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Original poster

20 year-old DS has never had a girlfriend

160 replies

FlourBug · 09/02/2020 13:32

Anyone like to reassure/advise about this? DS will be 21 this year and has never had a girlfriend that I know of. I'm pretty sure I would know if he'd had even a slightly serious relationship.

Obviously he could be gay, but in that case he's never had a boyfriend that i know of either!

I know it's none of my business really but he seems so alone sometimes and i just want someone to come into his life who's really for him if you know what i mean?

Anyone's DH/DP/DS not have a girlfriend/boyfriend til quite late on but then became really happily settled?? Sad

OP posts:
Blobby10 · 09/02/2020 14:59

My eldest is 24 this year and never had a girlfriend - well, not a proper one. He had a 'GF' when he was 15, for three weeks and fell head over heels for her. She dumped him and he was distraught. Then her friend said if he bought her some very expensive perfume (£50) then she would date him again. He did. She didn't. He said at the time he would never have a girlfriend as he couldn't bear to go through it again. And he hasn't. I'm gutted for him as he's a lovely young man- fiercely loyal, kind and loving but so lacking in self confidence. I just hope that theres a loving young woman out there who will be what he needs (and that he can be what she needs!)

category12 · 09/02/2020 14:59

Chill your boots, he sounds a nice lad who will find someone in his own good time. He's only 20, fgs.

ravenmum · 09/02/2020 14:59

Maybe your son takes after you in the "overthinking things" department, like mine takes after me? :) He had some counselling a few years back to help with his self-esteem (with school exams) and that really helped generally.

They are adults now, and need to figure things out for themselves - we can offer ideas and encouragement, but when I look back to my youth, I remember realising that I was excessively shy, and doing things to try to solve the problem. And I still feel proud that I took action and came up with ideas myself. Now my son is also taking control of his life. Like your son, choosing shared housing - might not have worked out exactly as he hoped, but he came up with the idea and did it. You can just encourage him to keep on going.

Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 15:00

It’s not abnormal..but if you WANT to be in a relationship it’s very painful

That's right

OP posts:
Original poster
FlourBug · 09/02/2020 15:03

Maybe your son takes after you in the "overthinking things" department, like mine takes after me?

I don't doubt it ravenmum! Smile

OP posts:
Butterfly84 · 09/02/2020 15:04

I have had several friends and know of many people well into their 20s who have not had sex/been in a relationship. It's often a choice. You can be very happy on your own, it's not mandatory to be 'in a relationship'.

It's not weird or anything of the sort. It's about respecting yourself and knowing what you want.

He may have had sexual encounters, he may have not...and really, it doesn't matter. Let him live his life. If he is as lonely as you say, have you encouraged him to go out with friends? Asked him if he wants to invite friends over to the house?

I would personally be focussing on making sure he's happy...not his relationship status.

ravenmum · 09/02/2020 15:09

My dad always talked about how extremely shy he was as a young man - he is still a quiet type, but makes friends through rambling and his unfashionable model railway obsession :)
It really helps to have an adult role model, to give you hope that you'll grow past it too.

lorettalemon · 09/02/2020 15:14

I think the bigger concern is perhaps is he feeling down because he feels lonely? Hence turning up at home for company. I think it's neither here nor there if he hasn't found a girlfriend or possibly boyfriend who he clicks with, but I'd be more concerned if he's got enough friends or good ones. Is he lacking in confidence to go out and socialise generally? I think the best thing for him is to get involved in activities/sports/hobbies/volunteering/work experience type things where hopefully he will make friends along the way and if he finds a romantic partner then good for him, if not then it really doesn't matter. Relationships when studying aren't necessarily a good thing - I let myself down in my degree because I was distracted with relationships and getting upset about them

LondonJax · 09/02/2020 15:14

I wouldn't worry about it. Both DH and I only started dating when we were 20 and 19 respectively (not each other - we didn't meet until I was in my late 30s).

I married at 21 (that was a mistake and a half...), divorced at 38 and met DH when I was 39. DH never married before me, lived with one woman for five years but other than that the longest relationship was 18 months. He and I have been together for 18 years this year.

Knittingnanny · 09/02/2020 15:16

I get why you are concerned. My youngest son is 28, single, no girlfriend or boyfriend, but is sociable and lives in a flat share. I worry that he doesn’t have anyone in his life who loves him as much as I do! His older siblings all are married with families and I worry he may be lonely as his single friends are gradually pairing off.

Northernparent68 · 09/02/2020 15:18

Op, your son needs a mother not a friend.

VirtualHamster · 09/02/2020 15:19

I wouldn't think it's unusual at all. If he's unhappy/lonely that's another thing, but I don't think a relationship is necessarily the answer you think it is.

I know very few people at university who had relationships of sufficient seriousness that their parents would be aware!

Jux · 09/02/2020 15:20

I don't think I ever brought an actual boyfriend home until I was in my 30s, because I simply wasn't that serious about any of them, so why would I bother introducing them to my family? One I brought home by mistake - still not sure exactly how that happened, and I was very pissed off and dumped him as a result; the other was my dh.

