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Original poster

20 year-old DS has never had a girlfriend

160 replies

FlourBug · 09/02/2020 13:32

Anyone like to reassure/advise about this? DS will be 21 this year and has never had a girlfriend that I know of. I'm pretty sure I would know if he'd had even a slightly serious relationship.

Obviously he could be gay, but in that case he's never had a boyfriend that i know of either!

I know it's none of my business really but he seems so alone sometimes and i just want someone to come into his life who's really for him if you know what i mean?

Anyone's DH/DP/DS not have a girlfriend/boyfriend til quite late on but then became really happily settled?? Sad

OP posts:
caulkheaded · 09/02/2020 13:36

Totally normal. Sometimes it happens when they are at uni

pemberleypearl · 09/02/2020 13:37

I would focusing your energy on helping him be happy in himself, by himself. Whether he has a girlfriend/boyfriend really doesn't matter.

CormoranStrike · 09/02/2020 13:40

Totally normal both for my gay son and my straight daughter, they were later starting and didn’t have casual things.

Guiltyfeminist1 · 09/02/2020 13:41

My brother is nearly 24 and has never had a girlfriend. I know he has had sex (sorry TMI) but he has definitely never had a girlfriend or even gone on more than maybe 4 dates with someone. I have no words to reassure you...post is more just to say I know how it feels. My brother also seems so alone and even sometimes talks about how he would really like a girlfriend but doesn't know how to get one. He is on all sorts of dating websites but no luck. I want to help him but no idea how.

hopeishere · 09/02/2020 13:41

Does he have a social life? Friends?

yikesanotherbooboo · 09/02/2020 13:43

I don't think that this is particularly unusual. Only one of 6 of the young people in our family have had bf or gf at 21. 3 older ones all have successful relationships a few years on.
I wouldn't like to think of them being lonely though if that is the case.

YgritteSnow · 09/02/2020 13:43

I think older generations were encouraged to focus too much on relationships, meeting The One and settling down. It was unhealthy imvho and explains our high divorce rate and the rates of abuse within romantic relationships. It seems different now. Young people have many more opportunities to study and travel and not get trapped into early committed relationships. I'm glad of it and hope my children wait before getting into relationships.

Dumbledoresgirl · 09/02/2020 13:47

My children are aged between 17 and 23 and the only one who has had a partner is my youngest who has been coupled up for about 18 months now but even there, I feel it is more an exclusive friendship than a relationship as such. The others are all early 20s, never had partners.

I know what you mean, and I would like them to meet someone, but, to be fair, both dh and I were late starters (we are each other's first and only serious relationship) so I guess my children will be the same.

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 13:49

Yes he has a social life and is at Uni, enjoying his course. He goes to pubs and occasionally clubs, he lives in a mixed shared house so it's not as if he doesn't know how to be around girls. but somehow he doesn't 'connect' .

It was the same with this friendships at school, he was always very invested in having friends and very loyal but it didn't seem to be reciprocated - he never had a really close friend he could rely on.

OP posts:
Nam3Chang3Again · 09/02/2020 13:49

Has he said he wants a partner? I'm in my very late 20s and I've never had a relationship. That doesn't bother me at all but knowing that my parents wish I were different, however much they dress it up as concern, does not feel great. Relationships aren't for everybody.

bingbangbing · 09/02/2020 13:50

Sounds very normal and to be fair, you don't and shouldn't know what he's up to while he's away at uni!

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 13:53

Guiltyfeminist1 I've tried to keep out of it, I know there's nothing I can do to help him (different for a sister though) and I really don't want to be the sort of mum who pokes her nose in. I just love him and I want someone else to love him and be his true friend Sad

Dumbledoresgirl
His dad was in his 40's when we met and had only had 1 previous girlfriend so that worries me. He is a different character from his dad though

OP posts:
Settlersofcatan · 09/02/2020 13:54

I think there is a good chance he has had relationships at university that you don't know about. My parents were convinced I was celibate until I got married . This was not the case

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 13:56

He's not really 'away' at Uni though, he's in the same town and didn't want to go away.

Nam3Chang3Again No he hasn't said anything and I don't try to start the conversation, I think he would be really embarrassed but I do believe he wants a relationship because he is alone a lot.

He's perfect for a relationship really as he's a very calm person who likes cooking and going to the cinema and down the pub, not exactly the wild oats type!

OP posts:
Spanielmadness · 09/02/2020 13:58

My fiancée is 45. We’ve been together for about/almost 1.5 years roughly.....he never had a girlfriend before me. I thought it was a red flag and we were friends for a long time before I’d go out with him. He just never met anyone he clicked with. His parents are now very relieved!!

saraclara · 09/02/2020 14:00

I was 22 before I had a boyfriend! I was perfectly normal, apart from being a bit shy. My second boyfriend proved to be 'the one' and we were very happily married for 32 years until his death. So don't worry yet!

MitziK · 09/02/2020 14:01

Sounds a lot better than the 'we've been together since we were 16 and (partner/spouse is doing something abusive, coercive or simply plain lazy but 'they're all I've ever known')' posts or the ones where they've never actually experienced life outside school/college/university without somebody always there, so you suddenly find one of them deciding they're old before their time and leaving for a younger woman in the first year after a kid is born.

Yours could be happily knobbing his way around (or not), carefree in his youth and will quite possibly meet the person he wants to spend his life with once he's actually got that life and future sorted.

Wish I'd been sensible enough for that/hadn't met utter dicks who had a nose for the easily manipulated; I wouldn't have fucked up my education, career and the heads of two children who really shouldn't have been born had I remained without a 'serious' relationship until my mid-late twenties (or later).

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 14:01

Oh god Spaniel, I can't bear to think of him without alone for another 20 years!!

OP posts:
Flagg · 09/02/2020 14:01

I'm going to sound a bit harsh here, OP, but it's not the job of any young woman to devote herself to making your son happy and saving him from loneliness.

How would he improve the life of that hypothetical young woman?

daisypond · 09/02/2020 14:04

It’s fine. One of my daughters, now 22, beautiful and intelligent, has never had a boyfriend/ or girlfriend.

glittercandle · 09/02/2020 14:05

One of my friends didn’t have a girl friend until he was 34 - really nice guy just hadn’t found the right person. He’ll be 40 next month and is now happily married with two young children.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/02/2020 14:10

My friend’s dd didn’t have a boyfriend until 26. She is a sensitive person and didn’t want casual flings, and has always been a bit of an old soul, so maybe out of kilter with her peers. She met a really lovely man and is very happily settled.
She is clever, talented, funny, sociable, beautiful inside and out.

SimonJT · 09/02/2020 14:11

I was single until I was 26, being single doesn’t mean you’re lonely, unfulfilled etc.

BarbedBloom · 09/02/2020 14:14

My brother is 37 and single. He has dated, but never found anyone to settle with. However, my mum thought I was single at uni but I wasn't alone that often, I just never wanted to take any of them home to meet my family as I didn't want a long term thing at that point

ravenmum · 09/02/2020 14:17

I was very shy and it took me until age 23 to actually want to have a bf. My son is less shy but is also just making his first real attempts at dating at 20. My dad and brother were also very slow starters; as I said to my son, he evidently takes after our side of the family. I've been encouraging him to take things at his own pace.

In some ways it's actually quite useful not to have a partner at that age, as it means you can easily move to study or work if you want to. For me, being very shy and finding it hard to make new friends was far more of a problem.