Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My longest friend not invited me to her wedding?

233 replies

Justyouandme33 · 05/02/2020 14:01

I want to try and get as much background in as possible without ranting on. Also NC as I’m not sure if friend is on MN.

Been friends since age 9/10, all through secondary school and even afterwards we would meet at least once a month. Both 32 now. She met her soon to be DH 7 years ago and they had a 4 year old DS. I’m a single mum with a 3 year old DD.

Since we had kids we met up more often as we had even more in common, we haven’t had any massive arguments ever, only small disagreements here and there as you would expect from a long friendship.

She always says she feels lonely, she has one other friend besides me who she has know since college and they meet up about once a month too. This friend has a DD 2 years old.

She complains she is unhappy and bored with her current set up at the moment. She is renting in a very cut off village, doesn’t drive, doesn’t have a lot of spare cash to get the bus and is angry that people don’t come to see her much. She wants to buy a house but can’t afford to save for a deposit.

A few of our recent disagreements have been over things like she can’t afford the bus to the town centre (15 min bus ride) and is annoyed I can’t drive to her village (30 min drive for me and I am a single mum who really can’t afford the petrol) I try to reason with her but in the last 5 years she seems to be increasingly angry at the world and blames everyone for not being able to get a mortgage or save or learn to drive etc

I try to meet her as much as I can. But sometimes it is impossible for me.

So on Monday we met in a cafe and she told me her and her DP are getting married in 2 months time. I was over the moon for her and said how exciting it was.

She said it wasn’t going to be a huge wedding, it was going to be at the registry office and then her mum was doing a buffet at her house afterwards, she said she can’t really afford a big wedding. Fair enough it’s her day.

She then says it’s going to be a very small wedding, infact only really close family like her mum dad and siblings, then some of her DPs.

I assume that I’m not invited to the registry part, fine though, if she wants an intimate private wedding.

She then goes on to say DP is inviting 3 of his work mates (has known them about a year) and she is inviting her other friend (the college one) and her new boyfriend.

She said the buffet afterward would just be the same people from the ceremony.

At the time I didn’t say anything about being invited as I was a little shocked and didn’t know how to word it without coming across as rude.

I’m really baffled and confused about why my oldest friend has not even invited me to the buffet afterwards. I feel like maybe I’m being selfish, after all it’s her big day and they should get to celebrate it how and with who they want.

I just feel weird that she has invited her other friend and her partner, then invited her soon to be DHs work mates, but not me. Perhaps she has an issue with me although I’m not sure what it is.

If I’m being a selfish cow then please tell me Grin I just feel a little upset that I won’t get to celebrate her big day with her. We would always talk about it when we were teenagers, the whole “I’m definately having you as my bridesmaid!” Thing.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 05/02/2020 14:50

What stood out to me was you referring to her being annoyed people don't visit her often.
Irl imo and here on Mn, those who don't drive can become entitled and twatty for not having reems of personal chauffeurs. She is punishing you for not personally maintaining the friendship with umpteen visits as the driver. And your money is not important as you aren't saving for a house /wedding...

leadbetter5 · 05/02/2020 14:51

Just ask - if it's a no, then wouldn't your relationships be pretty much over anyway? If it's a yes, then problem solved.

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/02/2020 14:57

I dont envy your position.
I would find it difficult to bring up the conversation even with a close friend.
That said weddings are strange things and to my eternal shame I didnt invite ppl I should have.

1forAll74 · 05/02/2020 15:01

I would try not to be upset about all this, and just stay being a friend to her. If you make comments about her wedding plans, she may get more upset if she is feeling low in life at the moment. She may feel much better later when she has a husband with her.

notangelinajolie · 05/02/2020 15:03

I'm not convinced you aren't invited.
Her talking about all the other people who are invited sounds like she is telling you who will be there for a reason. Why would she go into such detail if you weren't invited?

It's a small wedding - there may not be paper invites. Do you know her other friend well enough to ask if they have had an official invite or just a verbal one?

simplekindoflife · 05/02/2020 15:03

"Hey friend, it was lovely to hear the news that you're getting married, but I just wanted to check something with you. Am I invited? No worries if not, It's just that I need to book the day off work/arrange childcare if so, and I wouldn't want want to let you down."

Non confrontational and it will confirm her position. You may even gain some insight into why you're not invited.

But if it turns out she's genuinely invited randoms over you, i'd definitely be stepping back from the friendship. It seems like you're fine as an emotional punchbag for her but nothing else.

People have their ups and downs and it's good to be supportive, but friendship is a two-way street and if you're not getting anything at all back, then why bother?!

RainbowFlowers · 05/02/2020 15:06

Just to give a new perspective. She may be embarrassed at how low key it is and because she seems to struggle with initiating things perhaps she is wanting you to say directly I want to come...also with am offer of I'll bring some food. Lol.

I definitely think you should have an open conversation with her. She sounds like the sort of person who would struggle with confronting anything if there was an issue or even just voicing what's really going on. So I bet if you started the convo with her she would respond.

Just my thoughts, obviously you know her best. Try not to take her actions personally though.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 05/02/2020 15:08

She does, as other posters and you yourself have said, sound very low.
Not even very excited about her wedding. I would be wondering why she was legally binding herself into a life she doesn't seem very happy with.

But are you sure that wasn't your invitation?

If not you just have to accept it, and be there for her. I have to say I think that she is doing what some people would be scared to and meeting you to tell you face to face rather than just not telling you she was getting married at all.

ChicCroissant · 05/02/2020 15:08

Do the people that she has invited to the wedding visit her at her house, but you don't?

