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Original poster

My longest friend not invited me to her wedding?

233 replies

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:01

I want to try and get as much background in as possible without ranting on. Also NC as I’m not sure if friend is on MN.

Been friends since age 9/10, all through secondary school and even afterwards we would meet at least once a month. Both 32 now. She met her soon to be DH 7 years ago and they had a 4 year old DS. I’m a single mum with a 3 year old DD.

Since we had kids we met up more often as we had even more in common, we haven’t had any massive arguments ever, only small disagreements here and there as you would expect from a long friendship.

She always says she feels lonely, she has one other friend besides me who she has know since college and they meet up about once a month too. This friend has a DD 2 years old.

She complains she is unhappy and bored with her current set up at the moment. She is renting in a very cut off village, doesn’t drive, doesn’t have a lot of spare cash to get the bus and is angry that people don’t come to see her much. She wants to buy a house but can’t afford to save for a deposit.

A few of our recent disagreements have been over things like she can’t afford the bus to the town centre (15 min bus ride) and is annoyed I can’t drive to her village (30 min drive for me and I am a single mum who really can’t afford the petrol) I try to reason with her but in the last 5 years she seems to be increasingly angry at the world and blames everyone for not being able to get a mortgage or save or learn to drive etc

I try to meet her as much as I can. But sometimes it is impossible for me.

So on Monday we met in a cafe and she told me her and her DP are getting married in 2 months time. I was over the moon for her and said how exciting it was.

She said it wasn’t going to be a huge wedding, it was going to be at the registry office and then her mum was doing a buffet at her house afterwards, she said she can’t really afford a big wedding. Fair enough it’s her day.

She then says it’s going to be a very small wedding, infact only really close family like her mum dad and siblings, then some of her DPs.

I assume that I’m not invited to the registry part, fine though, if she wants an intimate private wedding.

She then goes on to say DP is inviting 3 of his work mates (has known them about a year) and she is inviting her other friend (the college one) and her new boyfriend.

She said the buffet afterward would just be the same people from the ceremony.

At the time I didn’t say anything about being invited as I was a little shocked and didn’t know how to word it without coming across as rude.

I’m really baffled and confused about why my oldest friend has not even invited me to the buffet afterwards. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish, after all it’s her big day and they should get to celebrate it how and with who they want.

I just feel weird that she has invited her other friend and her partner, then invited her soon to be DHs work mates, but not me. Perhaps she has an issue with me although I’m not sure what it is.

If I’m being a selfish cow then please tell me Grin I just feel a little upset that I won’t get to celebrate her big day with her. We would always talk about it when we were teenagers, the whole “I’m definately having you as my bridesmaid!” Thing.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
BohoBunney · 05/02/2020 15:52

I’m thinking I’ll stop messaging her first and see if she messages me?
You could, but for me the not knowing would get at me. If you're sort of content in the fact this friendship could be coming to an end I would just straight up ask her. Perhaps ask for the date so you can check childcare / work etc? See what she says?

AcrossthePond55 · 05/02/2020 15:53

It sounds to me as if she really doesn't add anything positive to your life with her constant anger at the world and complaints about you not driving. I don't know if this is a friendship I'd want to keep just based on that.

Do you really feel as if you want to continue the friendship now? Because if it were me, I'd want it all out in the open. I can't stand all the shilly-shallying and wondering. I'd probably send a text along the lines of "I'm so happy for you and X, but so sad that I am not invited to share in your big day" and just see what she says, if anything.

mencken · 05/02/2020 15:53

lucky escape by the sound of it.... all her problems are within her power to solve if she just gets off her arse. Assuming it isn't depression, of course, which I certainly can't tell from here.

I didn't have anyone except family at our wedding, never occurred to me that friends would be interested in 10 mins at the registry office on a weekday. In fact at a distance I feel a bit guilty at dragging the family along although they seemed to enjoy it.

norealshepherds · 05/02/2020 15:54

I agree, it seems like a lucky escape

Lilymossflower · 05/02/2020 15:56

She sounds isolated as fuck and it makes me wonder why the husband dousnt give her money so she can take the kid to places ! Not surprised d she is depressed

Drabarni · 05/02/2020 16:04

I think you value her friendship more than she does.
She doesn't bother to arrange meet ups and she hasn't invited you to her wedding.
maybe college friend can afford petrol to go and see her, so she has someone else to use.
I'd cut your losses tbh, she can't use you so has dumped you.

crosspelican · 05/02/2020 16:04

The way you wrote this, it sounded to me like you are invited and it was just assumed. But either way, you need to say something.

Second this - it really does sound as though she assumes you being there is a given.

"Hi Friend, lovely to see you yesterday and I'm delighted for you both. Ezekiel is a fantastic bloke and I know you have a wonderful future together. This is massively cringe, but when you were talking about the big day it wasn't clear to me if I'm invited or not Blush - at first I thought not, and was hurt, but on reflection, maybe that's not what you meant? Do let me know either way. All my love to Ezekiel. Justyou x"

crosspelican · 05/02/2020 16:05

But then on the other hand, maybe this a good opportunity to let the friendship drift. She sounds like v hard work and I don't think you get a huge amount from the relationship.

leadbetter5 · 05/02/2020 16:06

^^ send a version of what crosspelican wrote OP - if it's a no it's really no love lost.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/02/2020 16:10

I think OP would know from the way it was discussed whether she was invited or not; if she wasn't invited it would be obvious from the friend'S demeanour.

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/02/2020 16:12

Hi op

To me the conversation and level of detail of who's attending, specifically all those at the day time will be there in the evening, smacks of a deliberately worded and planned snub to you.

