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Original poster

Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

291 replies

Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:12

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

OP posts:
PanicAndRun · 16/02/2020 11:33

However when we do I'd like everyone to pitch in a little.

I think this comes because you view it differently. For you eating at the table is special and an event because the location changes,for them it's eating, so they do what they always do if that makes sense.

pantsville · 16/02/2020 11:37

I grew up in a tiny council house with just my mum. Only child. No room for a dining table.

I ate all my dinners off a tray on my lap/floor in the living room, watching Cartoon Network while my mum leafed through Kay’s catalogue. I had such a happy childhood. Mum and I loved each other so much and did everything together. I wouldn’t change a thing.

So much emphasis is put on Mr and Mrs Perfect, and their 2.4 children gathering round a table at 6pm on the dot sharing a delicious home cooked feast whilst roaring with laughter at each other’s jokes, nodding along enraptured at dads story about the bus nearly making him late for work etc. Repeat daily. For most people, this isn’t anything close to real life. And trying to force it when people just want to relax in their own home sounds absolutely exhausting. And such an extreme viewpoint to brand his whole family as miserable simply because they don’t do the whole family dinner performance to your liking. If I discovered my spouse had such contempt for me and my family, I’d honestly worry for our marriage.

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 11:37

Again very true panic Grin

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
adaline · 16/02/2020 11:39

Meals are a really good time to just focus on communicating and checking in with each other. The fact that so many people on here can't be bothered is a worry - I think they are doing it wrong! I cant believe i even have to explain this!

Yeah, but mealtimes shouldn't be the only time it happens, that's my point. If the only time you get to speak to your kids is at the dinner table then that's your fault for not prioritising, surely?

What happened to eating breakfast together? Talking on the school run? Bath and bedtime together? Stories? Going out together at weekends or to activities? If parents are only spending 7 minutes a day talking to their children then something bigger in their life needs to change than just chatting at the table.

PanicAndRun · 16/02/2020 11:43

Yay I'm in a roll today!

Must be the fever .Grin

maddiemookins16mum · 16/02/2020 11:44

When I was a child we ate tea (dinner/supper 🤗) watching Crossroads.

Bouledeneige · 16/02/2020 11:47

Research backs up the benefit of famillies eating together and for good conversation:

www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2015/01/12/the-most-important-thing-you-can-do-with-your-kids-eat-dinner-with-them/

'It isn’t just the presence of healthy foods that leads to all these benefits. The dinner atmosphere is also important. Parents need to be warm and engaged, rather than controlling and restrictive, to encourage healthy eating in their children.

But all bets are off if the TV is on during dinner. In one study, American kindergartners who watched TV during dinner were more likely to be overweight by the time they were in third grade. The association between TV-watching during dinner and overweight children was also reported in Sweden, Finland and Portugal.'

'So dinner is the most reliable way for families to connect and find out what’s going on with each other. In a survey, American teens were asked when they were most likely to talk with their parents: dinner was their top answer. Kids who eat dinner with their parents experience less stress and have a better relationship with them'

PhilCornwall1 · 16/02/2020 11:50

I'd prefer just to eat my meal in peace instead of having conversations with my mouth full or watching other people do the same.

Totally agree. I travel a lot for work and stay in hotels. I stopped using restaurants in them as throughout the meal, there was always someone coming over and asking "is everything alright?". I felt like saying " it bloody would be if you'd leave me alone!" And invariably there would be someone on another table seeing that I was on my own and try to engage in conversation when I was having my meal, again, bugger off and leave me alone!!!

GreyishDays · 16/02/2020 11:52

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. I think most people would chat at a meal. That’s the whole reason it’s meant to be a positive familiar thing to do.

speakout · 16/02/2020 11:53

Such biased research.

And it is an American study.

In the UK there are many homes that literally have no space for a dining table.
I grew up in a home so small that theer was no room to eat at the table.
For the first 10 years of my own children's life we lived in a home that there was no room to literally swing a cat..
I tiny cramped kitchen- a living room big enough only for a sofa and a couple of chairs.
I am sure kids who are raised eating at dining tables have better outcomes- they come from wealthier families.

We eat togther once a year as a family- christmas day. We have the space and the table, but too busy.

