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Original poster

Why does MN not like SAHMs?

255 replies

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 05/02/2020 14:54

This baffles me (and I haven't posted in AIBU as I know the vitriol that arises there sometimes). I'm proudly an SAHM. Friends are equally proudly working mums. I don't care what they are, as long as they are decent human beings. They don't judge me, and I don't judge them.

But on MN it seems that SAHMs are looked down on. My DH and I have a partnership - he earns the money and I do everything (and I mean everything) at home, all the domestic tasks, school-related etc etc. We both work full time, but I don't get paid, or have an annual review, or bonuses or whatever. It works for us.

Everything in our household is joint - and yet on MN SAHMs are continually lambasted for not having their own money, prospects, wasted their education, not a good role model etc etc. Why? I truly don't understand this.

OP posts:
ParsnipToast · 05/02/2020 17:13

I'm a SAHM because my kids can't cope with childcare. Some of us don't have much bloody choice but to stay at home.

sonypony · 05/02/2020 17:17

@AnneLovesGilbert what about a tory voting trans step MIL brexiteer Wink

ilovepixie · 05/02/2020 17:18

Try being a stepmum. Or a MIL. Or a Tory. Or a man!

Or worst of all not even a mum!!!

Interested in this thread?

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Families
TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 · 05/02/2020 17:18

As a WOHM I find it particularly insulting when SAHMs say things like "I made the choice to actually raise my child myself rather than outsourcing it" or "why bother having children if you're not going to raise them".

I also find it hard to be polite when a SAHP with school age children suggests they are as busy as a WOHP because they're doing the housework, ferrying of children between clubs and life admin, as if WOHPs don't have to do all that same stuff as well as work.

I don't think SAHPs get any more flack on MN than WOHPs, it just depends on who is available to post when a thread is trending as to which way it will go.

MillicentMartha · 05/02/2020 17:19

I was a SAHM, mainly because my DS2 has SN and needed more than regular child care. We had a joint bank account only, my name on the house with his, I even went back to work P/T term time only once DSes we’re at school. I was still screwed when exH had his mid-life crisis and left for the OW. That’s why I wouldn’t recommend becoming a SAHM and putting your own career on hold. I thought our marriage was rock solid.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/02/2020 17:20

I don't get the dichotomy between being a SAHM and an Independent working woman. Plenty of working people aren't financially independent these days.

Mlou32 · 05/02/2020 17:21

I agree with a pp, i've noticed it's more when a SAHM is on benefits that she gets vitriol. People probably feel pissed off that they are going out to work to pay for not only their own children but also the SAHM's children, who herself gets to stay at home with her own child/children.

That's my guess anyway, it's certainly what I've picked up from posts where I've seen someone getting a hard time for being a SAHM.

SoupDragon · 05/02/2020 17:21

@MumofTinies please can you explain what I said that was "so bloody patronising"? I think you need to re read what I posted and understand that I was quoting someone.

Drabarni · 05/02/2020 17:24

*I don't hate sahms I feel sorry for them. My husband earns enough so that I could stay at home but that's no life is it?

Yes, it's a fantastic life, time and family are the most important thing to me. Closely followed by enjoying myself and living life.
I'd be so bored with the restrictions of work interfering with my fun.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/02/2020 17:25

SoupDragon

I think she’s mixing you up with SusieMyerson - she’s the only rude one I’ve encountered on here!

MumofTinies · 05/02/2020 17:32

Shit, sorry Soupdragon, I did get my posters mixed up there!

FagAsh · 05/02/2020 17:34

I think there’s a lot of jealousy from both sides
I’d love a job
But I’m so grateful that I have loads of time with my kids and living an unpressured lifestyle. I hack the drudgery and reap rewards. We have a very laid back household because basically there’s v little stress or juggling
But really.... I’d love a job Envy my own money and a life that doesn’t involve facilitating others

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2020 17:37

Yes, it's a fantastic life, time and family are the most important thing to me. Closely followed by enjoying myself and living life.
I'd be so bored with the restrictions of work interfering with my fun.