OnlyTheTitOfTheLangBerg · 05/02/2020 16:12

"Hi X, many congratulations again on your upcoming wedding. Just checking that as you didn't mention the exact date, I'm right in assuming I'm not invited? Obviously that's fine if not, just want to make sure neither of us is making any incorrect assumptions about being there/not being there."

Then she'll either say something like "that's right, glad you understand how low key it is with these randoms I barely know " in which case you know to gently step back from the friendship, or "don't be daft you muppet, of course you're invited!" in which case all good.

Dustarr73 · 05/02/2020 16:19

Sounds to me like,she told you about the wedding and who would be there to get a reaction out of you.
She's stuck in the middle of no where and doesn't drive.Both those things are of her own doing though.

If you where invited she would have told you the details.I would just let the friendship drift.Just don't go when someone else drops out.Which usually happens.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2020 16:19

I hope you’ve misunderstood. It would be shocking if you aren’t invited.

Haworthia · 05/02/2020 16:20

It sounds like you’re prepared to cut her a lot of slack because she’s depressed/anxious/whatever.

Beware. I used to excuse rather a lot of mildly shitty behaviour from a friend for similar reasons. There comes a point where you have to draw a line and walk away though, IMO. Being excluded from her wedding is pretty unforgivable.

I think you absolutely SHOULD go quiet and see if she makes any effort to get in touch with you.

Ishihtzuknot · 05/02/2020 16:20

A friend done this to me 2 years ago, oldest friends really close, and the way she was speaking made it sound as if I would be bridesmaid but she gave the ‘job’ to another friend. I wasn’t even invited until a different friend had to cancel and a place came up for me to attend providing I paid for my meal and hotel. I didn’t go and I’m still really hurt by it now.

I would say along the lines of ‘I bet you can’t wait for the wedding I hope you have a lovely day let me know if you need help with wedding prep’ etc see if she brings it up, she may have invited you but wanted to make you aware who else would be there? I’d want to ask directly though as she owes you an explanation if she hasn’t invited you and by skirting the issue she’s avoiding the backlash.

socksandshoes1 · 05/02/2020 16:29

I would definitely ask her outright. Give her a call later and say "X, something's been on my mind since we met up - I just wanted to check whether I am invited to your wedding party, and if not have I done something to upset you?"

DarklyDreamingDexter · 05/02/2020 16:32

Let me know if you need help with wedding prep

Lol, don’t say that! There was a cheeky fucker thread on here a while back where the bride got her ‘friend’ to help her out with all her lengthy wedding prep, then didn’t invite her, but still expected her to turn up on the day to help decorate the church hall, lay the tables and prepare food for invited guests!

BeardyButton · 05/02/2020 16:38

This happened to me, but I only found out through fb that the wedding actually wasnt family only. We flat shared (at one point) she came to important events in my life and even had a part in my wedding.

It was so so hurtful. But it made me realise that she had outgrown the friendship. After the fb photos I didnt contact her. It was years ago. She once reached out on my birthday. I responded politely but that was it.

Its awful. But she isnt your friends. Friends dont do that shit. You gotta move on.

Claphands · 05/02/2020 16:39

She sounds like one of life’s moaners to me, is she waiting for someone to hand her her dream life on a plate?

FizzAfterSix · 05/02/2020 17:12

She sound cruel and hurtful.
I’d stop contacting her and leave it up to her.

SlightlyJaded · 05/02/2020 17:21

I would text:

'So nice to see you the other day and hear your amazing lovely news! In all the excitement I forgot to ask the date of the wedding. Work are pretty good usually as long as i give enough notice so better to get the request in soon... Can't wait! x'

If she assumed you knew you were invited, she will share the date
If she didn't mean to invite you, that is mean and she deserves to squirm.

MimiLaRue · 05/02/2020 17:22

You aren't being unreasonable, I would be really hurt too.
I do think you need to back off a bit though. I know you said you worry about her, but she has to be making SOME effort with this friendship otherwise whats the point? at the moment it sounds like youre doing all the work- instigating everything, suggesting meet ups etc. Now the wedding thing. I would back off a bit. Its not about being petty- its about the fact that relationships have to be give and take. Sure, there are times when one person gives more and vice versa but this relationship sounds very unbalanced in a general sense and you do need to let her make some effort too. Not only is it hurtful, but its not really a friendship if you are running after her all the time. I'd back off and give her the chance to initiate. You aren't responsible for her mental health and if she's capable of sustaining a romantic relationship then she is capable of suggesting meeting up with you isn't she? Back off and see what happens. If you hear nothing then I'm afraid I'd fade her out because clearly, she doesnt care about you as much as you care about her.

TheReef · 05/02/2020 17:33

I'd be hurt too but I guess your friend thinks that by saying it's small, it gives her an excuse not to invite you. Tbh it might also be down to the fact her other friend has a dp now, maybe she just thought you'd feel awkward on your own. Or it could be that she's closer to her other friend

MirandaGoshawk · 05/02/2020 17:34

I would ask, say, about the dress code, or what kind of wedding present she wants, and see what she says. It does seem odd that you're not invited. I would be hurt too, if you've been talking about it together since you were teens. Has she only just booked it? Two months is a bit last minute. What about the cake, flowers etc? Has she been planning it for ages and only now felt she should mention it? If so, maybe you're not invited.

I have a friend who is getting married in the summer - she has talked a lot about the wedding since last year and I wasn't sure if I was invited. This week she has invited me! (That is, me, without DH, for cost reasons.)

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