is so hard to understand about that?

As others have pointed out, gay people face tons of really shit challenges in life, discrimination, violence, hatred. It sucks. As a parent there is always a balance to be struck between helping make the type of world we want our children to grow up in and also living and coping with the world as it actually is.

I can totally understand why some people would not want to have a gay child - because of how shit the world is. Higher risk of mental illness, violence, discrimination - who would want that for their child? So I get why some people would rather NOT have such a child, the same way some people give up disabled children for adoption, or terminate pregnancies based on gender... they know what they can or can't cope with.

I'm not saying I agree with it, I am saying that is the way the world is. If I had a choice between an elderly relative express her views about preferring not to have a gay grandson or a sibling terminate a pregnancy because it 'tested gay' or disowning or throwing out a child once they came out, I'd take the comments every day. Compared to that type of conduct, the comments are 'fine'.

The world does not embrace homosexuality.

it is fine for people to think and say these things, but not to act out on them.

Gay people do lead normal lives.

My son isn’t going to have a shit life because he’s gay. The whole world isn’t intolerant just a minority which is why such nasty views as shown by the grandmother in the op needs to be dealt with and would be if voiced in many environments.

His grandparents would never and have never held such views because they are ridiculous. My son is a bright, lovely boy with a loving supportive family who will go far and has more than many in life. I refuse to drag his life down and view it negatively because of negativity from a few.

And as for choosing between nasty views and abortion who says society needs to tolerate either?It doesn’t.

Mine are only tiny but I'll be honest I don't "want" it for them because the world is still so rife with homophobia and life is already hard enough. Of course if they were I'd be loving and accepting but I would worry so so much for them and the discrimination they'll undoubtedly experience.

Well I hope for their sakes you keep your feelings to yourself until you do know. The last thing any gay child needs is negativity and a pity party about their sexuality. Being made to fear being gay.

I’m guessing you have the same views about skin colour too.

How sad the gay and black community have so much negativity and apparently need to be sad about who they are. I can honestly say sadness didn’t enter my head on being told my son was gay. I seriously couldn’t give a shit who he loves as long as they’re kind to him.He is who he is and is a very lucky boy in the lottery of life.Picking up on “sad feelings“ would have been disastrous and made him feel crap about himself before he even ventured out into the world as a gay teen.

This idea that the grandma was worried about his happiness is disingenuous as the context shows that she was almost certainly just being a bigot based on the “Ive got nothing against them”.

I feel the same AskAga1n the thought that being gay disadvantages my ds has never entered his or our heads. It never will, because it won’t. It’s such a shame so many people are disadvantaged by their own narrow minded views.

she was almost certainly just being a bigot based on the “Ive got nothing against them”.
Yes, as in 'I'm not racist but ….'.

This thread has made me angry ! It’s all very well those who are not homophobic asserting that they or someone they love being gay will not make one bit of difference either to them or to the loved one.
It bloody will !
Society remains homophobic.
From gay couples never holding hands in public right through to being assaulted/murdered for being gay - all of which occur here in the U.K. - we can’t wish societal homophobia away.

we can’t wish societal homophobia away.
No, but we can support those who are and not let them feel like second best or someone to be pitied. Society has moved on in my lifetime, homosexuality being legalised, gay marriage being legalised, but still has a long way to go. That will not be achieved without support from us all until it becomes completely normalised and makes no difference to anyone.

I find it bizarre that people are effectively saying 'oh, I'm so glad my child isn't gay - I've nothing against homosexuals but some other mean people don't like them' - how is that not homophobic?

Saying 'oh, I'm just stating a fact because statistically there are lots of homophobic people out there' doesn't make this comment any less homophobic - it just reinforces the homophobia.

OP, are you going to come back and rescue your thread which, predictably given your order to 'discuss', has descended into a celebration of homophobic apology, or was this what you intended to achieve?

I find it bizarre that people are effectively saying 'oh, I'm so glad my child isn't gay - I've nothing against homosexuals but some other mean people don't like them' - how is that not homophobic?

I'm glad my child isn't ginger, because I've seen (and, to a lesser extent) experienced some of the bullying that can go on if that's the case. I am not gingerphobic, I was ginger at school, but I wanted my kid to have an easier life. Would I have disowned my kid if they were ginger? No, obviously not. It wouldn't have affected how I feel about them one iota. Doi secretly hate ginger people? No.

Yes, that people feel this way is a sad indicator of the level of discrimination and difficulty that gay people face in some sectors of society and no, it's not justifiable that some gay people find such a negative response to coming out and yes, it shouldn't be said. But, it can be thought without the thinker being homophobic.

No it can’t and as for not wanting your child to have ginger hair. I focused on hoping my child would be healthy and happy. I’m staggered some really worry about such trivial things such as hair colour and sexuality when thinking about children.

Those thoughts are appallingly negative and feeds homophobia.

I focused on hoping my child would be healthy and happy. I’m staggered some really worry about such trivial things such as hair colour and sexuality when thinking about children.

I didn't worry about it per se. But when hair colour became obvious (born bald) a small part of me was pleased to see that my DC wasn't going to suffer the same sort of bullying I (and other ginger peers, particularly the boys) did. Lucky you if you've never experienced it. Check your privilege.

I also, if I'm honest, would prefer DC to have my eyesight (DH's is awful), DH's teeth (mine needed corrective braces), my memory, DH's skill at problem solving...

There's a difference between an idealised notion of what would be best for your DC and rejecting your DC once they're here.

Ohhh perlease “check your privilege”. Right back at you. I had bullying from being the continual new girl NHS glasses and a brace, I’m not so self absorbed to see that in the scheme of things it’s not quite up there with many other things and certainly not enough to feel sad about a child being born with similar.

Since when did parents get sad about and wish away being slightly different. You continue the bullying make it worse. It says more about you and not your child.

My DBro is gay (I found out by accident about 5 years ago.) He's not 'come out' to the rest of the family but that's his choice.

You can't stop people having their own thoughts and opinions on things no matter how much you disagree with them.

No but you can stop them being voiced and inducing damage which is why there are laws and restrictions concerning language, hostility and prejudice.

Since when did parents get sad about and wish away being slightly different.

When did I say that I got sad about the above or wished it were different? Just that, if creating a list of attributes I think would be advantageous to my unborn DC, ginger wouldn't be on it. I also don't bully people or think they're inferior for their attributes. But I'm aware that others do. It's like on the baby names forum, when people say that a child named Fanny might get teased and so they will not name their child that, rather than hope that the world becomes a nicer place in the intervening years before their kid hits school. Generally, parents hope for a healthy, happy life for their DC. No one wants their kids bullied.

Oh, and bullying absolutely is a huge issue. One of my friends (different school, sadly) leads a very limited adult life because of her anxiety, related to her school experiences. She also failed to get any qualifications because she bunked off to avoid seeing the bullies. It's great that it wasn't 'quite up there' for you.

I was bullied my son has suffered homophobic bullying he has needed counselling for. I am still not sad and never will be that he is gay.

The vast majority of people are not homophobic and would never bully a child for sexuality,hair, skin colour, glasses or anything else.

I refuse to feel sad about my son’s sexuality because of an unpleasant minority. I certainly don’t want him to ever feel the same either, to go through life feeling he should feel shit, sad or less than because of his sexuality. No thanks. You embrace everybody’s differences and ensure we live in a society where prejudice, hostility and negativity for not being the majority isn’t tolerated.