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Original poster

Why does MN not like SAHMs?

255 replies

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 05/02/2020 14:54

This baffles me (and I haven't posted in AIBU as I know the vitriol that arises there sometimes). I'm proudly an SAHM. Friends are equally proudly working mums. I don't care what they are, as long as they are decent human beings. They don't judge me, and I don't judge them.

But on MN it seems that SAHMs are looked down on. My DH and I have a partnership - he earns the money and I do everything (and I mean everything) at home, all the domestic tasks, school-related etc etc. We both work full time, but I don't get paid, or have an annual review, or bonuses or whatever. It works for us.

Everything in our household is joint - and yet on MN SAHMs are continually lambasted for not having their own money, prospects, wasted their education, not a good role model etc etc. Why? I truly don't understand this.

OP posts:
Whatnametoday5 · 05/02/2020 19:06

I really hates this competition- just do what works for you without passing judgement on anyone else’s choices.

We are all mothers doing what’s best for each of our own families - if the children are happy then that’s fine. If the working parent is happy to provide and gets to spend time with their children also in a meaningful way and isn’t under pressure to ‘provide’ without risk to their MH then that’s fine. If the SAHP is happy and can ensure their future financial security and that’s fine.

It’s really none of anyone else’s business.

I work , recently my husbands job could have changed which would have made it harder for me to work, we agreed if it meant I had to give up my job we would ensure that a small amount would still be paid into my pension. It’s not turned out that way - but importantly we both discussed and agreed jointly on what we would do.

maddiemookins16mum · 05/02/2020 19:22

There is some jealousy involved but sorry, I do get a bit peeved with SAHM’s describing it the same as a full time job......it’s really not.

Original poster
Didthatreallyhappen2 · 05/02/2020 19:29

Mrs TP - I apologise for not being here to respond to the comments - I've actually been sat in a cold car for 2 hours waiting for an afterschool event to finish, so didn't have access to the internet.

I certainly never intended for this discussion to be seen as "goady" - far from it, I was, and am, genuinely interested in everyone's POV. Nor was I aware that I had dropped a grenade - I asked this question in Chat, rather than AIBU, hoping that it wouldn't turn into a bun fight. And from the pages I've seen it's clear that everyone has very clear and valid reasons for their views.

OP posts:

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Families
Stabbitha1 · 05/02/2020 19:31

Mn dislikes unmarried SAHMs and married or unmarried SAHDs

SoupDragon · 05/02/2020 19:33

I do get a bit peeved with SAHM’s describing it the same as a full time job......it’s really not.

Probably the same way some SAHMs get peeved at WOHMs claiming they are also being a mother full time....

Can you really not see how you are being just as insulting as they are?

SoupDragon · 05/02/2020 19:34

This will just go round and round and round though, with posters from both "sides" posting insulting things about the other. It's utterly ridiculous.

megletthesecond · 05/02/2020 19:36

I think it's the long term practical and financial vulnerability of SAHM's that is the problem. Not the role itself.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/02/2020 19:40

I think we see, and notice, what bothers us both. I think MN is absolutely horrible about full-time working mothers and endlessly full of the 'but what about the precious meeemmmmoooorrrriiieeesss' crowd (yes, you're right, I'll have no memories of my son at all if I'm not with him between the hours of 9 and 5 on a weekday), but that's because I am on and so those comments sting. When I had just stopped breastfeeding MN seemed to be militant about breastfeeding into toddlerhood, but I somehow never see those posts anymore, because they don't bother me anymore. It's all the eye of the beholder.

Aliceinwonder87 · 05/02/2020 19:41

Life is too short as it is! In the future I'll regret not spending enough time with my children more than not putting the hours in at work.

barneyblues · 05/02/2020 19:41

Jealousy, not contributing by working, being reliant on a man, not having a career and being independent are things I've all seen on here. I think it's mainly jealousy and looking down on them.

Drabarni · 05/02/2020 19:41

I do get a bit peeved with SAHM’s describing it the same as a full time job......it’s really not.

I do get a bit peeved off when wohm say they work and do the same as a sahm. Unless you take them to work with you, I can assure you, that you don't Grin Unless of course your life just consists of employment, housework and kids.

It must be so hard to work all day, and have to start again when you get in though. I know I couldn't/ wouldn't do it with dependant kids.

user1494050295 · 05/02/2020 19:43

Exactly what trahira and buzz say. A lot of women come unstuck and don’t know what to do. The lack of financial awareness is astounding.

Teateaandmoretea · 05/02/2020 19:47

I don't get the dichotomy between being a SAHM and an Independent working woman. Plenty of working people aren't financially independent these days

^^this is so true. I earn enough to support the house alone if I budgeted reasonably sensibly (financially independent). BUT without DH dropping the kids off every morning I couldn't really do my job and I couldn't afford a nanny.

No one hates anyone OP but the issue is that MN struggles to see shades of grey. It has to all be positive or negative. Personally I wouldn't want to be a sahm but we are all different. There is an assumption also that women only work if they 'have to' which again I don't think is true.

