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Original poster

Homophobia alert. A middle aged woman said this to me today about her adult grandson. It’s not ok, is it ?

238 replies

Shortfeet · 18/02/2020 19:17

‘I’m so happy for my grandson .
He’s got his ideal job.
And he’s not gay!
I’ve nothing against them , I just wouldn’t want it for one of my own “ .

I was speechless l and somewhat upset when I stopped to consider what she had just said.

Discuss

OP posts:
turnandfacethenamechange · 18/02/2020 23:38

*It's fine. Not great, but fine. If they ever discover a 'gay gene' (they haven't yet) then watch the proportion of children born with that genetic makeup plummet over the years, just like it has for down syndrome.

People will screen for it, and abort for it*

That's fine is it? Confused

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 19/02/2020 00:29

I work in healthcare and I am quite surprised this shocked you

I regularly get patients who come out with remarks like this, casual racism etc. Nothing extreme or outright to someones face but fairly frequent comments of "nothing against the gays but I don't want it my face/wouldn't want it for my own/don't understand it personally" "I'm not being racist but..."

It saddens me that people still have these views. But I would say it's fairly common particularly amongst the older generation, and it doesn't particularly shock or surprise me when they come out with.

It is homophobia, and don't get me wrong I don't condone it in anyway. But it suprises me that you are surprised

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 19/02/2020 00:32

Is it fine people will screen and abort for being gay?!?!

UghnotherStain · 19/02/2020 00:36

Is it fine people will screen and abort for being gay?!?!

Well, I suppose this would open the discussion of:What is and is not OK to screen and abort for?

KittyTsui · 19/02/2020 04:51

By 'it is fine' I meant it is fine for the grandmother to think like that. Not great, but not the worst thing in the world.

My other comments were to highlight that people already make decisions to kill unborn children based on various genetic conditions. I was meaning to highlight that in comparison to killing an unborn child because of their gender, disability etc. is mild compared to the comment made by the grandmother.

It was also to point out that if some people had the choice, I suspect they would terminate an unborn gay child :(

AskAga1n · 19/02/2020 06:49

I am appalled people are excusing these homophobic views and others just glibly admit to them on here too.

It is not ok.

My son is gay. I have never ever wished he was straight. Even when he has been bullied and his mental health has suffered from bullying and homophobic language. He is gay, end of, its natural, he was born that way and he is who he is. He is healthy, bright, kind, resilient with an amazing sense of humour. I am grateful for all those things. Sexuality is a non issue.

How dare people wish away a natural part of some body because their idealised view of what life should be like.Gay people marry and have children, some don’t. So what.

Is it any surprise that mental health figures amongst the LGBT community is so poor with views and attitudes like this.

Juliette20 · 19/02/2020 07:01

In her lifetime, homosexuality was illegal. In my lifetime (mid 40s) homosexuality has been perceived extremely negatively, particularly in tabloid loo roll such as The Sun and the Daily Mail. I'm not entirely sure that some in the public eye now are not afraid to be openly gay, in case it affects their career. We have come a long way quickly since the 1990s, but there is still some way to go.

AskAga1n · 19/02/2020 07:03

Kitty your posts are appalling.it is not fine.

And as for aborting unborn gay children and likening being gay to a disability, describing it as a negative abortion worthy quality that is just an appalling thing to say. How would that make you feel as a person, how would your self confidence fare hearing glib remarks like that?

I would never in a million years have aborted my son for being gay, why on earth would I? He’s gorgeous and he is him. A lovely person.All I want for him is to find a partner he loves who treats him well. Plenty of straight couples don’t fall into easy parenthood myself included. Took me 10 years. Fertility doesn’t define a life.

AskAga1n · 19/02/2020 07:03

People need to be pulled up on it as it happens not excused.

It is not fine.

CaptainMyCaptain · 19/02/2020 07:15

In her lifetime, homosexuality was illegal
The woman is 65, she would have been 11 when homosexuality was legalised. I am rather shocked at the ageism on here (not really it happens when all the time). Being 65 is no excuse for being homophobic, racist or anything else.

CaptainMyCaptain · 19/02/2020 07:16

Sorry 12 not 11, but hardly old enough to be confirmed in her opinion.

Spider7 · 19/02/2020 07:23

I don’t think acknowledging the reality of the work is appalling. Which is all Kitty is doing. They’re not saying it is right that people would right to abort just that some, maybe most would. We like to kid ourselves we are an open and accepting society but if you bother to looks and listen, prejudices are still very rampant. Just look at the people we have
elected into power - you can bet some of them would want to abort a gay child so if the gene is found....: Pointing out that these attitudes exist is not a bad thing. Sticking your head in the sand and refusing to look at this possibility and add another voice to the opinion that this should never be permitted to happen is the bad thing.