Comments like this one. I know it's meant for the poster you are disagreeing with. But then ALL the WOHM read it. And so then my back goes up and then I post something shitty, then a SAHM reads it and her back goes up and she writes something shitty.

Let's all use our best selves and admit that there are patronising, smug arseholes staying at home AND going out to work. Fuck those arseholes.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/02/2020 17:37

I hear you FagAsh

I have days I feel bored shitless - but then I remember I was bored shitless in my job too! I also remind myself that if I worked I’d still have everything else I already do to come home to. It’s weighing up the pros and cons isn’t it?

Bumpitybumper · 05/02/2020 17:40

@SnuggyBuggy
I don't get the dichotomy between being a SAHM and an Independent working woman. Plenty of working people aren't financially independent these days
I think this is the kind of nuance that many people don't consider. Lots of women and men (maybe most!) will never earn enough to be truly financially independent where they don't rely on their partner or the state to support their lifestyle. Many of the same arguments used against SAHMs can be used against anybody that isn't a high earner and/or enjoys a lifestyle that they don't finance from their earnings alone.

Drabarni · 05/02/2020 17:40

MrsTP

I get your point, but I don't say anything derogatory against wohm's. We all do what is best for ourselves and our family.
I didn't mean to sound patronising or smug, just stating my feelings in response to the above post.
But apologies if it came across as either.

Babyroobs · 05/02/2020 17:41

I think it's fine for a few years but long term it's surely going to hinder chances of getting back into work ? I don't quite understand why women would leave themselves vulnerable like that unless they have a good plan in place in case of separation or bereavement.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/02/2020 17:41

I agree MrsTerryPratchett

“A successful life isn’t one that looks good to others

  • it’s how it feels to you” - M. Obama

Cheesy but true - be secure in the choices you have made and don’t worry about the arseholes who try to belittle those choices. Different strokes and all that.

twosoups1972 · 05/02/2020 17:42

I don't hate sahms I feel sorry for them. My husband earns enough so that I could stay at home but that's no life is it? And yes as a previous poster said, it's the sanctimony. Sahms seem to think all women would rather stay at home instead of work. It's like they've been infantilised and assume all women want the same. We don't

@SusieMyerson errrmm you are contradicting yourself. Yes you are absolutely right that we want different things. Many SAHM CHOOSE to stay at home, so why on earth do you feel sorry for them??

LolaSmiles · 05/02/2020 17:50

I have not seen SAHMs being 'continually lambasted for not having their own money' on here. I have seen a lot of people warning potential SAHMS, particularly unmarried ones, about being financially vulnerable. Are you perhaps mixing those up?
This ^^

I've also seen a lot of posters who seem to take an issue with women highly recommending fellow women get clued up in order to make fully informed decisions regarding their financial security. It's quite concerning that some women would rather throw around "MN hard SAHP / ignore smug marrieds / working parents feel guilty / there's more to life than money/ actually raise our children" than pause and consider that few people care what a woman does regarding her home life and job, they just want her to be well informed and to make an informed decision.

SoupDragon · 05/02/2020 17:58

there are patronising, smug arseholes staying at home AND going out to work. Fuck those arseholes.

Yes!

Why people have to rip apart others for having made a choice that works for their family?

twosoups1972 · 05/02/2020 18:00

Agreed @soupdragon Isn't feminism about CHOICE??

InDubiousBattle · 05/02/2020 18:33

Tbh I find the worry and (faux?)concern more annoying than the occasional outright hostility! The assumption that all SAHPs have just gone into it blindly, without a thought for their pensions or finances, no consideration of the impact on their career etc is just irritating. I still read them though, it's like an act of self flagellation!!

SnuggyBuggy · 05/02/2020 18:42

It's the way people assume all SAHMs without exception are missing out on fabulous career development that gets me.

PlomBear · 05/02/2020 18:56

SAHM - benefits scrounger, lazy, selfish, thick, entitled etc

Mother who goes to paid employment - bad employee and bad mother, selfish, too career minded.

Don’t have children? Cold career woman, selfish, barren etc

Women can’t win.

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