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Original poster

20 year-old DS has never had a girlfriend

160 replies

FlourBug · 09/02/2020 13:32

Anyone like to reassure/advise about this? DS will be 21 this year and has never had a girlfriend that I know of. I'm pretty sure I would know if he'd had even a slightly serious relationship.

Obviously he could be gay, but in that case he's never had a boyfriend that i know of either!

I know it's none of my business really but he seems so alone sometimes and i just want someone to come into his life who's really for him if you know what i mean?

Anyone's DH/DP/DS not have a girlfriend/boyfriend til quite late on but then became really happily settled?? Sad

OP posts:
karencantobe · 09/02/2020 17:23

To those saying older people jumped into relationships, there is a good reason for this. When I was young "nice" women did not have one night stands. So if you wanted sex you had to have a relationship. Most like me had a 1 or 2 serious relationships, and others that you always knew you were never going to settle down with, but you liked each other, hung out together and had sex. These days that is friends with benefits.

WildRosie · 09/02/2020 17:25

I often wonder where I went wrong. I'm in the same position as the OP's son, except that I'm more than twice his age ! Unlucky, unpopular, unattractive - who knows ? I hope he is happy, whatever the state of his personal relationships, now and in the future. I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone else.

CeriBerry · 09/02/2020 17:31

I’m 29 next month OP and have never had a boyfriend. I’m desperately lonely and want one more than anything else, but it’s just not happening. Thanks for making me feel even more unworthy as a person than I already do!

Luckystar777 · 09/02/2020 17:33

OH for goodness sake, maybe he's just not interested at the moment, leave him to do his own thing! He may never want someone and that's fine or he may and that's fine too!

QueenOfOversharing · 09/02/2020 17:34

@CeriBerry why has the OP "made you feel even more unworthy"? They are not saying anything other than showing genuine concern.

karencantobe · 09/02/2020 17:34

When you say you haven't got a boyfriend, do you mean you have never met the one?

Sarzy82 · 09/02/2020 17:44

Some people are never interested in sex or relationships and that's ok. Just let him be. Unless you've asked him outright if he wants a relationship you dont know that he does.

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 17:46

CeriBerry that certainly wasn't my intention. I don't think of him or anyone else as 'unworthy' because they're not in a relationship. In fact, you only have to read a few threads on mumsnet to know that a lot of unworthy people have partners - people who are abusive, mean with money, unfaithful, uncaring etc

My ds is very worthy, he is caring and decent and i'm sure you are too.

OP posts:
Knittingnanny · 09/02/2020 17:48

I think that some of the other threads I’ve read on mumsnet in the past, about having a relationship with a man who as never been in a relationship before, have stuck in my mind though.
I’ve read about women who have asked for advice on here and people have responded in some ways which worried me about my son. Eg, there must be something wrong with him if he has never been in a relationship, or, he has no idea how to be a partner, or I couldn’t be bothered to teach someone how to be a good partner etc.

karencantobe · 09/02/2020 18:03

But you need to let him live his life. He will make mistakes, we all do. But as long as it is not major stuff like getting into drugs or going to prison, then it is just part of life.
I would heavily encourage him not to move home though. For someone who is already shy that can make it to tempting to do less social stuff. He would be better off in a new house share.
You could tell him that in surveys the loneliest people are very elderly people, and people in their early twenties. He is not alone. It is a difficult lonely time for a lot of people.

CeriBerry · 09/02/2020 18:13

Sorry OP, it was wrong of me to accuse you of making me feel unworthy. Please accept my apologies!

Touched a nerve because that is how I feel. Not far off 30 and no one is ever interested. I feel ugly, worthless and completely unworthy- not to mention horrendously lonely! It consumes me.

However at 21, I highly doubt your son feels any of these things. He has plenty of time to find somebody and I’m sure he will over the next few years. Alternatively, he might not be bothered. And that’s ok too.

Sorry again.

MerryDeath · 09/02/2020 18:21

BIL was ~26 yo before he met his first girlfriend. he's not weird or anything and his gf is lovely/also normal.

Sunflower20 · 09/02/2020 18:23

Er.....that's completely normal.

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 18:30

CeriBerry please don't apologise, i'm just really sorry for what you have to bear, loneliness is so hard and so little recognised in our society, it can really eat away at your soul.

I hope you will meet someone soon , you're not 30 yet and there's lots of examples here to show there's still plenty of time for you Smile

OP posts:
wannabeadored · 09/02/2020 18:33

just leave him be ,

my DH was late 20s and I was his first serious relationship .

YouCannotBeeSerious · 09/02/2020 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

justwatchingtv · 09/02/2020 18:40

That is fucking disgusting, youcannot

karencantobe · 09/02/2020 18:42

@CeriBerry I admit I find it hard to understand your situation. I understand not finding anyone you are interested in who is also interested in you. But you say no one is interested in you. I am not attractive and fat, but I don't think it is hard at all to get a boyfriend. It is hard to find someone good enough though.
If you really are not getting anyone showing any interest in you ever, then I think you might benefit from exploring this with a therapist. Because what I suspect is happening is that you are giving out body language of you are not interested in anyone at all, and people are picking up on that.
It really is not about looks. Sure you won't get really handsome blokes flirting with you if you are not really pretty. But lots of men are not that great looking either.

CallofDoodee · 09/02/2020 18:48

He is 20 not 50! Loads of women and men haven't had a proper relationship by then, I hadn't and neither had a lot of my friends. Don't worry about it.

marns · 09/02/2020 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coffeeandtv1983 · 09/02/2020 18:54

I didn’t have a boyfriend til I was 27. I was quite shy but also in a friendship group where everyone else was in a long term relationship so it was harder to meet new single people. When I met my now husband at 27 everything clicked into place. We have 2 kids, mortgage the works and are happy. I had a lot of anguish over being single so long but it’s now a distant memory.

YouCannotBeeSerious · 09/02/2020 18:55

JustwatchingTV

I guess sarcasm's not a strong point of yours then?! Biscuit

Standrewsschool · 09/02/2020 18:57

I joked to a work colleague that my DS will be 40 year ipold virgins, currently aged 20 and 17. It’s quite reassuring to read this thread.

justwatchingtv · 09/02/2020 19:01

MNHQ obviously don’t get sarcasm either.

YouCannotBeeSerious · 09/02/2020 19:03

MN don't get a lot of things...