20 year-old DS has never had a girlfriend

[FlourBug]

Anyone like to reassure/advise about this? DS will be 21 this year and has never had a girlfriend that I know of. I'm pretty sure I would know if he'd had even a slightly serious relationship.

Obviously he could be gay, but in that case he's never had a boyfriend that i know of either!

I know it's none of my business really but he seems so alone sometimes and i just want someone to come into his life who's really for him if you know what i mean?

Anyone's DH/DP/DS not have a girlfriend/boyfriend til quite late on but then became really happily settled??

It's seeing the loneliness in him that i find so hard
Why is he lonely, though? Because he has no partner or because he doesn't have many friends? You say he likes to stay in and cook, maybe he wishes he was out at the pub with a huge gang of mates?
I've always been very open to the kids about having been extremely shy at that age, and it's been quite useful as I've been able to talk to my son about trying to make more friends, without him feeling like he's weird. Do you think you could talk to him about his loneliness, without giving him the impression that you think he's deficient in some way? (Seems like that idea could be lurking at the back of your head somewhere?)

I am married and lonely.
Having a partner isn’t the key to not being lonely. The key is to go out, meet people, be involved in Uni life. And NOT going back home to mummy as a solution to all problems.

I've had relationships, and plenty of dalliances, that my parents have absolutely no knowledge of. It's not their business.

I’ve never had a boyfriend or relationship.

I’m 39

Agree with pp who have said that if he is lonely, the answer is not for him to find a girlfriend. It is not the job of a woman to meet his emotional needs in this way. In fact, dating for him at the moment may well end in disaster if he is not happy within himself first. My younger cousin was desperate for a girlfriend to fill an emotional hole in his life. He got overly attached to the first suitable woman he met. She, after a few weeks, sensibly realised that this was not the relationship for her, broke up with him and broke his heart.

OP you would be better placed encouraging your DS to develop a fulfilling and happy life .. hobbies, interests etc. If he meets someone to date along the way, that's great but he needs to be happy in himself before he can be a good partner to someone else.

You say your husband was a slow starter? Maybe he should be having this chat with his son? Or does he also see having no partner at 20 as something awful?

My ds is 22 and never had a girlfriend. He may have had sexual encounters, I’ve no idea and obviously would never ask. My dd is 24 and settled in a relationship, but had several boyfriends prior, so I think i noted it more because of that. He has friends though but lacks confidence. Can’t imagine him approaching a random girl to chat so I feel if he does start a relationship it would be with someone he already knows.

Don’t alienate him by drawing attention to it. Partly because I was overweight, (still am!) my mother fretted terribly that I’d end up “ on the shelf,” she was both wrong and did a lot of harm to my self esteem.

It’s true at 21 I wouldn’t necessarily be looking for a relationship as the answer, but as you get older friendships become less important than spouse/life partner and own family. And people start pairing off quite quickly IME. So I would encourage him to find somebody.

I know lots of men who had never had a girlfriend until they got to their twenties. My brother and partner being two of them, they just weren’t interested in relationships at a young age and enjoyed being with the ‘lads’.

So his housemates are all absorbed in their partners to the detriment of other friendships - and you want the same for him?

Encourage him to stay in shared accommodation for his third year. Encourage him to attend different activities/groups - not because it'll mean he'll find the last 21 year old spinster on campus who thinks he'll do so she doesn't have to be the only person left alone in her shared house on a Saturday night, but because he'll have things to do and activities where he's not dependent upon whether the others in the house are busy.

Encourage him to build on his taking that first step to independence.

After all, there's nothing attractive about somebody who moves back in with Mum because 'everybody else has a girlfriend/boyfriend'. DP wouldn't have met his XW although she probably wishes that were the case had he not stayed where he was - and didn't move straight back home after graduation, as she was in the year below.

If he doesn't meet somebody in the next year, he then has the freedom to move wherever he likes, take whatever job he wants, do anything without having to compromise.

Better to take that opportunity and freedom whilst he has it than to regret it later when he thinks he could have done 'something' more than move back home and get a job at the council for the next 40 years, only moving ten miles from where he was born looking at FIL here.

In a way I think his possible loneliness is a separate thing to whether he's had a girl/boyfriend. Many people never marry but have great friends and family and a fulfilling life. Whilst I agree with others that you can't do anything about his lack of a relationship, you can encourage him about friends and interests.

I didn't have my first boyfriend until my mid 20s and then met my ex-husband in my early 30s. I just wasn't interested in flings.

DS2's best friend didn't have a girlfriend of any sort until he was 22. That was three years ago. He met someone, it blossomed and they're now totally loved up with a new baby.

The young woman he fell for is a sweetheart and his family are thrilled. She's also gorgeous which for a young man who had no confidence or practice with girls I found surprising until I remembered my own youth and guessed she was sick of men valuing her mainly for her looks and fell for someone who loved her whole character.

Is your son perhaps the same sort?

Like you said OP, it’s none of your business.

