Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

[Februaryfervour]

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

They will need to learn this for when they are frown up and will have to go to formal dinners, business dinners or even basic dating.

You don't need to spend your mealtimes constantly chattering to learn the art of small talk

Why are so many people incapable of sitting in silence with their own thoughts? Why the constant need to fill the silence with noise?

I just hope when dc are older they want to visit us....

They certainly won’t want to visit if they’re expected to act in a certain way when they do come. What if one of your DC isn’t a big talker when they’re grown up?

Let people be who they are, not who you expect them to be.

You sound bloody hard work.

We eat in the kitchen at about 6.30pm on work/school nights, we have Radio 2 on for the last half hour of Sara Cox (so we catch the first and last concert the listener went to segment) then we play Beat the Intro on Alexa. It’s a nice habit we got into.

Hear I guess the point is that, it's not OK to sit with people and not try android talk about something.

Just something, something about your day, comment on something in the news, ask what we are doing tomowow.

It's not ok to sit passive and not make any effort to speak at all. I'd be very embarrassed if my dc grew up and didn't try no matter how hard to speak to their hosts at some point during the meal, even if to say... This is tasty thank you.

Maybe we are all tired, find talking hard. The message is, just a couple of sentences will suffice and is basic manners when someone has made you food.

Like dh cousin, who comes and doesn't speak! Not a word! Never asks a question, doesn't make any effort at conversation and is this a surprise in a family that makes no effort.

She could literally visit us, and arrive and leave with a few words exchanged like... Would you like a drink, do you like spaghetti, would you rather something else, any more desert.

I have to step in, jolly her along, create conversations.. I don't want my own dc to be like this! It's hard work.

Hear I guess the point is that, it's not OK to sit with people and not try android talk about something

Why on earth not?

Do you like your dh and his family? It doesn't sound like you do. Can't you just accept people are different? Our children will find their own way in the world, they don't model everything on what they experience at home. Our family meals couldn't be more different from hiw we were brought up and ds will do what he wants.

Stop stressing.

He needs to be an adult and set an example. Is there anything he's enthusiastic about he could discuss? Maybe wrote a list of topics or find a list on tinternet?

badmoon

I'm giving up. I'll just have to make sure I've got lots of money when I'm retired to take myself out at Xmas etc go on cruises so I can have some more company and someone to chat too.

The way you talk about his family and now his cousin sounds far more like you are overbearing.

I think you need to take a step back here and look at your own behaviour rather than force everyone else to change.

Are you sure you aren't trying to mould everyone to be this picture perfect family in your head that you are simply stifling any natural interaction.

Imagine turning the scenario round.

If your DH told you he likes silence at meals to enjoy his food, and told you to research strategies to keep quiet for 30 minutes. And then repeatedly told you to shut up while you were at the table so he could have what he wants. How would you feel?

He's your husband. Stop treating him like a performing seal.

Chill. The. Fuck. Out. OP.

It would help your situation if you were able to understand that people who are different to you and your family are not wrong or defective or incapable or rude. It is not your job to correct all those around you who fail to meet your standards. You sound exhausting to be around.

And yet Mrs pelling even this thread shows how many people have been affected by their own family meal times! And what's the normal for them.

When I was a child we wasn't allowed to talk at the table, and had to ask to leave the table. Maybe he was brought up this way and now feels uncomfortable to talk at the table. X

This is all about you and what you want.

Is there anything he's enthusiastic about he could discuss? Maybe wrote a list of topics or find a list on tinternet?

Can you imagine if this was the other way around?

"My husband insists on constant small talk at the table. When I don't want to talk he tells me to go and do some research or write a list of appropriate things to talk about".

It's ridiculous. Let the poor man eat his dinner! If you want to talk, talk to DC or fulfil your need for constant chattering elsewhere.

All your meals will be in silence on your own if you keep giving your family homework to bring to tea! Maybe the bloke is knackered after work and doesn’t want idle chit chat he just wants his tea in peace!!

