Why does MN not like SAHMs?

[Didthatreallyhappen2]

This baffles me (and I haven't posted in AIBU as I know the vitriol that arises there sometimes). I'm proudly an SAHM. Friends are equally proudly working mums. I don't care what they are, as long as they are decent human beings. They don't judge me, and I don't judge them.

But on MN it seems that SAHMs are looked down on. My DH and I have a partnership - he earns the money and I do everything (and I mean everything) at home, all the domestic tasks, school-related etc etc. We both work full time, but I don't get paid, or have an annual review, or bonuses or whatever. It works for us.

Everything in our household is joint - and yet on MN SAHMs are continually lambasted for not having their own money, prospects, wasted their education, not a good role model etc etc. Why? I truly don't understand this.

Mumsnet doesn’t like anybody!

I think @plombear hit the nail on the head, mn doesn't like anyone.

Good point - hadn't thought of that!

It's not the Borg. Everyone gets shit on here.

Try being a stepmum. Or a MIL. Or a Tory. Or a man!

Honestly who cares. If you're happy you don't need to justify it to anybody. I was just reading a thread about a woman wanting her third section and people were not nice.

Most decisions come with risks, you evaluate and make your mind up you don't need to explain it

In the same situation. My partner works, I am a stay at home parent. I have felt judged both on mums net and real life.

Thing is years ago being a stay at home parent would have been the norm. People often can’t afford to stay at home anymore but if your partner earns enough for your family to live on and you’re both happy. Who cares? I have learnt that you can’t really win whatever you do!

I think there is an element of jealousy in that they are seen as having an easier life. And from some people, genuine concern that they are more vulnerable financially.

My children are 21 and 23 and when they were babies I worked part-time but lots of my friends didn't work at all. Some never returned to the workplace and nobody judged them.

@annelovesgilbert.

I think that many posters are concerned that a SAHM is leaving herself financially vulnerable. If you split up with your DH in future, you may well find yourself financially disadvantaged from your years out of paid employment. As MN is a female dominated space, they want to warn you about this, especially if they’ve experienced it themselves. I honestly believe that it often comes from a good place, although it may feel patronising to you.

SAHMs are continually lambasted for not having their own money, prospects, wasted their education,

Everyone should have a way of supporting themselves though, if the shit hits the fan. It's basic adulting. Whether that is sufficient money available in your name, a career you can earn off, an education you can fall back on or assets you can cash in. Something.

Being a woman who has no skills, no means of her own and no education either is a risky prospect (and not great for self confidence either I'd imagine).

Everyone goes into marriage and/or family hoping/vowing it will last. But we know that just isn't true in a rather depressingly high number of cases so it's naive to skip around deliberately ignoring the possibility of separation, serious illness, death, etc

I liked my work and didn't mind not spending time with my children to do it and it was well-paid, but frankly, if I had been on minimum wage doing something boring I wouldn't have bothered paying someone else to look after them. Possibly the pension element might have swayed me, but I'm not sure.

And everyone thinks landlords are evil personified.

I also think, there's an element of guilt from working mums who have to go to work to pay the bills, some of them would probably rather be at home with their children but the circumstances just don't facilitate that.

I say do what works for you. I have been a SAHM in the past and it screwed me over financially after we split up as I had to go on benefits, so I always say if you are going to do it then make sure you are well protected financially.

I am a bit though if I'm honest when SAHPs list everything they do at home. I'm a single working mum and do everything at home as well. I don't think being a SAHP is hard work when you have school age DC, obviously it's different when you have babies and toddlers at home.

I also feel concerned that they are potentially vulnerable if their marriage breaks down/husband dies/unable to work etc after my mum's experience. She was at home/part time for years, had to pay loads of extra NI so she will qualify for a state pension, still works at 63 & will until she's 67 whereas my dad retired at 59 on a final salary pension & just bought him self a new jag.

I also have a friend who is a SAHM who's husband already worries aged 35 about having sufficient pension to support them both.

I think you're in a different version of MN to me. I see a lot of posts to SAHMs who have found themselves in a situation where they're being financially and/or emotionally abused, if not physically/sexually and in those posts, it's true, there can be suggestions that the woman should never have allowed herself to get into this situation. Which isn't particularly helpful.

But broadly speaking, I think mostly people just want women on here to be respected and valued by their partners whether they're working out of the home or full time stay at home parents. So often that frustration at SAHM is more aimed at the fact that they're not respected or getting treated fairly.

I have not seen SAHMs being 'continually lambasted for not having their own money' on here. I have seen a lot of people warning potential SAHMS, particularly unmarried ones, about being financially vulnerable. Are you perhaps mixing those up?

@PlomBear is right

I think it's (justified) worry for women who have children when they are unmarried and give up their jobs. That's v risky.

I think it's only if they are claiming benefits in order to do so.

I think the most I've seen is that some people get all "well he's SUPPORTING YOUR LIFESTYLE so you should let him do his hobby whenever he likes!" or whatever about SAHMS who want their child's father to do some of the parenting. Same as with women on mat leave. In that case it's a deep societal issue with refusing to recognise parenting as work in any sense, obviously you're just skipping about getting cappuccinos and head massages all day while poor husband slaves down the pit.

But those people are usually in a minority thankfully. And I haven't seen that many posts criticising SAHMS as being bad for their children after years on here.

People get called bloody stupid when they are on here. Unmarried, no stake in the house, no savings, man who expects finances to be separate, you give up work? You're an idiot.

If you are a sahm and you happen to have benefits, wooah you are the antichrist . If you don't mention your family receives tc then you are usually ok.