TwilightPeace · 09/02/2020 15:23

Why do you want him to find a partner? Maybe he can be happy on his own. Not everyone is desperate to be in a couple.
His life is his own and you shouldn’t worry about whether he is single or in a relationship. Your only concern should be his happiness.

vdbfamily · 09/02/2020 15:24

my husband and I met in our 30's and neither of us had had previous relationships. My two oldest nephews are good looking boys in their 20's and neither have had a girlfriend yet. Personally I think it is healthy and I get annoyed with the threads where parents are leaving condom's lying around for their 14/15 year olds to make sure they are safe. Surely that puts pressure on kids to think that even their parents think they should be dating and having sex. Far better to have good strong friendships until you meet someone who you really really like.

Reginabambina · 09/02/2020 15:25

Not everyone needs to be with someone all the time. Not to mention most girls in his age range looking for a serious relationship are likely to be looking for men who are a bit older. Is it possible that he’s just waiting until his peers catch up with him or that he’s just focusing on his studies? I’ve spent only like three months of my adult life single and even I know that relationships really aren’t everything.

cosytoaster · 09/02/2020 15:29

I have two late teens/early twenties DSs neither of whom have had a partner or any kind of relationship. It used to concern me but neither seems at all bothered and are happy as they are. I think if it mattered that much they would do something about it.

LH1987 · 09/02/2020 15:34

I never had a boyfriend till I was 21, I had a great social life, loads of male friends, lots of interest from men just didn't happen for me. First boyfriend at 21, he is now my husband, I am 32 and pregnant and very happy.

TeaAndCake321 · 09/02/2020 15:35

My brother never had a girlfriend until he was 21/22, he was a geek all through school and college so he didn’t really get anywhere. My mum seriously asked me when he was away at uni if I thought he was gay (I’m a few years younger) I said no I’m pretty sure he’s not (I’d found the magazines he had hidden under his bed whilst he was away, deffo straight 😆)! When he did eventually get a gf my mum was telling my aunty and my uncle blurted out “really? We always thought he was gay!” Anyway he married his first ever gf, he isn’t gay, just maybe socially awkward and shy with women.

I think 21 is still pretty young anyway and who knows he might well have relationships you just aren’t aware of them. It’s kind of embarrassing you are writing about this really though. I can imagine you are one of those parents that really wants to be involved and noses into their adult children’s business, my in laws were like that when I got with my husband aged 21 (although he’d had a string of gfs before!). I’d just keep out of his personal business, I’m sure he’ll show up with a woman or man at some point and your questions will be answered.

PlumsGalore · 09/02/2020 15:41

Mum of DS 26 and DD 23 here. They don’t do the relationship thing like we did these days a lot of the time.

DS has had three long term GFs. DD has had one boyfriend. They both have friends that have never had a relationship, attractive intelligent outgoing people that just haven’t clicked.

I do think online dating and Apps are something to blame for this, all that swiping and rejecting and not going beyond looks. I love it when people meet at work or a hobby, so much more sincere.

Greenpop21 · 09/02/2020 15:45

DD is 19 and apart from a brief relationship at 16, never had a bf. She went to a girls’ secondary school so had lower contact with boys . Now at uni and having a great time. Not concerned. She won’t date just anyone and I think she’s right to be picky. What’s the rush?

Mummyzzz044 · 09/02/2020 15:47

Aw he does sound lovely. Not many lads his age are so relaxed and COOKING. My dp was single for 10 years before we met.
Wouldn't approach a girl unless he was sure she was interested.

Maybe hes shy. He will find someone eventually.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 09/02/2020 15:48

You happiness may not be his happiness.

MY MIL is obsessing over my partners brother not having anyone, literally loosing sleep. To the extent he got into a really shit relationship just to make her happy. The woman was abusive, but MIL was upset when it ended and cried because she was worried he was single again. So as someone said, help him be happy on his own, not everyone is happier in a relationship and the fact you think the opposite puts pressure on him to find just anyone, not necessarily the right person.

FlickyEyeliner · 09/02/2020 15:49

I was a proper late starter- 25 before I kissed anyone and met my DH at 28.

It's so hard because you know that there is nothing you can do, if they would like to meet someone. I knew that my Mum knew I was unhappy (because I truly was) but talking about it never made it better.

From someone who was in your son's position, please don't be overly enthusiastic if he happens to be going out (mine used to make it such a big deal).

SinglePringle · 09/02/2020 15:51

Blimey. Let him be (I know you’ve not spoken to him about it - just advise to not)

I had ALL the relationships between 16 and 30. One lasted 8 years. I’ve been single (bar a year long bad idea...) for 20 years. If someone came along, lovely. But the prevalence of dick pics and ‘send me a nude’ texts puts me off.

I have a great social life, a lovely home and successful career.

His future may not be what you expect and you’re going to have to learn to accept that.