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Original poster

20 year-old DS has never had a girlfriend

160 replies

FlourBug · 09/02/2020 13:32

Anyone like to reassure/advise about this? DS will be 21 this year and has never had a girlfriend that I know of. I'm pretty sure I would know if he'd had even a slightly serious relationship.

Obviously he could be gay, but in that case he's never had a boyfriend that i know of either!

I know it's none of my business really but he seems so alone sometimes and i just want someone to come into his life who's really for him if you know what i mean?

Anyone's DH/DP/DS not have a girlfriend/boyfriend til quite late on but then became really happily settled?? Sad

OP posts:
Slomi · 09/02/2020 14:18

Some people are not interested in being in a relationship unless it's someone who is worth giving up your independence for. I had one serious boyfriend from age 19-22. I was then single from then until I met DP at 26 and we have been together ever since. I rarely dated people in between and I broke it off with all of them after about 2 weeks each time as I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't lonely or unhappy and if I never met DP I'd probably still be happily tipping along. Please don't make an issue out of it, for all you know your son is perfectly happy as he is.

MsChatterbox · 09/02/2020 14:18

I was my husband's first girlfriend at 20. He was married at the age of 23 Grin

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 14:19

She is a sensitive person and didn’t want casual flings, and has always been a bit of an old soul, so maybe out of kilter with her peers.

I would say that describes him to a T SirVix so that is a bit of hope!

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 09/02/2020 14:20

My DD is 22 and has never had a boyfriend. She is not gay because she has told me so. She has a huge group of friends, both male and female, and is tall and gorgeous but she is just too independent and keen to do things her way to be encumbered by anyone else at this point in her life. She finds it hilarious that I was married at her age and cannot imagine it at all!

EmrysAtticus · 09/02/2020 14:20

I had my first boyfriend at 20. Second at 22 and married him at 25. It's unusual but certainly not unheard of. I do think that going way to university and living in halls helps though.

NomDeDieu · 09/02/2020 14:20

Me.

Didn’t have a bf until much much later on than that.
Just leave him to it.

As for ‘not bearing the thought of him being alone for another 20 yrs’....

  • you can be happy and fulfilled AND single.
  • he shouldn’t need a woman to look after him
  • it’s not women’s role to fulfil the emotional needs of men
  • it’s his life, not yours. Up to him to live it his way
  • you can more lonely in a relationship than alone
Ariela · 09/02/2020 14:20

I think it's more normal these days to get dating later, as the internet has led to more online interactions and less going out anyway.

gerbo · 09/02/2020 14:20

I was a late starter. No boys at all until university, flings and fun through that and first proper boyfriend at 21.

I'm eternally grateful that my parents didn't quiz me about it and let me just be myself. I was so busy studying hard and had a lovely busy life with friends, from 16-21. Don't worry!

jimmyjammy001 · 09/02/2020 14:21

Yeah agree with everyone else, most likely seeing someone or some people at uni, but like others I would not bring them back or tell the parents about them, private life without parents interfering is good, when he finds the right one then you will probs get introduced to them, but not before I'm afraid.

Double3xposure · 09/02/2020 14:22

My DD is a 21 year old uni student and only one girl out of all her large groups of friends and classmates is in a serious relationship. And they talk of her as if they feel slightly sorry for her “ oh it’s a shame Emma can’t come because she has to go home to see her BF”.

So being in a relationship isn’t a Big Thing in their age group. They prefer to socialise in big groups. As long as your son has a good social life, I wouldn’t worry.

And if he doesn’t, encourage him to join some uni clubs / take up a new sport etc. There’s loads of clubs do more than going to the pub and getting drunk.

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 14:22

Please don't make an issue out of it, for all you know your son is perfectly happy as he is.

He isn't though, and that is the issue - if I could see he was perfectly happy as he is I would also be perfectly happy. It's seeing the loneliness in him that i find so hard

OP posts:
gerbo · 09/02/2020 14:22

(I'm now happily married with kids and am 42, if that helps.) I agree that this generation do things even later than we did, and that's ok. Much better than obsessing about being settled by 21 as my mum's generation seemed to be!

