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My longest friend not invited me to her wedding?

233 replies

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:01

I want to try and get as much background in as possible without ranting on. Also NC as I’m not sure if friend is on MN.

Been friends since age 9/10, all through secondary school and even afterwards we would meet at least once a month. Both 32 now. She met her soon to be DH 7 years ago and they had a 4 year old DS. I’m a single mum with a 3 year old DD.

Since we had kids we met up more often as we had even more in common, we haven’t had any massive arguments ever, only small disagreements here and there as you would expect from a long friendship.

She always says she feels lonely, she has one other friend besides me who she has know since college and they meet up about once a month too. This friend has a DD 2 years old.

She complains she is unhappy and bored with her current set up at the moment. She is renting in a very cut off village, doesn’t drive, doesn’t have a lot of spare cash to get the bus and is angry that people don’t come to see her much. She wants to buy a house but can’t afford to save for a deposit.

A few of our recent disagreements have been over things like she can’t afford the bus to the town centre (15 min bus ride) and is annoyed I can’t drive to her village (30 min drive for me and I am a single mum who really can’t afford the petrol) I try to reason with her but in the last 5 years she seems to be increasingly angry at the world and blames everyone for not being able to get a mortgage or save or learn to drive etc

I try to meet her as much as I can. But sometimes it is impossible for me.

So on Monday we met in a cafe and she told me her and her DP are getting married in 2 months time. I was over the moon for her and said how exciting it was.

She said it wasn’t going to be a huge wedding, it was going to be at the registry office and then her mum was doing a buffet at her house afterwards, she said she can’t really afford a big wedding. Fair enough it’s her day.

She then says it’s going to be a very small wedding, infact only really close family like her mum dad and siblings, then some of her DPs.

I assume that I’m not invited to the registry part, fine though, if she wants an intimate private wedding.

She then goes on to say DP is inviting 3 of his work mates (has known them about a year) and she is inviting her other friend (the college one) and her new boyfriend.

She said the buffet afterward would just be the same people from the ceremony.

At the time I didn’t say anything about being invited as I was a little shocked and didn’t know how to word it without coming across as rude.

I’m really baffled and confused about why my oldest friend has not even invited me to the buffet afterwards. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish, after all it’s her big day and they should get to celebrate it how and with who they want.

I just feel weird that she has invited her other friend and her partner, then invited her soon to be DHs work mates, but not me. Perhaps she has an issue with me although I’m not sure what it is.

If I’m being a selfish cow then please tell me Grin I just feel a little upset that I won’t get to celebrate her big day with her. We would always talk about it when we were teenagers, the whole “I’m definately having you as my bridesmaid!” Thing.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
Silverflute · 06/02/2020 21:36

Why on earth don’t you ask her outright? Am I invited to your marriage? And if she says not or makes excuses, ask why.

Old friends can ask questions like that. And it should clear things up once and for all.

flapjackfairy · 06/02/2020 21:54

@Silverflute.
She has and she isn't!

Read the darned thread ,

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/02/2020 21:59

*I think this is worth considering OP. Her behaviour may not make a lot of sense if she's depressed
**
*Whilst i agree this might be the cause, it really doesnt matter. If someone is treating you poorly, you dont have to put up with it.

I quite agree, which is why I suggested the OP withdraws from the friendship to protect herself.

Honeybee85 · 06/02/2020 22:05

I feel you OP. It’s quite confusing at least!

I agree with pp to ask her if she’d appreciate you coming to her wedding. Just text her something like: I was really happy to hear you’re getting married. As we were talking about the wedding, I got a bit confused if I were invited or not. Should I be looking for a nice friend-of-the-bride dress already 🥳?

Something lighthearted like this.

If she doesn’t respond or says you’re not invited, I would be reconsidering my friendship with her in your position but everyone is different and you should decide for yourself if you want to stick around after that.

Best of luck Flowers

BohoBunney · 06/02/2020 22:08

@Honeybee85 she already has upthread. Friend has flat out said she isn’t invited.

WardrobeJumper · 06/02/2020 22:11

It sounds to me like you are invited.

BohoBunney · 06/02/2020 22:11

I’m glad you went with the neutral response op. Sorry to say her excuses sound just like that, and she was over excusing. Only you can know how you want them friendship to progress from here but i think your husbands comments speaks volumes. Flowers

Honeybee85 · 06/02/2020 22:12

@BohoBunney thanks Smile

OP, that really sucks...

WardrobeJumper · 06/02/2020 22:13

I'm so sorry, I thought I'd RTFT, but MN just hadn't loaded all the responses, including your update. What a nasty situation, I'm so sorry OP.

