I don't fit in. What am I doing wrong?

[Mariagatzs12]

I came from across the pond 11 years ago. I've never really had a British friend (I had one for maybe 9 months). When I was in London all of my colleagues where from abroad. The got moved to the west country by my exH almost 6 years ago but as of to this day I still have no close friends.

It's frustrating but also think there isn't much I can do. I don't know if it's because I'm too different? I live in a village where most moms are SAHM but I'm very career driven. I think the vast majority didn't go to uni and I have an MA. I'm Jewish and have a heavy Ameican accent. I don't watch love island nor the day time soaps.

I had a very privileged upbringing and have been called a "Chelsea Princess" but I'm not. Yes I had a nanny, a maid, and a gardener when growing up. Went to private schools and have been around the world but that doesn't mean I'm stuck up.

I don't think over the past few years people have given me the chance. I have a friend who I relate to, but she's not British either.

I lurk on mumsnet because that's how I more or less have come to understand the British psyche, but 90% I feel like I don't fit in and it's a never ending vicious cycle.

Yes, hopefully if things go well we'll be moving to a town in the next couple of months. New house, new baby, new life even if it's in the same county.

Side note, how do I advertise a book club?

I like bright bold colours and I'm loud

Op I'm really sorry, but I can't help visualising you as Bette Midler now

I wouldn't assume that just because most mums are SAHMs they are not educated to a similar level as you. In my village quite a few mums who don't work have been to uni and have simply chosen not to work for the time being. It also depends on how you come across; there were two American families at our school over the course of two years, and they voiced some 'strange' opinions at times, e.g. regarding guns (Everybody needs one, God, etc.), which didn't go down well. I'm not British by birth either and still struggle at times, but people are people and I believe you can make friends anywhere if you are open-minded, get involved in your local community, etc.

Hahaha I'm like a classy but eccentric Fran Drescher (the Nanny)

Side note, how do I advertise a book club?

I started one via the 'local' pages of MN. Someone else had written a post asking if anyone would be interested in joining a book group in our area. I said yes, as did a few others, then the OP disappeared, so I ended being the one to suggest a book, a date and a venue - and that was how it started. I remember turning up that evening and wondering if anyone else would show up, but a few did and that was 8 years ago! Alternatively, you could put up a notice in a local shop or cafe.

If you live in a village in the English countryside where most or all inhabitants are English and you are from a far off place, then you will probably experience some difficulties breaking through the invisible wall between you and them. The countryside is NOT like London where the immigrant rules. So maybe you are in the wrong place? Also, village people tend to be more isolated not just geographically but in their minds too. They tend to be conservative in their mindset and probably not well travelled.
Please do not try to emulate them. Americans tend to do this, especially with the English and the French.
Your best option is to become friends with some other mums through your children but I know these friendships are often built on mutual benefits for the kids rather than genuine interest in each other.
Other than that ..eeer...move to a big city?

Perhaps the fact that you don’t have friends is part of why you find it difficult building/maintaining friendships. You essentially may be lacking in social skills unfortunately.

I feel like I can get along with practically anyone - so can definitely carry conversations with someone from a completely different background. That just comes with being comfortable in social situations and constantly being in touch with people. Sometimes I have a conversation with a friend, then go onto have the exact same chat with someone else later, as an ice breaker/general conversation filler etc

I’m surprised that you didn’t make many friends in London. I’m a Londoner and have made friends with people who are from a range of different countries, and to be honest I don’t really think they had much difficulty? A Canadian friend moved to London for work at 30, and within weeks made extremely close friendships that have lasted years. (She was having landlord difficulties so they literally asked her to move in within a few weeks of knowing her!). She is extremely sociable and extroverted though, I think you have to be when you move somewhere new.

Oh dear, at one level, I can imagine them being v clicquey in a small village but on the other hand, perhaps they are scared of you!

@mnthrowaway202020 I did make friends in London, some of which I'm still in touch with, just none of them were British

You must feel like Margaret Brown in Titanic.
Why are you hankering after British people? Only they will do?
You are not British yourself so why not try building friendships with foreigners? Friendship is not about nationality.

Kalifa I think you're missing the point. I'm asking how to get British friends as that's what's the 99% of the population is in my village. Theres only 3 non British people in my village, me included. Even when you go to the local town there are no minorities.

@Kalifa, I have to say I can’t understand why in earth you are suggesting that there is an issue with the OP wanting to make friends with brits.

