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My longest friend not invited me to her wedding?

233 replies

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:01

I want to try and get as much background in as possible without ranting on. Also NC as I’m not sure if friend is on MN.

Been friends since age 9/10, all through secondary school and even afterwards we would meet at least once a month. Both 32 now. She met her soon to be DH 7 years ago and they had a 4 year old DS. I’m a single mum with a 3 year old DD.

Since we had kids we met up more often as we had even more in common, we haven’t had any massive arguments ever, only small disagreements here and there as you would expect from a long friendship.

She always says she feels lonely, she has one other friend besides me who she has know since college and they meet up about once a month too. This friend has a DD 2 years old.

She complains she is unhappy and bored with her current set up at the moment. She is renting in a very cut off village, doesn’t drive, doesn’t have a lot of spare cash to get the bus and is angry that people don’t come to see her much. She wants to buy a house but can’t afford to save for a deposit.

A few of our recent disagreements have been over things like she can’t afford the bus to the town centre (15 min bus ride) and is annoyed I can’t drive to her village (30 min drive for me and I am a single mum who really can’t afford the petrol) I try to reason with her but in the last 5 years she seems to be increasingly angry at the world and blames everyone for not being able to get a mortgage or save or learn to drive etc

I try to meet her as much as I can. But sometimes it is impossible for me.

So on Monday we met in a cafe and she told me her and her DP are getting married in 2 months time. I was over the moon for her and said how exciting it was.

She said it wasn’t going to be a huge wedding, it was going to be at the registry office and then her mum was doing a buffet at her house afterwards, she said she can’t really afford a big wedding. Fair enough it’s her day.

She then says it’s going to be a very small wedding, infact only really close family like her mum dad and siblings, then some of her DPs.

I assume that I’m not invited to the registry part, fine though, if she wants an intimate private wedding.

She then goes on to say DP is inviting 3 of his work mates (has known them about a year) and she is inviting her other friend (the college one) and her new boyfriend.

She said the buffet afterward would just be the same people from the ceremony.

At the time I didn’t say anything about being invited as I was a little shocked and didn’t know how to word it without coming across as rude.

I’m really baffled and confused about why my oldest friend has not even invited me to the buffet afterwards. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish, after all it’s her big day and they should get to celebrate it how and with who they want.

I just feel weird that she has invited her other friend and her partner, then invited her soon to be DHs work mates, but not me. Perhaps she has an issue with me although I’m not sure what it is.

If I’m being a selfish cow then please tell me Grin I just feel a little upset that I won’t get to celebrate her big day with her. We would always talk about it when we were teenagers, the whole “I’m definately having you as my bridesmaid!” Thing.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
TatoTurner · 05/02/2020 14:04

Are you sure she is not inviting you as well? Maybe she didn't mention it because she just assumed you'd know you'd be invited?

It does sound strange - especially as she's told you about the other people she's invited, that she's not known as long or as well as you.

MegaClutterSlut · 05/02/2020 14:08

I would have to ask her outright. If she says no then your not as good as friends as you thought you were and I'd probably reconsider the friendship tbh

LooseleafTea · 05/02/2020 14:09

I wouldn’t read into it too much as it sounds like she’s just keeping it low key and I don’t think it reflects on your friendship necessarily - it may do but then just as easily it may not.

I would just focus on being happy for her and carrying on being friends . it sounds a shame she hadn’t been more understanding about you driving to her etc. but there are many ways of remaining good friends and I would just continue to be honest about it and there are other ways to remain good friends than meeting up a lot

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:11

It’s just really weird, I’m racking my brain to think if there’s been a time I’ve pissed her off or something.

No I am definitely not invited, she didn’t even tell me the actual date, just said it’s in 2 months. If I was invited she would’ve had to let me know so I could book it off as it’s so close

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 05/02/2020 14:13

The way you wrote this, it sounded to me like you are invited and it was just assumed. But either way, you need to say something. In person or in text but a direct question about the date and timing of the wedding. If you're not invited, she can then specifically say that and you can challenge her.

TatoTurner · 05/02/2020 14:14

Wow. I'm not surprised you're hurt.

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:14

@LooseleafTea yeah I see what you’re saying, if she wants low key then that’s all good. It’s just the inviting other friends of her DP and then her other friend and her boyfriend.