AskAga1n · 19/02/2020 07:24

She said it was fine. It isn’t.

AskAga1n · 19/02/2020 07:27

“Her comment is a reflection of that thinking.”

It’s fine for the grandmother to think like that and not the worst thing in the world apparently.

It’s abhorrent.

SimonJT · 19/02/2020 07:38

‘I’m so happy for my grandson .
He’s got his ideal job.
And he’s not gay!
I’ve nothing against them , I just wouldn’t want it for one of my own “.

‘I’m so happy for my grandson .
He’s got his ideal job.
And he’s not black!
I’ve nothing against them , I just wouldn’t want it for one of my own “ .

‘I’m so happy for my grandson .
He’s got his ideal job.
And he’s not autistic!
I’ve nothing against them , I just wouldn’t want it for one of my own “ .

‘I’m so happy for my grandson .
He’s got his ideal job.
And he’s not a woman!
I’ve nothing against them , I just wouldn’t want it for one of my own “ .

I have to assume that those who think it’s okay and not homophobic would happily say it in public, to friends, colleagues etc and would use the same logic and repeat the above examples in public.

Ilovemypantry · 19/02/2020 10:20

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, you can’t police what people think however much you disagree with their opinions.

Reginabambina · 19/02/2020 10:27

I’m surprised she said it but I understand the comment. Gay men (and women) still face much more discrimination and disadvantages than people seem to be willing to recognise these days. For gay men the issue of starting a family is particularly difficult. Being gay isn’t easy, no matter how accepting people are. I would be a bit sad for my son(S) if one or both ended up being gay. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there’s anything wrong at all with being gay and I would be happy that they were secure enough in themselves to acknowledge their sexuality but I would be worried for how they may be treated and the difficulties they may face. It makes sense. She still shouldn’t have said it though (especially in that context). But equally I think that people need to separate issues of acceptance and acknowledgment. Gay people are increasingly becoming an invisibly disadvantaged group (much like women).

Reginabambina · 19/02/2020 10:30

@SimonJT as a woman I was really relieved that my sons were both Male. After the way I’ve seen girls and women treated I wouldn’t wish it on my own children. There is nothing wrong with being a woman, there are good things about it, I accept myself being a woman and so on but it can really suck. I’m sure there must be similar issues for men but I don’t know anything about it so I felt relief knowing that my children would be spared the things I and my friends have been subjected to. That doesn’t make me a misogynist.

LonginesPrime · 19/02/2020 11:32

What I don't understand, OP, is that you acknowledge in your title that this is a homophobic comment yet you opened it to the floor to 'discuss' which obviously invites people to counter that it's not homophobic.

If you had asked 'WIBU not to challenge her during a situation where she is my patient?', that would be one thing.

But to repeat a comment on here that you knew to be offensive and invite people to discuss its merits seems rather ill-thought out.

AskAga1n · 19/02/2020 11:32

Well I’m a woman and have a daughter and have never experienced what you are saying enough to wish away my daughter or myself .Hmm
How ridiculous.

And no people aren’t entitled to think what they like. They’re certainly not entitled to voice racist or homophobic views either.

And sorry feeling sad if one of your children is hay is homophobic however you dress it up.

I’ve never felt sadness re my son being gay just anger at the homophobia shown by others. Why on earth should his sexuality and natural state as a person be dragged down and regretted due to the actions of others?Angry

AskAga1n · 19/02/2020 11:34

Longines I have my suspicions op posted it to excuse homophobia.

As you say there is nothing to discuss and it’s just an invitation for others to put their homophobia on a platform and get it excused.

Karwomannghia · 19/02/2020 11:57

No the OP’s ds is gay and has said she’s proud of him

LonginesPrime · 19/02/2020 12:14

No the OP’s ds is gay and has said she’s proud of him

Which makes it even more baffling that she would post something she recognises as homophobic and ask people to opine on whether it's ok to say!

UnitedRoad · 19/02/2020 12:36

Maybe she always thought he was, and she lost sleep worrying about him - things were a lot harder years ago. (My mum said she didn’t sleep a wink after my daughter, 14 at the time, mentioned someone from a band she liked was following her on Twitter. My mum rang me the next morning, saying ‘following her where???’). The world had changed so so much in the last 40 years, and you can’t expect every older person to have the same views as you

Yes it’s a horrible thing to say though, but I’m sure it wasn’t meant as cruelly as it sounded.

Mixertaps · 19/02/2020 12:46

And no people aren’t entitled to think what they like.

They are actually. People can hold whatever views they like in the privacy of their own heads. You cannot thought police people. Not entitled to spread prejudice though.