Cloudyyy · 05/02/2020 19:49

@SoupDragon working mothers are still full time mothers Confused they just aren’t stay at home mothers

Nuttyaboutnutella · 05/02/2020 19:57

I'm technically a SAHM. However, I was kind thrown into it as my toddler is going through an ASD diagnosis. I also have a young baby. My son is in nursery for 2 hours twice a week. He loves it but it's enough for him. He starts school this year and we've got lots of appointments for him (paediatrics, SALT, etc). We also do lots of activities towards his development which is paramount at the moment. It's simply not possible to find a job to fit in with his hours at childcare.
My partner sometimes has to work late as well
We're not married as we've had a LOT on our plate in recent year with kids and house moves but definitely will soon ish. We literally just haven't had time.
Hes the higher earner, always has been since we met, therefore it wouldn't make sense for him to give up work and me to go back. We'd either have no work life balance or possibly default on our mortgage. As it stands, we've got a pretty decent quality of life considering our circumstances.
Possibly different for me as I have a great support network that would never leave me and the kids up shit creek if our relationship broke down. We are fairly solid but I can't worry about what ifs for now. I'll go back to work/study eventually but right now, my main priority is my son.
Sometimes being a SAHM isn't necessarily a choice and I think people lose sight of this sometimes.

5zeds · 05/02/2020 19:59

working mothers are still full time mothers confused they just aren’t stay at home mothers it rather depends if you are talking about a relationship (so you would then still be a full time mother if you had no contact with your child if you gave birth to them) or hands on caring (mothering) of a child. SAHM do what WM pay childminders/nanny/au pair to do. If children don’t need this “work” done for them why does childcare even exist?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/02/2020 20:05

Is there no such thing as a full-time mother of a school-age child, then?

Cluckyandconfused · 05/02/2020 20:07

Nowadays when you divorce you can expect closer to a 50:50 clean break arrangement with a small amount of child support.
This is pretty shit for the resident parent (usually mum) unless you have maintained a career and are capable of supporting yourself and your kids. Alternatively you can quickly move in with a new man who can help you pay the bills but might not be very nice to your children.
It seems on MN and in real life masses of men have a midlife crisis and leave for another woman. Women who place blind trust in their partner to continue supporting them and do not sensibly consider what might go wrong are naive.

Cloudyyy · 05/02/2020 20:10

@5zeds well in my house, DH has our D.C. whilst I work and I have them whilst he works. It’s called parenting and I’m still their full time mother at all times. School-aged children still have full time parents too.

DM1209 · 05/02/2020 20:17

Many have already said this, the general consensus is based on the fact that most SAHP's leave themselves vulnerable while the working parent has an employment history, often leading to a strong career meaning they have financial power and when it comes down to it, marriage, children, divorce - power really means something.

I have been you. SAHM for over a decade. He earned fantastically and I ran our home fantastically, I was that, 'it will never happen to me' person.
It did. 18 years of marriage and 3 children with no career of my own to speak of and he left.
I became a lone parent to a 1 year old, a 3 year old and a 7 year old with no career/job, no money of my own and no power.

I will never, ever allow myself to be in that position ever again and I tell my DC the same thing, be with someone, love them and honour them but never, ever let your power go.

And I don't get this, being a SAHP is hard. It is hard, it really is but going to work AND being a lone parent is even harder.
I love it and would not change a thing now. My life has changed so much and I love my fantastic career. He did me a favour when he left but I know the first 4 years after were some of the hardest and darkest times of my life.

Remember, your power matters just as much.

53rdWay · 05/02/2020 20:18

I have been both a SAHM and WOHM and to tell the truth I was disappointed by the lack of judgy comments I got. Where are all you mean mummy-shaming hordes I was warned about? I had all my snappy replies ready to go!

(more seriously I think it's a shame that we're so easily convinced that other mothers all have it in for us and our choices when most people really don't care. Also it's a shame that we can't have conversations about important things like how we balance work/money/children in our society without having to shout over a chorus of "who cares anyway! stop judging! why are we all so mean to each other! who cares what anyone else does! just stop talking about it and talk about something uncontroversial and bland instead!")

NewInTown08 · 05/02/2020 20:27

My mother was a SAHM while my father advanced his career. When they divorced, she was in a very vulnerable position and is now struggling financially. She is bitter about it to this day.
If my daughter wanted to be a SAHM I would advise her against it. I'm going to drill the importance of education and independence in her head so hopefully she never considers it. It puts you in a very vulnerable position.
The kids won't remember the younger years ( which you have to sacrifice a lot for), and once they are in school, why would you stay home? We could get by on DHs income, but why would I want to just get by? I like the extra I can save for my children's future.
Not up mention the power struggle in a relationship where only one person earns the money.

DrCoconut · 05/02/2020 20:42

I think stay at home mums are revered on here. See how quickly the hounds are released if you say anything negative about SAHM. As a working part time round my kids' needs lone parent (aka benefit scrounging, ball breaking, child damaging loser) I notice this a lot.

5zeds · 05/02/2020 20:51

@Cloudyyy as I said your relationship “mother” to your children is obviously lifelong, but you aren’t doing the job of staying at home and providing childcare when you are at work or your partner is taking on that role. You can choose to be offended by that factor not as you please.

Cloudyyy · 05/02/2020 20:57

I’m not offended by the fact I’m not a stay at home parent because I work. However it is also a fact that working mothers remain full time mothers.