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Original poster

20 year-old DS has never had a girlfriend

160 replies

FlourBug · 09/02/2020 13:32

Anyone like to reassure/advise about this? DS will be 21 this year and has never had a girlfriend that I know of. I'm pretty sure I would know if he'd had even a slightly serious relationship.

Obviously he could be gay, but in that case he's never had a boyfriend that i know of either!

I know it's none of my business really but he seems so alone sometimes and i just want someone to come into his life who's really for him if you know what i mean?

Anyone's DH/DP/DS not have a girlfriend/boyfriend til quite late on but then became really happily settled?? Sad

OP posts:
PrinkingPreening · 09/02/2020 15:53

DH and I got together when we were both 25 and it was the first 'proper' relationship for both of us.

I had had a number of minor flings (none of which my parents knew about, incidentally). DH had never been on a date or snogged anyone. Lovely guy, plenty of friends, just very quiet and cautious and nerdy. We have been together happily for 20 years now and have 2 kids.

I agree that it can feel a bit lonely sometimes to be young and single, but it's better than being with the wrong person, and there's nothing wrong with being picky.

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 15:57

Good advice, Flicky, I will try to be very blase if (when!) he starts going out with someone and not make a big thing about it.

It’s kind of embarrassing you are writing about this really though. I can imagine you are one of those parents that really wants to be involved and noses into their adult children’s business

I swear i'm not one of those types, I don't want to know every detail of his life. on the other hand I don't think it's 'embarrassing' to care about whether your adult dc are happy or not, even if there's nothing you can actually do about it.

OP posts:
Mulledwineinajug · 09/02/2020 16:01

Why can’t you bear to think of him not having a partner?

My mum was like this, thought it was the be all and end all and made me feel I wasn’t worthwhile unless I found a partner. Not sure she cared whether I liked them as long as I had one.

In the nicest possible way, you’re being a bit odd about it. He’s only in his twenties! And if he never meets anyone so what?

Knittingnanny · 09/02/2020 16:05

I agree though with keeping quiet, I never ask if he’s seeing someone. If my mother had done that I’d have just said no as I wouldn’t want an inquisition. Doesn’t mean we can’t worry though

Knittingnanny · 09/02/2020 16:06

I just want mine all to be happy, for all I know he might be the happiest out of all of my children. However, he has been ill a couple of times in the last year needing brief hospital stays and I was really sad that he had no one caring about his well being apart from his parents

SpaceCadet4000 · 09/02/2020 16:07

This sounds totally normal and not something to worry about in the slightest. Honestly, it's probably best that his formative years aren't being spent on a person or people he cares little about if he's fine in himself. I know way too many people whose relationships at that age were dysfunctional, miserable or distracting.

My brother is 25 and hasn't had a girlfriend yet. I'd been on dates but my first real relationship was my now DH who I met at 22. I was very driven and I didn't have the headspace for a relationship. It was only because I took a year out with a non-career job that I chilled enough to really date someone!

firsttimemomx · 09/02/2020 16:08

Honestly I'm 21 this year (and although my situation is VERY different - pregnant, engaged, house etc) a lot of people I know around my age have never had a proper relationship, it is completely normal! And tbh those that do seem to end up meeting their boyfriends/girlfriends in night clubs or actively looking for a relationship over social media etc, if he's quite a chill person he probably just hasn't had the chance to meet someone yet. I wouldn't worry Smile

dontgobaconmyheart · 09/02/2020 16:09

OP I'd just leave him/this alone- you know plenty of people like being single and do so through choice, being in a relationship isn't a requirement of life. It doesn't sound like he is lonely if he socialises, has family and friends etc so why project?

He is a fully grown adult so if he wanted to date he could do so, theres plenty to of options available to him. Do you think that someone is not complete without their 'other half' in life, or that lifes real meaning is being in a relationship? We're whole people in our own, that just isn't a thing.

You might hate his partner if/when he gets one anyway, or it may not end well etc. 'True friends' really don't need to be romantic.

