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My longest friend not invited me to her wedding?

233 replies

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:01

I want to try and get as much background in as possible without ranting on. Also NC as I’m not sure if friend is on MN.

Been friends since age 9/10, all through secondary school and even afterwards we would meet at least once a month. Both 32 now. She met her soon to be DH 7 years ago and they had a 4 year old DS. I’m a single mum with a 3 year old DD.

Since we had kids we met up more often as we had even more in common, we haven’t had any massive arguments ever, only small disagreements here and there as you would expect from a long friendship.

She always says she feels lonely, she has one other friend besides me who she has know since college and they meet up about once a month too. This friend has a DD 2 years old.

She complains she is unhappy and bored with her current set up at the moment. She is renting in a very cut off village, doesn’t drive, doesn’t have a lot of spare cash to get the bus and is angry that people don’t come to see her much. She wants to buy a house but can’t afford to save for a deposit.

A few of our recent disagreements have been over things like she can’t afford the bus to the town centre (15 min bus ride) and is annoyed I can’t drive to her village (30 min drive for me and I am a single mum who really can’t afford the petrol) I try to reason with her but in the last 5 years she seems to be increasingly angry at the world and blames everyone for not being able to get a mortgage or save or learn to drive etc

I try to meet her as much as I can. But sometimes it is impossible for me.

So on Monday we met in a cafe and she told me her and her DP are getting married in 2 months time. I was over the moon for her and said how exciting it was.

She said it wasn’t going to be a huge wedding, it was going to be at the registry office and then her mum was doing a buffet at her house afterwards, she said she can’t really afford a big wedding. Fair enough it’s her day.

She then says it’s going to be a very small wedding, infact only really close family like her mum dad and siblings, then some of her DPs.

I assume that I’m not invited to the registry part, fine though, if she wants an intimate private wedding.

She then goes on to say DP is inviting 3 of his work mates (has known them about a year) and she is inviting her other friend (the college one) and her new boyfriend.

She said the buffet afterward would just be the same people from the ceremony.

At the time I didn’t say anything about being invited as I was a little shocked and didn’t know how to word it without coming across as rude.

I’m really baffled and confused about why my oldest friend has not even invited me to the buffet afterwards. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish, after all it’s her big day and they should get to celebrate it how and with who they want.

I just feel weird that she has invited her other friend and her partner, then invited her soon to be DHs work mates, but not me. Perhaps she has an issue with me although I’m not sure what it is.

If I’m being a selfish cow then please tell me Grin I just feel a little upset that I won’t get to celebrate her big day with her. We would always talk about it when we were teenagers, the whole “I’m definately having you as my bridesmaid!” Thing.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 05/02/2020 21:15

Your response was perfect. I think she's being awful to you. Withdraw from the friendship.

comeasyouare1 · 05/02/2020 21:17

I had similar with my best friend. Her first marriage she asked someone she'd known a year to be bridesmaid. We'd been friends for over 10 years at that point. Her second marriage, again she chose 'new' friends for bridesmaids and their children. Not my child even though she is her godmother. Bottom line, I invested too much in the friendship when she invested very little. We're still friends but I've very much kept her at a distance now for a good few years. She is a friend, but in the same bracket as acquaintances now. I know how much it hurts, but try and reframe the friendship in your mind 💞

NikkiNoo81 · 05/02/2020 21:17

I would never do that to any of my friends. Even if she just invited you for a drink after the wedding, what harm would that of done? If it were me I would cut all ties.

Dustarr73 · 05/02/2020 21:20

Ah im sorry @Justyouandme33 but at least you know where you stand.Leave her be,you are better off being alone than that awful friendship.

shoesSHOES · 05/02/2020 21:21

oh dear, well at least you know.

its up to them who they invite but registry offices aren’t that tiny and a buffet at her mum’s isn’t the sort of do which requires such strict numbers that she couldn’t include you if she wanted.

Great response, leave her to get on with it and focus on other friends more deserving of your time (and more fun, she sounds like a drain).

whiteroseredrose · 05/02/2020 21:22

I think that tells you all you need to know.

I'd withdraw now. If she rarely initiates contact you'll not see much of her anyway.

jakeyboy1 · 05/02/2020 21:54

Sounds like a crap wedding anyway ;)

I'm sorry. She's been very mean. I think she does have issues but if she chooses to treat friends like this she isn't helping herself.

