Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

[Februaryfervour]

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

I’d find silence over dinner uncomfortable too and I’m an introvert.

Surely its a vital life skill to show interest in others at the dinner table? How is he in Company? With friends and colleagues?

You need to be careful you dont end up like those couples who sit in silence in restaurants (and I dont mean comfortable silence).

I'd rather be quiet at mealtimes and staring at my phone than be a creepy weirdo like Thornhill

You need to be careful you dont end up like those couples who sit in silence in restaurants (and I dont mean comfortable silence).

How can you tell the difference?

OP I think the fear of your family ending up like your DH's is what's exhausting you.

If you're the only one trying to achieve this one thing you feel stands between having a happy well adjusted family or not, of course it will feel like a massive burden and responsibility. It goes from natural to performing monkey frantically fuelled by fear and what ifs. Then when it goes wrong,as it's bound to it feels personal and like your own failure. It's not a good place to be in.

I think you should spend some time really thinking why it matters so much to you, does it really impact on your family and do you really believe that all things being normal ,loving and respectful dinner conversation can make or break a family?

You might even realise that you actually enjoy the silence or haphazard arrangements,or a picnic on the floor type meal watching a movie once you let go of the assumption lack of conversation = shit ,cold,distant family relationships.

Is there laughter in your family? Is there mischief? Is there love? Is there closeness? Are there hugs,games,stories,tears,giggles?

I would hate it to OP, it sounds so distant and bleak. But how about three times a week you all sit down together for a family meal & have some light convo, Wednesday, Saturday & Sunday - and do the whole how’s your week going/ what do you want to do tomorrow/ what’s everyone reading, watching, doing etc. The other meals quick, no chat other than how’s your day

I didn't take the photo I found it online. People are so quick to attack like a pack of hienas.

HyenaS.

So somebody else gave you the loaded gun, Thornhill, posters objections are valid. Why share that photo? It was really unnecessary.

Im surprised that anyone would suggest that shared family mealtimes only benefit famillies in the US. There's plenty of academic evidence that shows supports this being of value across the western world including the UK. The benefits include nutrition, academic achievement, reduction in anti-social or risk taking behaviour amongst teens, table manners, social skills, communications, empathy and mental health. However the research shows none of these benefits accrue with a TV on. See the link to the mental health foundation uk.

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/m/mealtimes-and-mental-health

'Sharing meals helps to develop social skills in children. Children learn from behaviour modelled by parents and older siblings. Mealtimes provide an opportunity where children and adolescents can learn to listen and learn how to interact in conversation. The ritual of the shared meal continuously reinforces individual identity: who he/she is, where does he/she belong or what his/her role might be. Qualities such as empathy and understanding can be developed as views and perspectives other than one's own can be discussed.

Importantly, mealtimes make people feel connected to others.'

I realise not everyone has the luxury of a kitchen or dining table and may have to balance plates on laps in sitting rooms. Just turn the TV, laptops and phones off and talk and share! Thats in the realm of the possible.

It doesn't matter who took the photo really. Posting a photo of a random family eating out and minding their own business is out of order.

@Februaryfervour bring a small card game to the table, or another game, find one of those spin pointers and make up a game like when the spinner ends up on you, you have to talk for 1min on any given subject...make it funny though, throw in some challenges like you can't say (um, but, and, red,so etc) Xx

Qualities such as empathy and understanding can be developed as views and perspectives other than one's own can be discussed.

How much empathy and understanding is demonstrated though when one parent issues demands to the other about researching topics of conversations, brow beats the other parent into engaging in conversation at a level deemed acceptable by the instigator and seeks to use meal times as a way of encouraging the 2 parents to gang up on a child who wants to drop a subject at school? None of what the op wants sounds like it will fulfill the criteria of these studies. It sounds more like eating dinner under exam conditions.

@Bouledeneige bloody hell. An academic study isn't needed for eating your tea!! Anybody would think a normal family only communicates at mealtimes.

OP hasn’t demanded that. She just wants some basic conversation, some of the time.

'' did I see someone has to be wearing headphones ''

😂😂🤣🤣🤣 Hilarious.

Dd with misophonia has got much better over the years. She used to have to leave the room. No matter how or where we ate. It upset me until someone suggested it could be misophonia and it wasn't personal etc and I realised I had this a few times over certain people.

She's much better now and doesn't have to rush off, but I'm still conscious of it whilst eating in silence sometimes....

Re the article that's dh family and dc I'm afraid. They have few life connections, experiences... And seem miserable.. They can't make any small talk band are all in thier own worlds.

Seems to me you have a big problem with your in laws. I expect they find you very annoying too.

I might have misread but did you say his family are from another part of the world? Could it be cultural that he doesn't like to talk when eating?

really

That's also a very good idea.
I could try and play just a minuet and then if everyone enjoys it, morph it into our own game.

Good idea thanks!

User in laws are whole different story. Their not talking or asking questions is one small part of their dysfunction.

Dh doesn't get on with them.

Thanks dozer

I'm looking forward to dinner today because I have a friend coming who if anything talks too much. but is adept at dinner party talk, funny stories etc.

So I'll enjoy today's meal. From tomorow back to TV dinner and on weekend I'm going to try some of the suggestions in the thread.

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

This is from the op. Sounds very like she was trying to get DH to join her in brow beating DD into continuing studying this language. Maybe he didn't want to be party to it? Whatever, it doesn't sound like light hearted fun family time to me.

Zebra

Not at all. Don't you think one family member speaking a language one dc is talking about continuing might create a few sentences worth of convo?

Dh hasn't used this language in actual fact and it hasn't helped him....

PS

It's always better to let dc learn and study their own interests. Never force them to learn or follow paths you want.

Never force them to learn or follow paths you want.

I'd suggest you are trying to get someone to follow a path you want at mealtimes though.

Yet you are forcing her to have conversation, forcing your husband to talk to her about it when she hasn’t chosen that time to discuss it.

If the issue is silence when eating (which I can’t cope with other people’s eating noises annoy me) then surely just put some music on in the background. Let conversation flow naturally, if you remove the pressure to keep chatting then perhaps people will feel more relaxed to chat