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My longest friend not invited me to her wedding?

233 replies

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:01

I want to try and get as much background in as possible without ranting on. Also NC as I’m not sure if friend is on MN.

Been friends since age 9/10, all through secondary school and even afterwards we would meet at least once a month. Both 32 now. She met her soon to be DH 7 years ago and they had a 4 year old DS. I’m a single mum with a 3 year old DD.

Since we had kids we met up more often as we had even more in common, we haven’t had any massive arguments ever, only small disagreements here and there as you would expect from a long friendship.

She always says she feels lonely, she has one other friend besides me who she has know since college and they meet up about once a month too. This friend has a DD 2 years old.

She complains she is unhappy and bored with her current set up at the moment. She is renting in a very cut off village, doesn’t drive, doesn’t have a lot of spare cash to get the bus and is angry that people don’t come to see her much. She wants to buy a house but can’t afford to save for a deposit.

A few of our recent disagreements have been over things like she can’t afford the bus to the town centre (15 min bus ride) and is annoyed I can’t drive to her village (30 min drive for me and I am a single mum who really can’t afford the petrol) I try to reason with her but in the last 5 years she seems to be increasingly angry at the world and blames everyone for not being able to get a mortgage or save or learn to drive etc

I try to meet her as much as I can. But sometimes it is impossible for me.

So on Monday we met in a cafe and she told me her and her DP are getting married in 2 months time. I was over the moon for her and said how exciting it was.

She said it wasn’t going to be a huge wedding, it was going to be at the registry office and then her mum was doing a buffet at her house afterwards, she said she can’t really afford a big wedding. Fair enough it’s her day.

She then says it’s going to be a very small wedding, infact only really close family like her mum dad and siblings, then some of her DPs.

I assume that I’m not invited to the registry part, fine though, if she wants an intimate private wedding.

She then goes on to say DP is inviting 3 of his work mates (has known them about a year) and she is inviting her other friend (the college one) and her new boyfriend.

She said the buffet afterward would just be the same people from the ceremony.

At the time I didn’t say anything about being invited as I was a little shocked and didn’t know how to word it without coming across as rude.

I’m really baffled and confused about why my oldest friend has not even invited me to the buffet afterwards. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish, after all it’s her big day and they should get to celebrate it how and with who they want.

I just feel weird that she has invited her other friend and her partner, then invited her soon to be DHs work mates, but not me. Perhaps she has an issue with me although I’m not sure what it is.

If I’m being a selfish cow then please tell me Grin I just feel a little upset that I won’t get to celebrate her big day with her. We would always talk about it when we were teenagers, the whole “I’m definately having you as my bridesmaid!” Thing.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
shoesSHOES · 05/02/2020 20:40

such an old friendship can be more like family so low key or not its unsurprising you’re stung, especially as workmates are going. It’d be pretty low of her to rattle off the guest list to you when you’re not bloody invited. What a kick in the teeth. If you’re really not invited its time to downgrade this one to vague acquaintance, and leave her to do the messaging and organising get togethers. From what you’ve said about this friendship its probably at that point regardless of the wedding. Friends for a reason, a season etc...

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 20:45

Finally we have a response! I’m not invited and she’s only invited college friend because apparently she’s the godmother to her DD so she feels like she has to. DP wants to invite his work mates and that’s that, but she said she didn’t want loads of people on her side so “sacrificed” he extra guest spaces for his work mates. She said she didn’t even want to invite college friend but she felt like she had to for godmother reasons.

Not sure how to feel about it all

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 05/02/2020 20:46

oh dear - sorry you are upset. I hope folk are right and you are invited and this is just a misuderstanding.

I think you souldn like a lovely friend.

JoyceDivision · 05/02/2020 20:49

Well you've sacrificed her present, horses for courses and all that.

JoyceDivision · 05/02/2020 20:50

If she really wanted you there, she would invite you. Superficial pleasantries from now on may be the way to go

SeansNiece · 05/02/2020 20:52

Nah fuck that. I'd reply with well wishes for her big day then don't bother with that friendship again.

sundaypie · 05/02/2020 20:54

I've been quietly watching and hoping it would work out differently.