Spsrtack if he told me this I would be upset that my behaviour was impacting him so much... I'd explain that I like to talk during meals, rather than total silence. And perhaps a compromise might be quieter eating in the week when we are all tired and perhaps on Friday and Saturday we do it more my way.

Februaryfervour
Of course it's ok to sit quietly. You are making the mistake of insisting that your way is the only way.

In your last post you say that a couple of sentences is fine, yet earlier in your thread you complain about your DH giving a 2 line answer to a question - so which is it?

Of course your DC should be polite when a guest, but your DH isn't a guest he is in his own home. He should be able to relax and be himself.

Why can't you just chat to your DC? There is something else going on here. Are you over bearing in other aspects of can't life too? I'm wondering why you fear your children not wanting to visit in later life and laying the blame for that with your DH. I'd look closer to home if I were you.

My mum was over bearing, critical. It was always her way or the highway. None of us could ever live up to her expectations, we always fell short. I only visit now out of obligation.

How if we don't show them?

By talking directly to them yourself? As I said before, a short open ended question about their day. The effort made for funny chat to enlighten them sounds exhausting and awkward. Surely uncomfortable silence is something that happens with strangers or people you don't know that well though. When you e been married for years silences should be just that - perhaps it's you making them uncomfortable,or more likely they are only uncomfortable for you and DH feels comforted by a warm silence while eating together. Not everyone is the same and your way doesn't trump his!

If I was the cousin and you kept talking at me and jollying me along I wouldn't say much ethier. Then I would stop coming.
You sound controlling. I was also bought up not to talk at the table. We were there to eat dinner not make random chit chat.

I think it's an important skill butter that's why.

I see the results in his family. I see the results in mine.

His cousin like I said makes zero effort. He also makes zero effort.

It's me saying... Oh dh I see your cousin is in the UK, she seems to want to visit shall we invite her over. I invite, she doesn't talk.
I try and generate conversations... It's hard work, I'm also hosting, clearing, cooking usually, buying, shopping etc..

After a decade, I don't instigate that invite any more. Its exhausting. No one has pointed out its polite to make some small talk, talk to your host, if your stuck.. Be pro active about topics.. Ask about the children, talk about news.

No one has pointed out its uncomfortable to host someone who doesn't talk. I don't host her anymore and dh wouldn't instigate.

Perversely dh also finds it awkward! He stayed with his aunt in another country as he had works training near there and he said it was boring, his aunt made him a meal, lovely, but got her computer out and didn't talk. He said he'd just stay in hotel next time.

So he did queue family berating him for not staying with the aunt! He said no point.. She made no effort to host or chat, he couldn't do what he wanted so better in hotel. So he does see it!!

Zwellers

A cousin who lives abroad, we see her several times a year if that?

You'd expect not to talk?

The initial example you gave - of your dd wanting to drop a language and you trying to bully engage your DH in conversation about why he finds the language useful etc, also sounds a million miles away from the light hearted, fun, gregarious meals of your childhood that you keep citing. Basically, your DH refused to engage in your trying to force your dd to do what you want. Good for him I say. How many other instances are you trying to use family mealtimes as a way to control your family?

Making inane conversation over the roast potatoes is not an important skill.

February my DH can be like this although I find that if the conversation is about him or something he likes he is fully engaged. I also know that being quiet isn't the normal for him as he is fine if we are out for dinner with friends or are hosting.

Like you, I think that being able to hold a conversation around the dinner table is important. As I get older I have become more aware of people talking about themselves with me asking all the questions. For a long time now I havent been bothered with this and quickly move on to someone else. There is always someone to click with and have an interesting conversation. So what I have done is the classic - I can't change someone elses's behaviour but I can change my own.

I have 2 children, there is no TV or tech at the dinner table. I ask them questions, focusing on them and me, I leave it up to DH to input if he wants but I don't directly engage him because I can't be bothered. I accept he is different to me, I like a good old discussion, he doesn't. I also talk about myself, why not!

So Februray, don't be defeated, change your approach. You have as much right to do things how you like them as he does.