KangaandRooandPigletToo · 09/02/2020 16:10

I don’t think it matters if people stay single forever or marry at 16 and are never single, it’s whatever makes them happy. But if it makes you feel any better...

I met my partner when he was 33, before our first date he had had 4 dates, two with the same woman, the other two didn’t go past the first date. He wasn’t lonely or lacking in confidence or anything, he had a great life, good friends, good family, good job etc he just didn’t want lots of short lived relationships. He only went on dates with women he liked and didn’t do second dates if he couldn’t see himself in a long term relationship with them. We’ve now been together for 11 years and we are really happy.

Also he may be gay and not ready to tell you, may be asexual, may be dating casually, may not feel now is the right time for a girlfriend.

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 16:11

Knittingnanny I hope he's ok now? I know exactly how you feel Flowers

OP posts:
undercoveraessedai · 09/02/2020 16:11

Oh god Spaniel, I can't bear to think of him without alone for another 20 years!!

Has it occurred to you he might like being alone and not want to put himself through dating crap? It took me two relationships to realise I really, really don't want a partner. Please don't pressure him, life is about more than finding a partner!

waltzingparrot · 09/02/2020 16:20

I didn't have my first proper boyfriend till I was 24. At 26 I met DH but we didn't marry till I was 32 and didn't have children till I was 38 and 42.

So it can all happen, just happen later than your desired timetable.

My mother's constant soundtrack to my life was...

a) I don't think she'll ever have a boyfriend
b) I didn't think she'd ever have a boyfriend
c) I don't think I'm ever going to be a grandma
d) I didn't think I was ever going to be a grandma

Please don't do this - it's very very irritating and may slightly damage your relationship.

Rubytoosday · 09/02/2020 16:21

I didn’t have a bf until I was 31 and married (someone else) last year aged 43. I was picky, I was a late starter, I wasn’t interested in flings and all the other things people on here have described.
I was also sometimes very lonely - mainly at the age when all my friends were settling down and having children - but then discovered a great and much more varied social life in my thirties. During this time I also established a good career and a lovely home for myself and have a past I look back on with pride (my now husband was doing similar things). I have also learned that very few people reach their mid forties completely unscathed by loneliness or bad times so what I went through with loneliness has taught me what my peers who were initially luckier in relationships have learned through other difficult times.
What made me lack confidence and feel an unloveable freak were people who pathologised or often questioned my singleness and turned it into a problem. When I was your son’s age my aunt would constantly ask why I had no boyfriend and then imagine reasons why I didn’t - none of which were true and there was never any single reason. My mum married relatively late for her time and class and both my parents wanted me to be happy. They are now thrilled I’ve found my soul mate and could see I wanted to meet someone but were also pleased I was creating a good life on my own and waiting for someone suitable for me than making a mess of my life with the wrong person.
So I completely understand your concern for your son’s happiness and not wanting him to be lonely ..... but for me the cure for loneliness was initially through making my social circle work for me and only much later meeting a partner. I have many single friends in their 40s and 50s who are happy .... and many married friends whose happiness is questionable.
Don’t ever let your son think you see him as abnormal in any way for not having a partner as when adults or friends around me did that it killed what little confidence I had. Key was seeing myself as normal and accepted and that gave me the freedom to explore and in fact eventually find a partner (though I imagine it horrifies you it took so long!).
Everyone does this in their own time (or not at all) and happiness is far more than a relationship. To some, happiness is not being in a relationship. It’s good that there is less and less pressure to couple up, as that often didn’t end well for those born in the 60s and before and even for my generation born in the 70s.
I’m sure you must worry as any parent would but 20 seems laughably young to me. He’s got absolutely loads of time. I wish him well in finding a path that’s just right for him and you in supporting him on that path. Life’s hard but we all have to go through some tough stuff at some stage and all’s well that ends well in my view!

Knittingnanny · 09/02/2020 16:29

Flourbag, he is thank you. I don’t worry about my other adult children and step children as they all live with someone who loves them and cares for them as much as their parents do if you see what I mean.