I’m just baffled that she told me and didn’t mention anything about going myself Shock

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/02/2020 14:14

No you’re not being silly - it sounds very strange. How much more could it possibly cost to have one extra person at a home made buffet at her mums house? It sounds like she’s making excuses.

It comes across like she is trying to punish you in some way for not driving to visit her and the subsequent arguments? If she didn’t want friends there fine but to then invite people she hasn’t known very long is contradictory to that. She sounds like a right victim - and very draining to be around.
I wonder if she’s slagged you off to her DP and he’s said he doesn’t want you there?

Mummyzzz044 · 05/02/2020 14:15

If you pissed her off that much surely she wouldnt meet up with you?. In these situations yeah its hurtful. But it's her day, let it go on this one and see after if she values your friendship. Otherwise what's the point?

Delatron · 05/02/2020 14:17

It’s very strange. Especially as work colleagues have been invited. I would assume you’re not as close as you thought and start distancing myself.

Laurendelight · 05/02/2020 14:18

This would really upset me. Yes everyone can choose the wedding they want and it’s not good manners to approach her and question your lack of invite but for me I would walk away from the friendship.

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:19

I’m thinking I’ll stop messaging her first and see if she messages me? I have been the one who instigates the meet ups generally so maybe it’ll be an eye opener to see if she contacts me or kot

OP posts:
Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:19

Not

OP posts:
FuzzyAtmosphere · 05/02/2020 14:20

I’m not surprised you feel hurt. Does your child go to nursery? I wonder if she doesn’t want a young child (other than her own) there.

midsomermurderess · 05/02/2020 14:22

It sounds like a spiteful thing to do. Maybe she's punishing you for not running around after her. Perhaps reconsider if this friendship is as strong as you have thought it is.

Delatron · 05/02/2020 14:23

Definitely see if she instigates any meet ups. It’s shouldn’t be you making all the effort.

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:28

I feel like she has fallen into a bit of a “pit of despair” these last few years. I would even go as far as saying she has depression. That’s sort of why I’m a little reluctant to cut her off. Also why I instigate the meet ups, as I think maybe she wants to but is anxious about messaging first? Or doesn’t want to leave the house?

She’s very angry at life at the moment. 2 years ago she said suddenly she hated living in the U.K. and was moving to Spain with her DP and DS. She went for a two week holiday there and decided there wasn’t enough opportunity there and was angry about having to come back to the U.K.

Not trying to drip feed by the way, just trying to give an insight into our friendship and her life.

OP posts:
LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 14:28

If you thought the friendship was solid I’d text her and just double check your not invited.

I’ve known my best friend for over 35 years we are both sometimes brutally honest with each. We have had the odd spat but always make up. I’d have no problem double checking with her if I was in this situation.

If you don’t feel your that close, don’t bother double checking and then either close the door in the friendship or just keep it as it is but don’t invest as much of yourself.

LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 14:30

She sounds like a drain to be honest

Beautiful3 · 05/02/2020 14:41

That's awful and quite hurtful really. I would.just stop messaging .

Froglette16 · 05/02/2020 14:43

Could you ask if you could bring some food for the buffet? The answer will clarify the situation. Fingers crossed for you xx

Shockers · 05/02/2020 14:47

It’s odd that she discussed who was invited with you, if she’s not inviting you. I wonder whether she assumed you’d know you were.

If you find out you’re definitely not invited, I’d let this friendship go, because telling you the guest list would be beyond tactless.

puds11 · 05/02/2020 14:47

Doesn’t sound like a very good friendship to be honest. I can’t say I’d care in this situation.

firstimemamma · 05/02/2020 14:49

We are going to have a tiny, family-only wedding. Your friend obviously wants to do something similar and is entitled to do so. Some people elope and have zero guests. Other have massive dos with hundreds of people there. Each to their own.

Rhubarbncustard4 · 05/02/2020 14:49

I think it’s perfectly possible that she’s just assumed you know you’re invited . Ask her the date so you can book time off / arrange babysitter ... see what she says . If she genuinely isn’t inviting you then that’s pretty nasty behaviour for an oldest friend .

Hope it’s just a silly misunderstanding OP ... but if it isn’t - it’s her not you !