It's time to step back, I can't see what you get out of this friendship. It was cruel of her to detail who was invited and then not invite you.

Take a breather from this friendship, it can be quite difficult to end long friendships, especially as the thoughts of "well we have been friends for soo so long"....there are certain things that can push what is actually a bad friendship into breakup. This is one of those.

She doesn't value you enough to make space for you at her wedding, it's not a family only wedding, she has random people attending.

She doesn't make the effort to see you, you are expected to drive and arrange everything, you are expected to initiate contact.

She gets angry, punishes, when you don't behave as she wants....

She is not a friend

BillieEilish · 05/02/2020 20:55

Agree with Joyce

Just write back 'ok great, I understand! I hope you have a magical celebration!'

And steer clear.

She wanted drama IMHO

magoria · 05/02/2020 20:56

I don't think you are invited, sorry.

She gave you a vague in a couple of months. Not a definite '23rd April' date.

I hope I am wrong for the sake of your friendship.

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 20:57

@BillieEilish
I think you may be right! I’ve just said fair enough, hope you have a lovely day anyway. She’s seen it too but not responded which makes me think she was hoping for a more bitchy reply.

OP posts:
sundaypie · 05/02/2020 20:57

Echo what Joyce and Billie said. Nail on head

OhSoOuting · 05/02/2020 20:57

She wants you to beg to come. Just say “fair enough. Congratulations” and move on - this woman isn’t your friend.

magoria · 05/02/2020 20:57

Oh sorry missed the last page!

Flowers for you

Bunnyfuller · 05/02/2020 20:59

I agree with @JoyceDivision too.

Bright breezy text then just let it go. Unfollow on SM so it doesn’t eat your soul.

Why are women such fuckers to each other?

Mummyshark2018 · 05/02/2020 20:59

Nah fuck that. I'd reply with well wishes for her big day then don't bother with that friendship again.

^^this

I'm sorry but it's at a parents house not even an expensive venue. By your accounts she doesn't have loads of friends but she can't extend it to one more??? Honestly, I am not a petty person but I'd call it a day. She's a user and doesn't value your friendship.

You're 100% entitled to feel upset. Even after you text she replied saying you weren't invited. A real friend would take the hint about how you felt.

Winecheesesleep · 05/02/2020 20:59

I think she sounds sad, do you think she really wants to get married? If she doesn't then maybe not having her closest friend there makes it feel less real.

Highfivemum · 05/02/2020 20:59

So sorry for you. Most def reply wishing her all the best and then move on. I don’t think you will miss her. You are older and wiser now and going in diff directions. Her loss

AnneTwackie · 05/02/2020 21:00

If you’re going to write off the friendship anyway I’d have to say what I felt to get any closure. Something along the lines of ‘ I can’t pretend I’m not hurt as we’ve been friends for such a long time, perhaps we’re not as close as I thought we were. That said, I wish you well, enjoy your day.’

Bunnyfuller · 05/02/2020 21:01

You don’t need to mark the occasion or get a gift,

I think she was hoping for drama too.

Good for you asking her. Fuck that shit.

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 05/02/2020 21:03

I would wish her luck with her life and move on. That’s not a real friend. Focus on your dc and other friends who value the effort you put in.

flapjackfairy · 05/02/2020 21:06

How v hurtful ! What is wrong with her ? You said she only has the one other friend anyway so you would think she would take better care of her relationship with you. You sound like a lovely friend.

Anyway I think you are handling it brilliantly and would drop the friendship now with your dignity intact

dellacucina · 05/02/2020 21:06

Your response sounds perfect. I think your best course is now to distance yourself, as others have suggested.

Mummyshark2018 · 05/02/2020 21:07

I'd reply with something diplomatic like @AnneTwackie suggests

Clangus00 · 05/02/2020 21:09

I’m sorry OP.

LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 21:13

I don’t know if she wanted a bitchy reply. She’s probably just cringing at how awkward that exchange was and doesn’t know how to reply back.

Why didn’t you just be straight forward instead of asking about colour schemes and wedding gifts? The way you went about it was PA/childish

A simple ‘ hello xxx I’m just clarifying Im not coming to the wedding due to limited space I was a bit confused and didn’t want to not turn up’

Rather than this awkwardness

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