ValancyRedfern · 09/02/2020 14:22

I didn't have a boyfriend till I was 24. Totally normal.

bridgetreilly · 09/02/2020 14:23

He's only 20, for pete's sake. You want him to find someone to love and settle down with, great, but he's still VERY young for that. And having a string of relationships that didn't work out isn't actually the best preparation for a relationship that does work out. Just relax and stop worrying about it.

HighNetGirth · 09/02/2020 14:24

Don’t assume your DS is lacking in some way. Maybe it is just that his age cohort at school was crappy (speaks from experience). Then it takes a while to catch up at University (more experience).

DearGod1 · 09/02/2020 14:24

I wish I'd never had a bf at uni or at that age.

More hassle than it was worth

bridgetreilly · 09/02/2020 14:24

If he's lonely now, a far better solution would be for him to find a circle of friends of both sexes. But again, he's an adult, he has to do that for himself.

sonjadog · 09/02/2020 14:25

It is very normal. I work with this age group and I reckon at least half if not more have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend. Doesn't been they haven't had a snog or even that they´re virgins, but it is really very normal not to be in a relationship at twenty.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/02/2020 14:27

Please stay out of it.

I was never so mortified as when I overheard my mother telling my younger brother (who was about 15 at the time to my 17) to take me out to one of his clubs as 'I had no friends'.

I had plenty, I just didn't socialise during my downtime (ie, when I was at home).

I went on to marry three times. I bet she wished she'd never spoken!

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 14:28

I do think that going way to university and living in halls helps though

I tried to encourage him to go away to Uni but he wouldn't have it. I was amazed when he said he was going into a house-share but very glad that he wanted more independence and for a while it was a relief as I didn't worry so much about him.

Now it looks as if his housemates have paired up and he's started turning up at home more and more for meals or just company. It's quite likely he will move back in for the final year and I will find myself worrying about him constantly again. Sad

OP posts:
Slomi · 09/02/2020 14:29

Might I suggest so OP that you could gently encourage him to join something like Meetup? Not to find a relationship but to encourage him to put himself out there in social situations a bit more. It's not a dating website, it is for meeting people with similar interests. When I moved to a new city, I went to an art meetup, a board game meet up, a hillwalking one and a film one. I made some great friends who I'm still close with, broadened my social circle and inadvertently met my DP through one of my new friends some time later. I don't think it sounds like he needs a relationship as such, it sounds more like he is stuck in a little bit of a rut socially in general.

MegaClutterSlut · 09/02/2020 14:30

I think it's normal and I wouldn't be worrying just yet, 20 is still very young. My DB is 32 and has never had a GF that I know of. He does just literally work and then goes home. He has liked girls in the past but has never acted on his feelings probably where he's inexperienced. I do hope he finds someone though at some point to share his life with

PersephonePitstop · 09/02/2020 14:31

My DS is coming up for 24 and has never had a girlfriend. He’s good-looking, out-going, in full employment, lives independently and has a busy social life.

He loves travelling but his last two trips have been solo ones.

He has AS so will no doubt find things harder but DD keeps me posted on what he’s up to and apparently there’s 2 girls chasing him.

I can’t imagine him being in a relationship and accept that it may not be for him but he’s young yet and has his whole life ahead of him.

I certainly would have been worrying about him at 20.

Adelais · 09/02/2020 14:32

My brother is 21 and only just got his first girlfriend a few months ago and I was 22 when I got my first proper boyfriend. Lots of young people are more interested in friends, studying etc. He’s still young!

Echobelly · 09/02/2020 14:32

I think the main thing is how he feels about this? You say he's unhappy, but is it about the relationship thing?

What might help him most is to make sure he knows he can find fulfillment in other things so he isn't feeling that 'things would be better if only i had a girlfriend'

SIL is in her early 30s and has never had a partner as far as anyone knows - she is stunning and very talented and lovely, but she's pretty happy as she is, though I think she would like to have a relationship when she meets the right person.

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