CleansUpDragonPoo · 07/02/2020 01:56

Sorry for you after all these years, OP! If it were me I'd send a lovely card a few days before the wedding with gracious good wishes for her special day, and a little message for her to get in touch afterwards 'in due course'. That way you end the friendship on your terms, and come across as the lovely person you are.

But I'm guessing she'll probably not be in touch unless / until she needs something, and then you can decide at that time whether or not to respond. It's all about you now, she's had her turn.

Catsinthecupboard · 07/02/2020 03:00

Good for your DM! We mothers know who our dd's true friends are. Trust her bc your "friend" is trying to hurt your feelings. Good riddance to bad rubbish.Flowers

Bluebelle100 · 07/02/2020 09:16

I had a similar thing happen to me.....walk, you don't need this kind of pain.....plenty more worthy people out there.

FenellaVelour · 07/02/2020 09:29

I would send a card. Write in it “hope you have a lovely day and all the best for your future life together.”

Then never contact her again.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2020 09:34

Why on earth would she 'sacrifice' your place for one for her future DH?
Maybe he's a controlling twat?
Who knows?
Chalk it down to experience.
Listen to your mum. She has the measure of her.
Don't instigate meet ups.
Leave her to her miserable life!

SW16 · 07/02/2020 09:36

Honestly, once the two of you started bickering about bus fares and petrol, what was the point?

SarahSissions · 07/02/2020 10:15

Its her wedding, and there are always countless people who think that they SHOULD be invited. The work colleague who you see everyday, and go out with every week vs. the old friend you see once a month, both think they should be invited and are hurt when they are not.

Because every 'just one more' isn't really just one more- I'm guessing if she invited you, you would then expect your child to go. So that's 2 straight away. And as you start to throw the net wider, the next person feels even more left out.

Just be happy for her.

FelicisNox · 07/02/2020 13:55

@SarahSissions there's more to it than that, read the thread.

OP.. she doesn't sound like a good friend and your relationship is very one way. Send a nice care wishing her the best and then cut her loose.

It's her choices/behaviour that have brought you to this point not yours.

Scotland32 · 07/02/2020 17:30

I am so sorry that you aren’t invited and are sad about it.
If it helps at all, (whilst not wedding related) I let a long established friendship fall by the wayside a few years ago because this friend was take, take, take all the time and I have never had a moment of regret. My life feels ‘lighter’.
Friendships should be balanced and two way. Things happen and the balance shifts sometimes when one side needs more support, but it should eventually got some kind of equilibrium.
I think you should let her slide. 💐💐💖

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/02/2020 18:47

It sounds like the friendship was over anyway once the excuses re petrol etc started being used.

Would you invite someone to a limited space wedding if they wouldn’t use their petrol to visit? She may be looking st it very simplistically.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/02/2020 18:54

Icecream
Maybe you’re right. What you have described is stereotypical reasoning from a non driver, who has no concept of the real cost of running a car.

ittakes2 · 07/02/2020 18:54

Please consider blocking her number you do not need this woman in your life. You sound lovely - please instead invest your time in a friend or friends who appreciate your friendship.

cheeseomelette · 07/02/2020 19:32

I had something similar from a best friend of many years who I'd lived with. I was also really close to her husband and wider family, so I thought.

I was downgraded from bridesmaid to guest and a newer friend replaced me. I turned up early to the venue on the day to help her get ready (as agreed) and was sent away by her mum. I found out about an after party I hadn't been invited to.

It was the most bafflingly hurtful thing I've ever experienced from a friend. It actually felt similar to a relationship break up.

So I'm sorry, op. I sympathise and you're not the only one this has happened to. I don't know what weddings do to people.

Jojo2wyatr · 07/02/2020 19:49

@cheeseomelette after reading all these posts of 'friends' acting this way and excluding their supposed best friend from their wedding, I'd have to say that weddings separate the 'wheat from the chaff' and bring to light which friend is the taker and which is the giver. Take heed, everyone...takers drain all your energy and when you no longer are useful to them they move on to the next kindhearted giver.

FaveNumberIs2 · 08/02/2020 15:07

You keep telling her you can’t drive the thirty minutes to her house because you’re a single parent and can’t afford the petrol. But you expect an invite to her wedding?!?!? One you know is on a very tight budget for her too?

Sho can’t afford to learn to drive and run a car but she’s somehow pulling funds together for a small intimate wedding. Cut her some slack and stop making this all about you.

If you were as friendly and close as you thought, then you would have NO PROBLEM saying to her at the time, “oh that’s really great news, do I get to come too?”

FizzAfterSix · 08/02/2020 17:56

@FaveNumberIs2
How about reading the full thread before making this kind of comment.
OP has gone above and beyond for this CF frenemy.

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