BlueHarry · 09/02/2020 16:34

A friend of mine met her first a couple of years ago, she was in her late 20s at the time. They're still together. I didn't start dating until I was about 19/20 so fairly late in life. My only proper relationship is with dp. We've been together for 11 years, since I was 21.

Male friend of mine got his first girlfriend at age 25. Now he's 27 and with his second girlfriend and it looks like they're very happy.

I don't think you need to worry, some of us are just a bit slower when it comes to this stuff.

Lojoh · 09/02/2020 16:34

I think anything up to 25 ish is quite common; it's just that people who haven't don't go on about it much so we get a skewed idea.

But is weird how sometimes people don't seem to ever click into it. We have a friend who has never had a partner that we know of (all been friends 20+ years since teens). I can't understand it! He's a great guy and tbh I would! (I won't, I'm married, but UKWIM) None of the usual reasons apply to him; it just somehow hasn't worked out that way. I guess it happens sometimes.

BlueHarry · 09/02/2020 16:34

I mean fairly late in life compared to the norm/average* for myself

ShinyGiratina · 09/02/2020 16:34

I was 20 before any kind of romantic interest kicked in for me. There was a brief dalliance over a few weeks then realised he was mucking me about, got my brain into gear and moved on. Then several months later, the attraction between DH and I developed (we were already friends). That was nearly half a lifetime ago Confused Grin

It's healthy not to rush into relationships just because. So many people panic that they've been left behind, get into a crap relationship and either get stuck in it, or it sets a ropey standard to judge the next few experiences of.

I think DH (older) had had a few brief dabbles before me, but nothing serious, and it has been a benefit that we entered a relationship being very comfortable being ourselves, and pretty much no baggage.

It's fine to be an introvert and have low-key, hands off friendships and time alone. It's an underacknowledged fact. I do rate getting to meet people through doing a shared interest though as it gives something to bond over and time to realise other areas of compatability.

QueenOfOversharing · 09/02/2020 16:38

I read your OP & my stomach lurched. I have wanted to post for a while about my DS who is 21, but I'm terrified of being judged or told I'm a shit mum. DS lives at home - was at uni, but just told me a couple of weeks ago he lost his place. He had a p/t job but didn't pass the 90 day probation. He doesn't go out. He is addicted to online gaming. He doesn't have any friends and less likelihood of a 'girl' in his life. There is so much other background, I don't want to detail your thread, but I spend a lot of time worrying & trying to suggest stuff. I really understand how you might feel.

Xylophonics · 09/02/2020 16:45

A friend didn't have a girlfriend until he was in his 30s. He then had one short lived relationship and then met someone and got married and had kids quite quickly.

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 16:47

I'm sorry Queen, that is a lot to worry about and don't bother about derailing, just post anyway Smile. I really feel for you and think it puts my worrying far more into perspective as apart from the relationship thing ds is doing very well.

OP posts:
Oly4 · 09/02/2020 16:49

If he’s happy none of this really matters

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 16:49

I'm glad I posted actually, a lot of very positive posts here that have helped me to stop feeling so negative about it

OP posts:
confusedofengland · 09/02/2020 17:01

This was me! Up to the age of 22 (just a couple of weeks off of 23) I only ever had 1 relationship of any length & that was only 3 months. I had a couple of casual relationships of maybe a couple of weeks, but that was it. I'm sure my mum was worried, but she didn't need to be. I was happy as I was!

Then I met DH & we have been together ever since (nearly 20 years).

Quite different to my mum, who met my dad at 14, married him at 16 & had a child at 17. Or my sister who had a string of long-term (months or years) relationships from 14/15 & brought each one home to meet us, before finally settling down with BIL around age 25. None of us did it wrong though, all just our own way.

VioletCharlotte · 09/02/2020 17:10

DS2 is 19 and never has a proper gf (he had 'gfs' in year 6 and 7, but I don't really count that). He's got lots of mates, sporty, very happy. He says he just can't be bothered with the hassle. There seems to be so much angst with relationships these days, this need to be constantly in contact, etc. I can see why he feels like this.

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