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My longest friend not invited me to her wedding?

233 replies

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:01

I want to try and get as much background in as possible without ranting on. Also NC as I’m not sure if friend is on MN.

Been friends since age 9/10, all through secondary school and even afterwards we would meet at least once a month. Both 32 now. She met her soon to be DH 7 years ago and they had a 4 year old DS. I’m a single mum with a 3 year old DD.

Since we had kids we met up more often as we had even more in common, we haven’t had any massive arguments ever, only small disagreements here and there as you would expect from a long friendship.

She always says she feels lonely, she has one other friend besides me who she has know since college and they meet up about once a month too. This friend has a DD 2 years old.

She complains she is unhappy and bored with her current set up at the moment. She is renting in a very cut off village, doesn’t drive, doesn’t have a lot of spare cash to get the bus and is angry that people don’t come to see her much. She wants to buy a house but can’t afford to save for a deposit.

A few of our recent disagreements have been over things like she can’t afford the bus to the town centre (15 min bus ride) and is annoyed I can’t drive to her village (30 min drive for me and I am a single mum who really can’t afford the petrol) I try to reason with her but in the last 5 years she seems to be increasingly angry at the world and blames everyone for not being able to get a mortgage or save or learn to drive etc

I try to meet her as much as I can. But sometimes it is impossible for me.

So on Monday we met in a cafe and she told me her and her DP are getting married in 2 months time. I was over the moon for her and said how exciting it was.

She said it wasn’t going to be a huge wedding, it was going to be at the registry office and then her mum was doing a buffet at her house afterwards, she said she can’t really afford a big wedding. Fair enough it’s her day.

She then says it’s going to be a very small wedding, infact only really close family like her mum dad and siblings, then some of her DPs.

I assume that I’m not invited to the registry part, fine though, if she wants an intimate private wedding.

She then goes on to say DP is inviting 3 of his work mates (has known them about a year) and she is inviting her other friend (the college one) and her new boyfriend.

She said the buffet afterward would just be the same people from the ceremony.

At the time I didn’t say anything about being invited as I was a little shocked and didn’t know how to word it without coming across as rude.

I’m really baffled and confused about why my oldest friend has not even invited me to the buffet afterwards. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish, after all it’s her big day and they should get to celebrate it how and with who they want.

I just feel weird that she has invited her other friend and her partner, then invited her soon to be DHs work mates, but not me. Perhaps she has an issue with me although I’m not sure what it is.

If I’m being a selfish cow then please tell me Grin I just feel a little upset that I won’t get to celebrate her big day with her. We would always talk about it when we were teenagers, the whole “I’m definately having you as my bridesmaid!” Thing.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
WheresMyChocolate · 05/02/2020 17:42

I would be really hurt if I were in your position. But you need to check what the position is. I had a similar issue with a very close friend over Christmas. I was telling her all our plans and who was invited and she silently got upset at not being invited. It was only the week before when I asked her what time she was turning up (and she burst into tears) that we realised there was miscommunication. I didn't invite her because she's like family and always comes. I just assumed it'd be the same and she assumed she wasn't invited.

Pumpkinpie1 · 05/02/2020 17:44

Are you sure your not invited?
I would ask to be sure,

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 17:46

Okay I’ve sent her a text asking what she would like for her wedding gift, I also asked what her colour scheme is so I can look at getting something sorted soon. She hasn’t responded yet but this’ll show for sure if I’m invited won’t it?

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 05/02/2020 17:47

Billie - I think she is just having a very low key wedding with family only

^"She then goes on to say DP is inviting 3 of his work mates (has known them about a year) and she is inviting her other friend (the college one) and her new boyfriend.

She said the buffet afterward would just be the same people from the ceremony." ^

So not just family only then.

user1471449295 · 05/02/2020 17:50

I also think it’s strange that you aren’t invited to the buffet afterwards. Especially as her DP recent work mates have been invited. I would think you are also on her list of things to be angry at the world about OP. Maybe it’s jealousy, maybe it’s because she doesn’t comprehend the cost of diesel and can’t see why it is expensive for you to visit her more.
Don’t worry about it though. I feel she will probably regret not having you there in the future

BillieEilish · 05/02/2020 17:54

Sorry, DD was about to get home from school and I was rushing. I did not read that bit. Apologies.

If she says that then it is, in my view, a pointed disinvite. As in OP is not invited and I would not make much effort with this friendship in the future, if at all.

The dynamic of the friendship has obviously changed, for whatever reason and seems a bit toxic. I would brush it off if you can OP if it is not simply a misunderstanding, and you will find out when she replies to your text.

Highfivemum · 05/02/2020 17:58

How strange that she suddenly wouldn’t invite you. I had the opposite with a girl I New from school then didn’t see her for years and we met up and she asked me to be her bridesmaid and chief too. ! I was shocked but accepted obviously. Who knows what goes on in people’s minds.

