I don't fit in. What am I doing wrong?

[Mariagatzs12]

I came from across the pond 11 years ago. I've never really had a British friend (I had one for maybe 9 months). When I was in London all of my colleagues where from abroad. The got moved to the west country by my exH almost 6 years ago but as of to this day I still have no close friends.

It's frustrating but also think there isn't much I can do. I don't know if it's because I'm too different? I live in a village where most moms are SAHM but I'm very career driven. I think the vast majority didn't go to uni and I have an MA. I'm Jewish and have a heavy Ameican accent. I don't watch love island nor the day time soaps.

I had a very privileged upbringing and have been called a "Chelsea Princess" but I'm not. Yes I had a nanny, a maid, and a gardener when growing up. Went to private schools and have been around the world but that doesn't mean I'm stuck up.

I don't think over the past few years people have given me the chance. I have a friend who I relate to, but she's not British either.

I lurk on mumsnet because that's how I more or less have come to understand the British psyche, but 90% I feel like I don't fit in and it's a never ending vicious cycle.

You sound a bit sneery. Why mention Love Island and soaps? Lots of people don't watch either of those and have friends, so it's probably not that...

It sounds as if you and your life are very different from the other people in your village and that can be hard to get over. Tbh you also come across as a bit snobbish, but I suspect you don’t mean to be at all. Do you have any hobbies you can use as a basis for making friends?

It's not easy making friends when older.

Do you have a hobby or sport where you're in a team or you meet with a group?

It sounds like you've made up your mind about what the women in your village are like without actually knowing any of them, and the fact that they haven't shown that much interest in you makes me think you've sort of fabricated reasons why they don't like you and are now bitter about that.
My closest friends range from people I've known since I was 12 to people I met 3 years ago. Do you do anything outside of work? Hobbies etc?

I think listing why you had a privileged upbringing is probably part of the reason. We know what a privileged upbringing means

@skippy67 I'm sure loads of people don't watch them. But in the FB groups I'm in a lot of people talk about them. With the moms I've ever talked to it's either about the kids or Brexit (no kidding!) The other mom I'm friends with we had a conversation about why we thought the literature curriculum should include French, German and Russian writers. Our fathers are very similar, so I get we had similar upbringings in some respects

Purple I went to yoga for a bit but not much happened. Volunteered for cats protection and people were lovely but the average age was about 70. Which is great, I love talking to older people but I'm half their age so not the same.

I'm sorry you are feeling like you have no friends. It's hard to move to a different country and culture.

It's very noticeable in your post that you focus a lot on other people and their presumed perception of you. This is likely to come through in real life and it's probability off-putting for others. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've lived in many different countries as a teen and adult and the one place o really struggled was when I kept focussing on all the difference and how different (better?) I was to everyone else.
I suggest that you focus on common ground. It can be small things. Find out about people around you. Ok, they like soaps, and you don't, but that's not really a fundamental factor. What do they care about? Is there a local cause you can get involved with? An environmental project, caring for animals, fundraising for the library, etc. It's in those situations you'll find people with similar values. And yes, I'm not naive, there will be people in the village who think you are a stuck up cow, but just don't focus your energy on those.

Btw, as an outsider I've learned that soaps and now love island are a form of British social glue. I don't partake, but I don't judge either.

Good luck and I hope in time you'll make true connections. It's sad to live without friends.

I'm a highly trained professional in a traditionally male job living in a village where many of the other school mums have husbands who work in the city and are either SAHMs or have part time jobs just to get them out the house. I am slightly older than the average mother round here too, and don't have interests that marry up with what they seem to get up to (I think that is what you are getting at with the Love Island reference.)

I don't think it is your accent, your religion or your upbringing that is the problem, it is the fact that you probably don't have anything in common with these people. I don't have anything in common with many of the women in my village except for the fact that we have children. I don't have any close friends from them, but it doesn't bother me. I have a huge friendship network from my hobbies though, and they are the friends that count for me. I ride horses, am a member of several different clubs, and go to their socials and evenings out as well as days out with them. Do you have any hobbies that you could get more involved in?

I think you've had harsh and unfair responses. You don't sound sneery or snobby, you sound honest (and personally I find the obsession with shite TV such as Love Island utterly depressing)

I live in a similar village. I don't fit in either (though I am autistic so that's probably the reason for me!). There seems to be unwritten social rules that everyone just gets. And being seen to "fit in" is absolutely key.

I can't offer any solution, but just want to say "I get it". Britain can be a tricky place socially.

It's just hard making friends in your thirties and forties. Really hard. With women especially.

Why not move to a city where you're more likely to be able to find a social club that reflects your core interests and find more career-focused people?

My (British) parents moved us to an English village when we were kids and although we kids had plenty of friends they were never really accepted as true 'villagers'.

It's not you.

I think the country and villages can be very difficult to fit into if you don’t fit the mould of the others living there. And weren’t born there! I don’t know that this is that helpful, bit I’ve bern much happier since I moved away from that environment and started meeting some like minded souls.

