Homophobia alert. A middle aged woman said this to me today about her adult grandson. It’s not ok, is it ?

[Shortfeet]

‘I’m so happy for my grandson .
He’s got his ideal job.
And he’s not gay!
I’ve nothing against them , I just wouldn’t want it for one of my own “ .

I was speechless l and somewhat upset when I stopped to consider what she had just said.

Discuss

I know plenty high-achieving, professional women at various ages in their 60s. Can't imagine anyone describing them as old ladies

They certaintly aren't young, or middle-aged, so that leaves old or mature.

Far from middle aged. And a very different generation.
It may be an outdated view but it's her view.
I'm 65 and don't care whether you call me middle aged or old but I'm not so old that being homophobic is par for the course. We're not dinosaurs and, for the record, I get my pension next year. It's called a retirement pension btw, the 'old age pension' was a benefit given to people who, at the beginning of the welfare state, hadn't contributed any NI contributions for the state retirement pension. There can be no one alive now in receipt of that.

Also, I have a gay grandson and that's fine with me. He is who he is.

Of course it is an odd thing to say. She has the right to feel it though. I think most people if they were truthful think the same. I would prefer my children to be heterosexual for a number of reasons. Of course if they aren’t then I will love them and support them because first and foremost I want them to be happy. Doesn’t make me homophobic.

Or advanced...

I'm with Pottering Along - her intent may not have been homophobic. Now the poster who said someone said "why cant the gay keep it to themselves" I would have a harder time defending. LOL. I think we are so quick to see phobias we have lost the art of listening. I myself have said that if I were to have a gay son I'm glad it is now and not 20 years ago when I believe people were less accepting. Is that homophobic?

If you view autism as a developmental disorder. Which some autistic people would find very offensive.

I've worked with autistic people all my adult life. I've never heard someone be offended by this standard categorisation. The more correct term is autistic spectrum disorder.

Is is certainly important to combat negative stereotypes about ASD 'suffering' and to emphasise the complexity and range of presentation involved. None of that, not one positive outcome, is achieved by finding things 'very offensive'.

Were I the mother of a Muslim boy in Bradford, a girl in Texas or a girl in South Africa I’d be an idiot to not be worried about their life chances.

Even then, I would not say what the old post middle aged lady said. My kids have some significant challenges, I would not wish them any other way.

In fairness, if OP turns out to be from Saudi Arabia, I'll stipulate that this elderly young at heart woman is probably highly tolerant.

Nobody wishes for their child to have something that could make their life harder. I would love a child who had Downs etc etc, but obviously I'd rather they were born without it.

Her grandson could well be gay and she doesn’t know.

My grandparents (90) have no idea 4 out of their 11 grandchildren are gay. The majority of the rest of the family know. They have just chosen not to tell our grandparents as variations of the op post has been said at times over the years.

Although age is sometimes not a factor as I was asked once by a colleague in her 40’s if I was worried my family had a ‘gay gene’.

I can feel the sense of shock, OP. It was out of context and a slightly bizarre thing to mention at all unless there had been some concern (of hers) that he might be gay? Not ok as an attitude, of course. Sounds like she just thought ‘let’s see: decent job, straight, well that’s those boxes ticked, then....’. I can see it wasn’t the time and place to say anything, otherwise I’d have been tempted to go with ‘and he’d be the apple of your eye whatever, wouldn’t he?’ Hard stare optional.

I think for the older generations, they saw people coming out being treated very badly for no real reason at all.

Not saying she wasn't homophobic, but she may have the perspective that she doesn't want someone she loves to be treated badly for something they have no control over.

Or she's a bigot.

Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, even middle aged women

I've really only just started thinking of my mother as 'old' this year. She's 82. It varies from person to person. She's been delivering meals on wheels to people 20 years younger than herself.

Just trying this out

‘I’m so happy for my grandson .
He’s got his ideal job.
And he’s not autistic!
I’ve nothing against them , I just wouldn’t want it for one of my own “ .

No, not ok.

@TryingToBeBold that’s my point. I live in a very privileged bubble. My kids are unlikely to have dogpoo through their door, or to be refused healthcare or housing or denied promotion for being gay. My imaginary Texan/ South African/ Kenyan mothers don’t have the luxury of being relaxed about their children’s sexuality.

Homophobia alert

Sorry, this made me laugh. Out loud actually.

I’m queer. I was with a woman from 19 to 28. Now I’m dating a man. But - I can remember being in the back of my grandparents car when I was about 16/17 and then having a convesation about a friend of theirs who had a son who had just come out. My otherwise lovely grandfather said -well, it’s a bit like having a child with spina bifida, obviously, you pity them and have sympathy but you wouldn’t wish it on anyone really would you - must be devestating-

I was struggling on so many levels with who I was and what I felt.

Years later, they still question why I didn’t introduce them to the woman who was at the point the love and light of my life.

Words hurt and scar.

And I know I’d rather have a child with spina bifida than a homophobic child.

What he said was wrong on so many levels.

Over a decade later - I can still remember the sting like it was yesterday. And every month I still donate to an LGBT charity and my national spina bifida charity - because we don’t need pity - we need acceptance.

Everyone’s allowed their opinions

No, not ok.

It's a bizarre train of thought, yes. But shouldn't be taken as automatic evidence of being prejudiced against the autistic. I'd be wondering if there was some sort of filtering issue going on tbh.

And everyone is allowed their opinions of other people's opinions. . .

TBH, what makes me more uncomfortable is the whole tone of your post, OP. The 'discuss' seems to get people's backs up, but more, I'm a bit confused by what feels to be like faux shock?

I mean, you must know by now that people hold strongly, openly homophobic views and that it's not particularly uncommon?

It does get on my nerves that a lot of MNers seem to imagine homophobia is a thing of the past, such that a (rather mild) comment like this is treated as the shocking exception.

It just isn't.

It's probably not the worst thing a lot of gay people have heard in the past year, maybe not the past month.

If you dislike it and have energy or inclination to discuss it with this woman, go for it. But handwringing on social media, where you obviously imagine most people will agree with you it's terrible, just seems a bit self-indulgent to me. Yes: you are a wonderful, caring person. Much better than her. Does that help you?

I get that I am being a little harsh and you probably mean well. But you do sound awfully shocked by a pretty mainstream view.

Yeah, it's a tad virtue-signally Sarahandquack. Honestly, if I made a MN post about every untoward post I've seen on comments sections... But it's nice that OP never comes across it usually. Suggests the world is a nicer place than some threads would have you believe.

'Discuss' is the the sole use of a Professor or Lecturer who has just explained a theory and would genuinely like the students to 'Discuss'. Otherwise its utter twattery.

Also, I think this post falls into the 'well clearly that was unreasonable, so you are only posting so you get four million people agreeing with you' there isn't actually much to 'discuss' is there?

Caveat: I'm grumpy and hungry so this might sound more spiteful than intended.

The comment might of sounded a bit blunt but there’s nothing wrong with being glad you’re child or grandchild isn’t gay. I’m glad my brother isn’t gay, he has a lovely wife and 2 children. People have dreams for their family and she maybe thinks being gay could hold him back or make it difficult for him to have a family.

^^ which I understand is an old fashioned way of thinking