Not everyone "needs" to have a boyfriend/ girlfriend to "complete" them. Some people are not going to be "lonely" or "alone" if they don't meet someone as they go along in life.

Someone can be alone and be very happy. Its just a different happy to what you expect them to be or think they should be. You can't shoehorn everyone into the same box.

Maybe he just doesn't want to find or have a partner yet because he just hasn't clicked with someone.

Maybe all the girls/ boys he meets are complete selfish shallow arseholes who only care about themselves and he can't be arsed to deal with their crap longterm! If so, you go boy!!!

My mum told me I never had to have a boyfriend, get engaged, married or have kids unless "I" wanted to. She didn't want me ending up trapped in a shitty relationship JUST because I thought I had to grow up to follow what other people expected me to do.

I was around 26 when I got my 1st real "boyfriend" and I'm still with him 22 years later.

I just wasn't interested in sharing my happy and valuable time with a "significant other" or just go out with someone long term for the sake of "having a boyfriend" because that is what people thought I was meant to do.

Got asked out a lot but frankly I felt nowt for the person doing the asking. I was merrily going through life with lots of pals and a very healthy social life and then got unexpectedly smacked in the face by the lurve bug (I actually walked face first into the poor man!).

Also having a girlfriend/ boyfriend doesn't instantly solve someones problems or take away their loneliness. It can even make things worse if they end up with the wrong person just to make their parents or friends happy by having said "girlfriend/ boyfriend" so it shuts them all up.

Would you rather he waits until he finds someone he can connect with on all levels and be happy being with or do you just want him to have any old person to call his "girlfriend/ boyfriend" so you can stop worrying that he isn't "normal"?

If it's the former, stop worrying! He will met someone when he meets them! Be happy when he is happy and be there when he is feeling low.

If it's the latter then..well... meh to you.

Do you think you could talk to him about his loneliness, without giving him the impression that you think he's deficient in some way? (Seems like that idea could be lurking at the back of your head somewhere?)

You could be right, that is at the heart of the worrying - that there's something others are picking up on that he isn't aware of. On the other hand i'm well aware that people of all kinds, all types, can find someone to be with.

I've probably given the wrong impression that i expect him to have found 'the one' and completely settle. I didn't mean to, just that I think he would be happy to have someone, even if it's a light-hearted, easy-going relationship with someone who cares about him.

Totally normal, I have 3 sons, the eldest is 20 and he was in a long term relationship from about aged 16, youngest ds just has his first gf at aged 17, but middle son as far as I know has not had any relationships despite being the most outgoing, good looking and generally the most amiable of the three. However he has had traumatic events happen to him and some health problems which I think may have affected his confidence to some extent.

Don’t alienate him by drawing attention to it. Partly because I was overweight, (still am!) my mother fretted terribly that I’d end up “ on the shelf,” she was both wrong and did a lot of harm to my self esteem.

yes, that's why I've avoided talking to him about it, I certainly don't want him to know that I'm worrying about it or to make him feel I don't want him to come round if he feels lonely. His self-esteem has definitely improved at Uni as he is doing well and he loves to be involved in projects.

When he was younger I used to try to encourage him to join things to help his social life. It never worked and made him irritable and defensive.

My friend hasn't either. He'll be 21 shortly. Just hasn't ever met anyone he's gelled with. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I've not had a relationship & I'm near on 40. Does that make me abnormal? I had relationships at school til late teens (not sexual) I'm perfectly happy in life & if it happens it does...

Maybe he's perfectly happy to just be himself?

So much pressure in society to be in a relationship. So many messages from society that it is expected to be in a relationship.

We talk about gender expectations. There are other expectations as well.

It’s not abnormal eeeek but if you WANT to be in a relationship it’s very painful.

I didn’t have boyfriends at school. Had a Casual boyfriend the first term, and then a far more serious one in my last year, that broke up over finals and then at graduation got together with my now husband, who’d been one of my best friends all through university.

I then went off to 2 different countries for the next 3 years. Not to escape, but because that’s what I had planned.

We’ve been together 25 years now - you don’t need to have had a serious partner from 15/16, I don’t think. But there was a lot of pressure to have a boyfriend .

I was the first of all my extended family to go to university, chose a university in a different country, then went off to another country for a couple years. But the only question ever asked was ‘have you got a boyfriend yet’.

I need to let it go, I realise 😉.

I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 20 and didn’t have any serious relationships until I met dh when I was 23. Now happily married at 33. I wouldn’t worry. Many of my friends were the same. As long as he is happy!

I remember at 18 I hadn’t had a boyfriend and I felt completely alone on that. I was just a late developer, painfully shy and didn’t really go out anywhere to meet anyone. Obviously times have changed and often people meet online which is think can be a fantastic way of meeting people if don’t safely. Looking back I still so young.

Maybe he just hasn’t met anyone?

My brother is 23 and has only just got a girlfriend. He’s had very brief flings before but nothing major.

I met ‘the one’ at 20 - nearly 21. I was never interested in flings. I wanted to meet someone to settle down with even at that age!