Mumsnet isn't representative of "the British psyche" (whatever that means - Brits aren't one big hive mind). That said, I think there are broad cultural differences between Britian and the States that can make it difficult for Americans here (I'm assuming you're American, not Canadian). You do sound a bit like you think you're better than other people, even if you're just stating facts. But I think people here are unlikely to be impressed by your MA or taste in TV programs. There's more of a tendency to be self-deprecating. How do people in your new village know you had a nanny, maid (!) etc as a child?
Have you read "Watching the English" by (IIRC, can't be bothered to Google) Kate Fox? I think that would give a much more helpful insight into the 'British psyche' than MN, which has a culture all of its own!
I'm afraid to say, though, if you've rocked up in a village in the West Country talking in your 'heavy American accent about your MA, career prospects, and how rich your parents were, the damage may have been done. You might find more like-minded Brits in a city in the South East? 🤷🏼‍♀️

The British tend to be very classist. The type of people that like love island aren’t going to like the type of people who had a nanny and went to private schools. The type of people that had a nanny and went to private schools aren’t going to like someone who is ostensibly American. I would suggest either toning it down or assimilating if you want to gain British friends.

It sounds like you've made up your mind about what the women in your village are like without actually knowing any of them

THIS ^^

Have you tried mirroring? I don't mean being insincere or trying to pretend to be someone you are not, but making a conscious effort to relate to and engaging with others, and conveying that their concerns are meaningful to you.

Chances are you'll find a few women who have other interests, apart from LI and soaps.

The thing is, saying that all the other mums are SAHMs who didn’t go to university and spend their time on soaps and Love Island, is a hugely sweeping and sneering generalisation.

I’ve got one A level to my name and I work in a shop but my friends range from retail workers, Carers, sahms and nursery workers to teachers, solicitors, doctors and diplomats.

I’ll talk to most people though and don’t judge people on appearances, accents or assumptions.

Oh and my sister is career focused and earns six figures but absolutely LOVES Love Island. I’ve never seen it.

Have you read "Watching the English" by Kate Fox? If not, read it now! It will help you to understand why you feel this way. My situation is very different to yours but I am also a fish-out-of-water. I think you do need to try to find an interest you can share, whether that is via a hobby/club or naff TV.

The type of people that like love island aren’t going to like the type of people who had a nanny and went to private schools. The type of people that had a nanny and went to private schools aren’t going to like someone who is ostensibly American

Utter Shite

Also, just want to say - I don't really watch TV at all, went to university twice (no MA though, just a BA and a BSc), have travelled a lot (but more like a military brat upbringing than lots of foreign holidays), so it's not like those things are outside the realm of experience for British people...

Yes, exactly the Love Island reference is for things in common.

They obviously don't know from the outset that I had the maid/gardener/nanny.

I remember when I used to work long hours and sometimes weeks aways from home, s couple of moms would ask where had I been. I would reply with a "I had to be working in X country and just came back". At least twice moms behind me would say that they'd never dare to abandon their children. I didn't try to take it personally but it still hurt.

Who you are and what you are interested in is surely more than just your background? You seem to define yourself by your education and background.

I think you need to find like-minded people, and to do so you may need to move to a bigger town /city then join in with everything you can where you might meet people with similar interests (whatever they may be).

It's hard to say where you're going wrong. In my experience, you don't have to have had vastly the same experiences in order to be friends. In fact, most of my friends have had different upbringings or grew up in different cultures. I just think you have to be interested in the other person and not go in with any pre-conceived notions. It kind of sounds like you have gone in with pre-conceived ideas of what these people are like.

I grew up in the Caribbean, have never watched Love Island, haven't watched any soaps since I was a kid, have a degree and have always worked. I still have friends! I met a lot of friends through work and i've worked hard to maintain those relationships.

The trouble is, op, you could be born in the U.K. and move to a village, and you would probably feel like an outsider for the first 10 years.

I'm afraid it does take time to integrate. Do your dc go to school locally? PTAs are often a good way to meet people, but it sounds like you might not have the time, if you are pursuing a career? Also I think you should widen your horizons a bit. You really shouldn't be thinking that you will only have anything in common with people who've had the same level of education or are the same age as you. Guess what? There are many lovely, intelligent and interesting people around who have never been near a university or who happen to have been born before you!

Ah OP my Sister in Law says (frequently) that she can’t work because of her child. Because he needs her to be at home.

Her child is 12.

She often says this in mixed company of parents who work, often long hours. But she always has a reason why her case is different (there are no additional needs or anything). It’s just quite funny to me now but it used to make me feel shit.

Basically I think people will always justify their choices if they feel judged. When I was a SAHM my sister once told me her brains would melt if she had to be at home all the time. She did later say it was jealousy talking.

The mums saying about not bearing to leave their kids are very likely to be a bit jealous of your jet-setting and being a bit spiky about it in defence.

Trying to make friends in the school playground is risky anyway, the only thing you have in common is your children.