Spartak · 16/02/2020 11:57

I'm pretty sure that research would back up that a nagging wife is a major reason for divorce as well.

bobstersmum · 16/02/2020 12:01

I know some cultures see eating meals as a really social thing but honestly! Mealtimes are primarily that, to eat a meal! If chatting happens at the same time great but no way should you be forcing people to have a big debate while they're trying to eat.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/02/2020 12:02

The fact that your daughter has a problem with you eating and not with your husband eating makes me think that there are other issues. That kind of selective annoyance isn't acceptable, it really isn't.

That your husband integrated into your mum/dad/wider family's meals without a problem and enjoyed them, makes me think that however much you think this joyousness is replicated at your mealtimes - that you are seemingly single-handedly achieving - isn't quite hitting the spot.

Something's changed. It's not ok for one of a couple to dictate this sort of thing. It's not a 'finely tuned' dance either, not if you're not one of the cast of Downton Abbey... if it takes that much effort and scripting then something has gone badly awry.

We chat over mealtimes but it's organic, some days we have lots to say and other days not so much. It's fine, everybody minds their manners and mealtimes are peaceful. It's not a black and white thing and if I had to act as conductor... well I just wouldn't, it would feel unnatural and forced which is the last good thing for digestion.

Quick question for you though, Februaryfervour, how's your family communication (partner communication especially), away from the dinner table?

Thornhill58 · 16/02/2020 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 12:10

This is what I love about mn, often one poster will come up with that comment othat makes sense and resonates.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 16/02/2020 12:13

The majority of evening meals are going to be after say 8 or 9 hours at work, talking to people. I had back to back conference calls on Friday from 8am to 5pm. When I got to the end of that day, the last thing I would have wanted was to a) talk about my day and b) engage in a conversation when having my tea, other than "shall we see what's in the planner to watch?".

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 12:15

Lying, utter nonsense. Look up misophonia!

Same way I have issues with one colleague and no one else.
I'm probably a noisier eater or it's 1 particular noise I make.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 16/02/2020 12:16

@Thornhill58 you really took a photo of them?? Confused

user32564567 · 16/02/2020 12:19

Thornhill58 ,You took a photo of a family you don't know eating their dinner?

Maybe just get on with your life and let them get on with theirs ,without taking sneaky photos of them, ffs.

Sonichu · 16/02/2020 12:20

@Thornhill58 why are you taking photos of them you fucking creep

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/02/2020 12:21

Lying, utter nonsense. Look up misophonia!

I think there's truth in it. I have misophonia. Stress certainly makes it worse but there are some people who I find it unbearable to be around - my mum is one, because I find her so difficult to be around anyway. I find it hard to sit with my children while they are eating but I can tune it out somewhat because my emotional response to them generally is different.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 16/02/2020 12:21

It's not just that he doesn't make conversation though is it...if the poor man opens his mouth to say anything that isn't on point and up to standard then the OP is judging him, his whole past and his whole family

I am ALL for dinner table chat, small talk in queues, bit of weather discussion on a bus.

We often eat on our laps in front of the tv, but we chatter to and fro regardless. Same for big family meals with partners/friends/grandparents...often uproarious and great fun but this set up in the Op's family is awful, and oppressive.

Did I see someone has to be wearing headphones?? There's more than a simple lack of chatter going on for sure.

Sirzy · 16/02/2020 12:22

or Perhaps the family in the photo have had a long day and need some downtime? Ds is autistic and needs his iPad to help him focus when we are out eating, he has an eating disorder anyway so we need to keep him calm.

I am all for conversation. But not for forced conversation that would really piss me off. Conversation should be natural

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/02/2020 12:22

@Thornhill58 you should get that photo taken down. That's not on at all

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/02/2020 12:25

Februaryfervour so what other coping strategies have you given your daughter then, OP? I agree with PP that you're wanting the silence covered up because of your daughter's issue. It's not the same when it's a colleague as to when it's a regular dining member.

What talking do you/your immediate family do away from mealtimes?

Still, I'm sure you have all the answers, enough to disregard my meagre contributions to your thread. Whatever you're doing isn't working but it's for your husband to fix and he'd better jump to it. Crack on then. Genuinely, good luck.