It does sound as if she has a few issues if she is constantly blaming something/someone else for her general life woes, but you say she's complained about a lack of visitors and I wonder if you haven't realised how strongly she feels about that aspect? Do you see her less often than you used to, you mention that 'I try to meet her as much as I can. But sometimes it is impossible for me' (I can see that it's difficult if you are both short of money)

ASureSign · 05/02/2020 15:14

I think I'd check with her too. If she isn't inviting you then I'd be upset too. If she was just having family it wouldn't bother me but it seems mean not to invite you when she is inviting other friends.

QueSera · 05/02/2020 15:15

That would be the end of the 'friendship' for me OP. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

ittakes2 · 05/02/2020 15:18

I agree with others - she might be assuming that you would assume you are coming. But frankly I think you might want to revisit the idea of do you want to stay friends with her? Just because she is your oldest friend doesn't mean you need to put up with her being angry with you for not driving her places or put up with her moaning! I'd cool her off and see if she recontacts you with some appreciation of your friendship. Time you spend with her is time you could be spending with a new friend who wants to invest in your friendship.

LittlePaintBox · 05/02/2020 15:19

I would double check with her and be completely upfront - "You didn't mention inviting me, am I correct in assuming I'm not invited?" It may turn out to be a misunderstanding.

If not ... I had a series of this kind of thing happening with the person I considered my oldest and best friend. I had to reconsider, and realise that, to her, I was just one of many people she might invite to things. I also realised I also thought of her as the needy one in our relationship, so was prepared to put myself out quite a lot for her, but in fact she was quite able to look after herself as she's changed over the hundreds of years we've known each other.

This hurt my feelings a lot at the time, but I've got used to the fact that things have changed now.

prampushingdownthehighst · 05/02/2020 15:25

Gosh I can understand why you feel so upset but at the risk of repeating what pp have mentioned....Are you sure that you are invited, your friend assumed you would know without giving an invitation?
If she has deliberately not invited you that is just awful really

theoriginalmadambee · 05/02/2020 15:30

Maybe she will invite you.

If not perhaps she is just using you to moan? Or even worse you are not invited as you are single (since her other friend has her bf invited)?

Unless she invites you, I would cut down on being her ear. For all you know, she might be quite upbeat with others.

Bunnyfuller · 05/02/2020 15:31

@Froglette16 Has a good idea, OP. You could even ask her if there’s anything you can help out with on the day? (Help keep her DC occupied?)

I’d email reiterating how over the moon you are for her and say this.

Alternatively, it is possible you over-egged the financial impact of driving to pick her up (not saying that’s right) and has re-evaluated your friendship.
Your post has an air of irritation around choices she’s made, I wonder if a ‘you’ve brought this all on yourself’ vibe has leaked from you.
My mum likes to play the victim and I know now not to remind her of her choices and just go a bit grey rock and talk about the dog or the weather.

I personally wouldn’t advise stopping contacting her - if this is the usual pattern she could think PA and that you’re sulking because she hasn’t invited you.
Keep us posted!

restawhile77 · 05/02/2020 15:31

I’d be up front, you’ve nothing to lose, ask her what she wants for a wedding present, then throw in a casual, “I’ll have to get looking for a nice outfit” kind of thing. If you aren’t invited, she’ll have to tell you there and then. If that makes her uncomfortable, so what, she didn’t have a problem letting you know her other friend was invited.

BillieEilish · 05/02/2020 15:34

I think she is just having a very low key wedding with family only. Hmm Grin

You seem overly concerned with her mental health to me and convinced she is not happy, when she about to get married! Any way she picks up on a 'patronising' vibe from you.

I would! (Sorry, but you asked and I am clearly in the minority here)

JillAmanda · 05/02/2020 15:36

Just ask and if it’s a no I’d ditch her.

saraclara · 05/02/2020 15:36

I’m thinking I’ll stop messaging her first and see if she messages me?

I wouldn't do that. It's very passive aggressive. And like many others here, I'm far from convinced that you're not invited.

In your place, I think next time I saw her I'd ask about the wedding again, and just say (calmly and pleasantly), "I was a bit confused when I left you last time, about whether I'm invited or not"
If she says not, don'tkick off, but you'll have your answer. And in your place I'd probably decide that the friendship isn't worth it.

FooFighter99 · 05/02/2020 15:37

It sounds like she's punishing you for not visiting her often enough...

Is she really worth the aggro?

Kwkwjwkek · 05/02/2020 15:38

I’m confused, she didn’t actually say you weren’t invited? I don’t understand why you didn’t say anything then. I wouldve been like “I hope I'm invited right”....then she what she would’ve said. I’d ask her right now if you’re invited. Seems strange she’d would invite other friends and her partners work colleagues and not you!

EvaHarknessRose · 05/02/2020 15:40

I presume you go to her half the time? I'd say 30 minute drive is roughly equivalent to 15 minutes bus ride.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 05/02/2020 15:47

Another one here who thinks maybe it was just assumed you were going and listing the other people coming, not actually saying the words “and you, obviously” because she thought it didn’t need to be said.

If it does turn out you are excluded, then under the circumstances you’re not being unreasonable to be hurt. Of course people are entitled the wedding they want, but why exclude their oldest friend yet invite some recent workmates and other randoms like the college friend’s boyfriend?
If that does turn out to be the case, I would cut contact with her as she has shown her true colours and doesn’t value your friendship as much as you value hers. It’s not your fault she’s angry with life and it’s not your responsibility to fix her if she has issues.

KillingEvenings · 05/02/2020 15:47

Youve been friends long enough that I wouldn't just stop messaging her. But you could message that you've been trying to figure out if something were wrong between you that caused her to not invite you, seeing as you mentioned x, y, and z were invited.