LittlePaintBox · 05/02/2020 21:56

It sounds as if your friendship with this woman has become very one-sided, but leaving you out of the wedding is just plain nasty.

Maybe I'm petty, but she'd be whistling for a wedding present if she'd done that to me. I'd back right off doing stuff for her, she can ask her college friend for any future favours she needs. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Sad

VivaLeBeaver · 05/02/2020 22:00

She’s pissed off with you for whatever reason and is trying to hurt you on purpose.

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 22:11

Thanks for the support everyone Flowers

My DM came over tonight and said “oh god she’s always used you! I used to hate you hanging around with her at school” my mum is a good judge of character Grin

OP posts:
Starstruck2020 · 05/02/2020 22:11

Could her DP be controlling, seems odd his mates are going and she’s giving up space for her own guests?

Can you step back from the friendship to protect yourself but don’t cut her off completely so that if he is controlling her she knows you are are there for her if she ever needs it?

TitianaTitsling · 05/02/2020 22:14

Agree with pp about the possibility of her wanting drama. Good response!

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/02/2020 22:16

Your dm had her bang to rights! I think she’s really trying to upset you - you’ve responded perfectly. Don’t rise to it and have your excuses ready for when she wants you to drive to hers to show you the photo album!

Whynosnowyet · 05/02/2020 22:16

And don't you dare send a present!!

Antihop · 05/02/2020 22:16

I wouldn't bother to contact her again.

OverByYer · 05/02/2020 22:19

Aww i definitely wouldn’t bother anymore.
Sounds like she needs you more than you need her anyway. Cut your losses and move on.

LittlePaintBox · 05/02/2020 22:22

I'm obviously not as caring as the posters who are saying 'Stay in touch with her in case her marriage turns out to be unhappy'.

From what the OP has told us, the marriage is almost bound to be unhappy, because most things in this friend's life are unhappy! However, OP is not this woman's social worker, and has no obligation to put up with her behaviour if it's making her unhappy.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 05/02/2020 22:23

"She said she didn’t even want to invite college friend but she felt like she had to for godmother reasons."

So, to me, my take on it is that she doesn't really want anyone at the wedding.

This could be because she is depressed, or not very excited about the wedding, or sees it purely as a necessity on the road to being married, or because her DH is being controlling.

It's very definitely not about you.

I think she may need you in the future more than you need an invitation to the wedding.

Shockers · 05/02/2020 22:34

Thinking about it, she sounds like she was trying to explain when she told you who was invited. She must’ve felt awkward in case you found out.

YellowJellyfish · 05/02/2020 22:38

Oh darling, I'm sorry, you must be incredibly hurt. But your mum had her measure, she's a bad 'un.

As I said earlier, she went out her way to hurt you.

She is not a friend.

And now my darling you have to practice telling her to fuck off when she asks you to organise her hen do. Which she will do. I would put money on it.

Remove yourself from this person. Listen to your mum!!

Littlepeak34 · 05/02/2020 22:55

Are you sure she has no other friends? If she does, it makes sense to just invite one of her oldest if she wants a small wedding.

If you’re sure, it does seem a big nasty to not invite you. Just one extra person won’t matter.

But then again, maybe there’s something going on with her, maybe she doesn’t want a fuss or her depression is clouding her judgement about sharing a special day with people she cares about.

starfishmummy · 05/02/2020 22:58

its up to them who they invite but registry offices aren’t that tiny

Ours has one room that only holds 10 including the couple.

ASureSign · 05/02/2020 23:00

I think her explanation could be genuine. She has handled it badly and clumsily but I don’t think you can say for sure that she behaved nastily. She attempted to explain why you weren’t invited and the fact she initially hid the fact her other friend was invited wasn’t that weird. It was a bad idea but I could imagine other people doing the same,

I think she doesn’t sound like she is adding that much to the OPs life so I wouldn’t blame the OP from backing off.

FraglesRock · 05/02/2020 23:13

Don't text anymore
Don't spend any money on meet-ups
Don't buy her a gift

Spend the money saved 9n your dc

OnlyTheTitOfTheLangBerg · 05/02/2020 23:20

I’m sorry OP. But at least if she hasn’t told you the exact date, you have the perfect excuse for not sending a present! (Not that you need an excuse, her being a crap friend is reason enough, but if she gets in touch to moan about it afterwards...)