Grembolina · 05/02/2020 17:59

I think you need to check, it sounds to me like you are invited as a given.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/02/2020 18:02

I also asked what her colour scheme is so I can look at getting something sorted soon

She probably thinks you’re going to turn up in a bridesmaid dress now!Grin

BillieEilish · 05/02/2020 18:11
Grin
EverSeenTheQueen · 05/02/2020 18:11

Not RTWT.

Can only speculate but it sounds from what you’ve told us that she’s trying to make a point and she wants you to know she’s upset about something.

Not surprised you were shocked - there is no way she would go so far as telling you all the other people invited without realising it would hurt your feelings.

BlueLadybird · 05/02/2020 18:29

Okay I’ve sent her a text asking what she would like for her wedding gift, I also asked what her colour scheme is so I can look at getting something sorted soon. She hasn’t responded yet but this’ll show for sure if I’m invited won’t it?

This isn’t necessarily going to get to the bottom of whether you’re invited or not. People often send gifts to weddings they aren’t going to and they may tie in the gift with the colour scheme (or there may not be one).

I agree with others you need to ask her outright. When she responds, reply with something like ‘It’s great hearing about your plans and I’m so happy for you. You told me about which of your family and friends are coming but I couldn’t be sure whether I’m invited or not?’

You need to know and if you’re not it will impact on your friendship so I don’t think you’ve anything to lose by asking.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 05/02/2020 18:37

I feel for you. I had a friend I had known from infant school. She was my bridesmaid, I was godmother to her dc , supported her through her divorce and helped out a lot when her gc was very poorly. She re-married and told me it was family only - fair enough - but invited me to a hen night with some work colleagues of her fiance and another of her friends. There were about 11 of is round the table. And it was on her hen night, that one of the fiance's work colleagues asked what everyone was wearing to the wedding and I realised that I was the only one who hadnt been invited. I was so hurt, not so much that I hadn't been invited, but that she'd lied to me. I didn't bother to ask her why, she had made it clear that she was happy to lie to my face, so I would never trust her answers anyway. I decided to step back from the friendship and, although I do sometimes miss her, I don't regret it. I realised that actually, whilst I supported her through a lot, she was never really there for me in the same way. I just wish she had told me the truth.
Anyway, OP, I'm sorry for what has happened to you. I don't really have any advice - only you know whether the friendship is worth keeping, albeit on a different basis than you thought. Flowers

thickwoollytights · 05/02/2020 18:41

If you're not invited and she went through a whole conversation telling you who IS invited - that's just nasty.

I agree with PP - she sounds like a drain on your life.

I'd back off anyway and especially if you're not invited to the 'wedding' which sounds like it'll be more akin to a wake ConfusedHmm

puds11 · 05/02/2020 18:43

I’d assume I wasn’t invited unless they explicitly said something about you being there. This is awkward Confused

WhatsTheLatest · 05/02/2020 18:45

@bananasandwicheseveryday Shock did she even have the good grace to be embarrassed when everyone was talking about the wedding?

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 05/02/2020 18:51

That text won’t give you an answer OP, and if she suspects you’re “onto” not being invited she could make this into a game of text tennis where nobody is explicitly asking or telling, just jumping round the issue.

Follow up with, “ok cool - look, I feel really daft asking this but I’m not sure if I’m invited or not? Just to be absolutely clear so I can make arrangements if need be... and not if not haha”

Keep it breezy OP. BREEZY,

user1498572889 · 05/02/2020 18:52

I feel like she didn’t say if you were invited or not to test what your reaction will be. She sounds like the sort of person who would look for a reaction of some description. She sounds like she is very hard work.

Wilmalovescake · 05/02/2020 18:55

Another one here who thinks you’re invited....

bananasandwicheseveryday · 05/02/2020 19:14

@WhatsTheLatest

No, she happily joined in the conversation!

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 05/02/2020 19:20

Other than her status as your ‘oldest’ friend can I ask what you actually get out of this friendship? She sounds incredibly hard work - is this definitely a friendship worth maintaining? Is there mutual support or does she just take?

YellowJellyfish · 05/02/2020 19:23

I think she deliberately went out her way to hurt you. I don't think you're invited! She'd have given you the date.

Sorry to ask this but are all the other guests coming as a couple? Maybe she doesn't want a single parent. This has happened to me! Vile creature was dumped as a friend!!

WhiskersPete · 05/02/2020 19:27

Hope you're invited OP!

QueenOfCatan · 05/02/2020 19:30

I agree with those saying you need to be more explicit, if you want to be coy about asking say that you need to book the date off now so just wanted to double check, but I'd just ask outright

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 20:28

Well she’s seen the message (WhatsApp) but no response

OP posts: