Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

[Februaryfervour]

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

You don’t seem to be taking on board any of the replies on this thread. If you’re not careful you will drive away your husband and your children. They are much more likely to avoid coming to your house for meals as adults due to your behaviour, not your husband’s.

OP i'm sorry you've got such a hard time on here. I'm shocked how many people on here are happy to sit in silence or watching TV with their family at dinner. The once a day chance to check in with each other and find out how the people you love are doing. I'm so glad I'm not in a relationship if thats what so many people think is normal. My kids would always ask me at dinner what happened today and I would tell them the funny little things I'd seen on the way to and from work or things that happened at work. And they do the same. We also talk about the news or gossip or things they've learned or observed. Gosh - 1/2 an hour to an hour a day isn't much to ask. Just keep going talking to your kids and don't bother with your DH. And yes companionship is important in a relationship and you may struggle just the two of you when the kids have left home. But you will have a relationship with your DC - your DH may struggle to if he can never be arsed to speak to them.

Can you trade him in for a more interesting model?

The once a day chance to check in with each other and find out how the people you love are doing.

Eh?

If the only time you have to chat to your family is over your evening meal then you're doing it wrong!

You didn't mention the cousin was from overseas. Is she even comfortable or fluent speaking in english?
Ethier way the point you are missing is chivying/jollying someone along to speak piles on the pressure and can make it even less likely that they will join in. The pressure would be even worse if it was something that only happened a few times a year. However I do get for you the silence is difficult. So what would encourage me to join in. Light topics- not should dd drop a language. Perhaps something about a tv show or light current events. No pressure to join in or pointed questions. Things were all can contribute. If you told me all about your day i would nod politely but would have nothing to add.

Why does your daughter hate listening to you eat - but not her father?

My DM and me were like this. She ate with her mouth open, not fully open but just a bit now and then, and generally made more lip smacking noises than everyone else, and didn't realize she was doing it. It trigger my misphomia so badly (or maybe caused it in the first place) it actually made me want to stab her with a fork but we were all terrified not her so no one dared ask her to stop.

Put Science Vs on during dinner, it's great.

Bouledeneige what makes you think people are interested in what happened to you at work. I agree about general news or gossip but hearing all about a bunch of people I don't know, but you do sounds a bit self centered and gives me no opportunity to join in.

I can see some of your points and worries but overall I'm exhausted just reading your thread.

It sounds like there's a bigger issue with your DH's family than just not talking at the dinner table and that's why they have poor relationships and are miserable now. Don't extrapolate that to your children.

We don't really talk at the dinner table ,sometimes I can actually get frustrated by chatter on a bad day, but our house is full of laughter ,mischief ,games and talks. We have close relationships. I just want 10 frikking minutes of peace and quiet while I enjoy my dinner,clear my head and rest.

For me eating dinner is about the only time there is silence. Work is constant chatter (I work in lower level school and nursery) DC are both chatterboxes and masters of all kinds of talk, small or otherwise (far better than me, it's a personality trait rather anything that has been modelled) They have good appetites and love their meals and sitting in comfortable silence for 10 minutes while we all relax and enjoy our meal while it's hot isnt doing anyone any harm. Not everyone is obligated to do things they way you like!

Zwellers.
I have no problem getting convo going.. If they are in room in silence, I can without piling on pressure manage to get them talking to each other and by the time I leave the room to carry on cooking they are talking and the ice is broken. Neither has those skills. They have not been taught them. This is the whole point

Put it this way, I think I've explained badly.

If I put the energy in, I can get dh talking and dc. I don't put any pressure on, convo will come.

But the pressure comes with me recognising that it is me doing it! I'd like someone else to carry the can... Make that same effort!

Re dh, he doesn't bother with the cousin, I have run out of patience I'm not hosting someone who makes zero effort to talk, even to the dc!!

Dh doesn't want to stay or visit his aunt when working near her, the last few times he didn't tell anyone he was in the country... He went to hotel and did his own thing... He doesn't feel comfortable in his dp home anyway, the not taking an interest or talking makes it worse.

However on the rare occasion these days sadly, my family visit or we can travel to visit them dh is always super keen!
That's because they are great hosts. They chat. We feel comfortable in thier houses.
It's not constant at all, we watch telly and just blend in but people do chat around the table!
Dh always talks more as well, and he enjoys himself. But he's riding on their chatty coat tails.
We do it his way most of the day, and most of the year.

I see the results in his family. I see the results in mine.

OP, what's it like to be perfect? To be honest, all you've done is say how everyone else is wrong and you are right.

That's what happens, people don't want to see people and I think that's sad.

Phil its nothing to do with being perfect but see post above. We don't see his family.
They don't talk, don't take any interest. The dc are bored. Dh hates it. I used to chat... But again I've had enough now.

happycamper

In that situation, I can more, more than understand your need for silence 😂😂

panic

I think that's a good point.

I suppose dh family dynamic has shocked me and it does worry me.

My family is far far far from perfect but in totally different way.

Dh family is so unusual I guess but I think your point about not extrapolating that onto mine (immediate) is a good one.

I think they do have much wider deeper issues.

You know I've tried really hard to remember meals from my childhood and I can't for the life of me remember if we talked or not and what about. All I can remember is a few arguments.

I can't imagine eating meals in complete silence. Never happens in my house!

We may not talk constantly through every meal but we do always talk.

I would have thought with children meal times would be all round the table eating and talking, catching up on what happened during the day, what's happening the next day etc.

We have no children but have never run out of things to say to each other. I find it sad when you see couples in restaurants that spend maybe 2 hours sitting at a table and their whole conversation consists of "what are you having", "pass the salt" etc.

OP do you and you DH talk to each other much at other times? I think chatting is important between partners. Luckily both me and DH are talkers

adaline - as i mentioned upthread the average father in the UK spends 7 minutes a day talking to their DC, the average mother 11 minutes. When you have teenagers who are 17 and 19 they don't spend their evening watching TV with you chatting - if they are there they are also staring at their phones or a laptop = as their parents often are too. And they don't have a milk and bedtime story after their bath! Most of the time they sit in other rooms and do their own thing. This isn't doing it wrong its real life!

And mealtimes are the best time to relax and chat without the TV being on and phones constantly being checked. Its clear freetime to focus on each other without all the internet and texting and all that background noise. Family psychologists recommend using mealtimes as real family time without distractions. The fact that famillies teach their kids that there is never a place where the TV, phones and podcasts aren't on in the background is a matter of concern. Meals are a really good time to just focus on communicating and checking in with each other. The fact that so many people on here can't be bothered is a worry - I think they are doing it wrong! I cant believe i even have to explain this!

The top and bottom of it really is you want everyone to take turns eating so you can eat with noise covering up the noises you make that your daughter finds uncomfortable?

Ear defenders are good for that. I'd really just stick the telly on or put music on. Or ditch the table altogether. Take the pressure off a bit before everyone gets heartburn.

I suppose dh family dynamic has shocked me and it does worry me.

OH's is the same. He has an uncle and a sister (I have more of a relationship with them than OH does) that are ok and quite funny and engaging,but the rest are quite quiet, awkward and reserved. I do struggle on the rare occasions we all get together,but that's mostly because I feel sorry for him.

How is your husband in other areas? Does he enjoy spending time with you and the children? Does he take an interest in their lives/yours? Does he display emotion and affection? Does he have a relationship with them independently of you? That's the stuff that will last and build a bond and good family relationships . Conversation at the dinner table would be a nice bonus on top,but not essential if he does all that. At the same time if the answer is no to all that, the conversation at the table won't fix anything, it would be like sticking a plaster on a gaping wound.

I’m shocked at some of the replies on this thread! Do people honestly think it’s ok to sit at the dinner table and make no effort? Nobody’s saying that every meal has to be a riotous affair but an interest in the people you’re sharing it with is the bare minimum, no?

OP I totally see where you’re coming from. How do people who refuse to talk at the table get through work meals? Or dates? Or making friends? It is a life skill and it’s so, so important.

I'd prefer just to eat my meal in peace instead of having conversations with my mouth full or watching other people do the same. Plenty of time for chatting throughout the day. Forget the kids though. They never want to chat!

Bouledeneige
Many families don't get the chance to eat together for many reasons including work and schedules that don't align. There are plenty of other ways to catch up and talk to each other other than enforced conversation around the dinner table.

Again good points panic, yes I'd say generally he does have much better relations with dc than his own dp have with him but he's nothing like his family, if he was like them I wouldn't be with him, they are uptight in so many ways.

Your first comment has given me food for thought. I think my worry about his family ties disintegrating has worried me a great deal and their lack of basic social skills and how this also feeds into ties loosening.

However your right that I can't let that also feed into my family and generally we are already leaps and bounds ahead of them....

Thank you

If you like pina

^^ as with dh family they don't get by!!

hear

I agree with you. Infact sometimes where there are threads about how awful TV dinners are, I'm firmly on the side that they are not awful, we love them, and yes there are other ways and times to talk to each other. With my dc the car has always been the place mainly.

My dc don't always every night sit formally at table but they have good table manners so far.
I don't agree we need to sit at table 365 days a year to catch up with each other or learn manners.
However when we do I'd like everyone to pitch in a little.