Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Why does MN not like SAHMs?

255 replies

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 05/02/2020 14:54

This baffles me (and I haven't posted in AIBU as I know the vitriol that arises there sometimes). I'm proudly an SAHM. Friends are equally proudly working mums. I don't care what they are, as long as they are decent human beings. They don't judge me, and I don't judge them.

But on MN it seems that SAHMs are looked down on. My DH and I have a partnership - he earns the money and I do everything (and I mean everything) at home, all the domestic tasks, school-related etc etc. We both work full time, but I don't get paid, or have an annual review, or bonuses or whatever. It works for us.

Everything in our household is joint - and yet on MN SAHMs are continually lambasted for not having their own money, prospects, wasted their education, not a good role model etc etc. Why? I truly don't understand this.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2020 15:30

And 53rd it's because for some magical reason, parenting is really easy when women do it and really hard when men do it. No idea why.

madcatladyforever · 05/02/2020 15:30

It's not that I don't like them, I think it's great to be there for your children.
I don't trust men though as far as I can throw them and if you get dumped or he runs off with someone else you have nothing. No means of supporting yourself.

Lardlizard · 05/02/2020 15:32

I don’t think mn dislike sahm anymore than they dislike work out of the home mums

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
TeenPlusTwenties · 05/02/2020 15:35

I also don't think MN dislikes SAHMs.

They do however rightly warn about choosing to be a SAHM if not married to the DC's father as it leaves you too financially vulnerable.

ChicCroissant · 05/02/2020 15:46

At one point I was a SAHM and a Landlord, if I'd been a MIL as well I think I would have reached peak MN hatred Grin

MN also seems to think that the majority of marriages fail - not true either IME. The Office of National Statistics has a website and you can look up your year of marriage (within a set range) and see what percentage of marriages from that year have ended in divorce.

PlomBear · 05/02/2020 15:46

Whatever you post on MN, people always pile on to have a go at the OP.

kenandbarbie · 05/02/2020 15:48

Mumsnet loves me. I'm a sahm. I think it's you.

Parttimers · 05/02/2020 15:50

God,I’m a part time teacher (also hated) and also a landlord...i must be really hated!!🤣🤣

Ikora · 05/02/2020 15:51

There is no dislike it’s a worry about people’s vulnerability with one income and being out of the workforce. Many posts by women over the years who were wonderful supportive SAHM and are the then left by their husbands in middle age who are walking cliches and run off with younger women.

midsomermurderess · 05/02/2020 16:01

Mumsnet hates everything? It has its own, monolithic persona does it?

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/02/2020 16:03

I’m a sahm - I do think there are a few women who make some snide comments on here which probably stem more from being insecure about leaving their kids in childcare and/or are envious of the fact that they don’t have a choice but to go out to work. (I also have friends like this in rl - I’ve learnt to ignore it and recognise the reasons they feel the need to make such comments).

There are also some women ( who know from experience) who think that being a sahm can leave you financially vulnerable if things go wrong in the relationship. They are right. I’ve chosen to take that risk as it works best for my family logistics-wise and so far I haven’t regretted it. I do see both sides though - I think women can get the shitty end of the stick either way I.e. be a sahm and take the risk of being financially vulnerable or go back to work but have to rely on constantly juggling childcare/missing out on seeing your kids/still having to do most of the chores etc.
I’ve no desire to go back to work and I’ll have to live with the consequences if it goes wrong - it’s my choice.

twosoups1972 · 05/02/2020 16:05

I also feel concerned that they are potentially vulnerable if their marriage breaks down/husband dies

What would happen if the SAHM died? The working husband would then be financially responsible for full time childcare plus potentially someone to cook/clean/do admin and so on.

Drabarni · 05/02/2020 16:08

I'm a sahm, receive TC and CB, a LL, have a child boarder, and a mil.
I couldn't give a shit what anyone thinks.

twosoups1972 · 05/02/2020 16:10

OP I completely agree with you and I am in a similar position.

I don't know why society values working women more than stay at home ones. One of my friend who works full time says she is setting her daughters a good example by working. Daughters were cared for by a nanny when they were young and saw very little of their mother.

I am setting a good example to my dds that I value the importance of bringing up children and being there for them.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 05/02/2020 16:12

I'm always confused by these sorts of posts. I'm not a parent so objectively, SAHMs aren't looked down upon anymore than WOHMs are.

I think it with the "teacher bashing". Teachers don't get bashed more than any other profession.

Original poster
Didthatreallyhappen2 · 05/02/2020 16:14

I absolutely agree that if someone is leaving themselves financially vulnerable through being an SAHM then that is unwise. In my own social circle there are several single parents who would never, ever rely on anyone financially.

But as a pp says, this is my choice and I'm happy with it, and shall live with whatever is thrown at me (although I was slightly shocked at the ONS report on how many divorces happen each year!).

OP posts:
NCforThisThreadOnly · 05/02/2020 16:16

So, as you can see, I have name changed for this thread only, as I am very, very, scared of being judged by MN's, so here goes:

I am a SAHM with secondary aged children in private schools
Married to DH who earns a goodly salary
All assets in joint names, joint accounts, life insurance etc etc
I live in a big house
I voted Tory
I voted Brexit

I win, I am THE most hated person on MN.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/02/2020 16:17

I hate them because I'm jealous 😂

Lazyllama · 05/02/2020 16:18

Not only am I a sahm but I 'get paid for looking after my kid'. Some people really hate that.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/02/2020 16:20

Lazyllama how do I go about getting someone to pay me to look after my children?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 05/02/2020 16:26

I think there's an element of fear. By making a different decision to someone, they think you are looking down on them. Same as bottle Vs breast, homebirth Vs hospital, private Vs state, blw vs purees... The list is endless.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/02/2020 16:31

NCForThisThreadOnly

Are you me? I didn’t know there was two of us on here! Grin

I haven’t bothered to name change coz I don’t give one!

5zeds · 05/02/2020 16:31

I basically AM MN, and I don’t hate SAHM, I am one. You have been talking to the rabble.

everydaypilates · 05/02/2020 16:34

I am setting a good example to my dds that I value the importance of bringing up children and being there for them

And part of bringing up children is providing for them, by going out to work.

I'm a SAHM btw and struggling to find work. Understandable as people who have been out of the work place lack useful skills for the workplace, and are generally more unreliable.

everydaypilates · 05/02/2020 16:35

Not only am I a sahm but I 'get paid for looking after my kid'. Some people really hate that

Using DH's credit card?....Wink