I mean, she is living in the U.K. Surely, part if actually integrating in the society is about making friends with BRITISH people?
Why should she restrict herself to be friends with foreigners instead?

What's the town you're moving to like OP? Why did you choose it? Has it got more diversity do you think?

I'd be living in the 'now'. Showing who you are as an adult and showcasing what I great person you are.
You seem a little stuck in the past talking about your upbringing and maids etc. Pretty sure it will make people think you are stuck up your own ass.
Presumably this was years++ ago and mentioning it so much makes you sound a little egotistical.

I'd also not make assumptions that Sahm's are educated to a lesser degree than yourself or that they necessarily watch love island.
Maybe there are issues with your social skills?

The maids thing I never mention. The nanny thing has come more in conversation because me grandparents where very absent (we called my grandma "Grandma Burns") and my nanny filled that hole. I don't think anyone knows about the gardener apart from my exH and husband who have both met him.

The town is still a small town. But at least I can walk to work and have a Starbucks )it reminds me of home). There's also fairly interesting bars and a couple of restaurants.

I'll be very close to the train station so I can just go to somewhere bigger like Exeter if I wanted to.

I'm not stereotyping the SAHMs but that has been my experience in this village. Going back to Beaconsfield there were a bunch of lawyers, accountants, doctors, ex city people etc...who were taking a break in their careers.

Offer them you put the kettle on and give them a nice cup of tea. They will treat you like one of them

Kalifa It's laughable but I don't even own a kettle as I don't drink tea only coffee but o see your point :)

If you don't fit in, don't worry but don't change! If the other mums are worth knowing then you will eventually find yourself friends. They will like you.
I am a sahm, partly due to a disability that is not seen....only when I get bruises or disappear for a while!
I have been looked down upon from both sides. Sahm, because I dress a certain way...smart, heels, blazer. Then I've been looked down upon because I don't work.
I look confident, but I'm not!
Keep smiling, even at the ones who are rude. Try to make contact.
Cliques are awful anyway, best to stay away. Have a look around...they'll be a few like you, on the sidelines. Make an effort.

Hi, I feel your pain. I have spent probably too much time thinking about this.

I attended an international school and was used to mixing with all sorts and types of people. Then, boarding school in England, quite the difference but now I have great friends from both schools.

Absolutely, read the Kate Fox Watching the English. There are now complete versions in PDF format in the internet.

It's not easy being one person who seems different. YY to hobbies and clubs. And volunteering and starting groups.

And don't expect the find 'your people' in a geographic location. You could easily find yourself alone and lonely as a new parent in the middle of London

One tip I would like to pass on is that some of my best, most long lasting friendship have started exactly when I have announced I'm leaving the area. I have no idea why but it happened often enough to make me wonder.

My mother encouraged me to be a friend, rather than look for friends. I try to follow her excellent example. Good luck

I think your coming across quite snobbish. Im British,hate love Island and soaps,my best friend is Polish and LOVES British and Polish love Island and her Polish soaps.

What about buggy running if your baby is old enough? There a few mums running groups around me (SW town). I’m a trans-plant and most of the people I’ve befriended are also folk who have moved here as I kept finding other people had all been to school together so even if friendly on one level it never went further as they didn’t need to as they all had friends from the last 20+yrs.

The West Country is notoriously insular and wary towards outsiders. Also, as a PP says above, move within the U.K. to a small village and you might well find the same problem.

I think the UK also has very particular codes around politeness strategy, etc. which involves a lot of reading subtext and directness can be misinterpreted as bluntness, being overbearing or a lack of manners.

I struggled after returning from a country with more assertive interactions (and less indirect politeness strategy) - and I’m British.

Not to say that this applies to you, but these are common pitfalls, I suspect, for those moving from abroad.

It doesn’t sound like you’re focusing on or amplifying differences - more that you’re just trying to work out what it could be that means that friendships aren’t just ‘gelling’ where you are.

Have you tried volunteering or getting involved in other organisations locally? It could be a chance to get to know people and create something in common. Also groups for hobbies and activities. Meetup is excellent (you may well know it).

I think you’re very brave - I don’t think I could move to a village in the West Country (although I’m sure there are many lovely places) and would absolutely hate it! City and village mentalities are often very different.

I too think your problem is living in a village. People can be very small minded! I know what this is like as I come from Suffolk, near a place where white supremicists have putting stickers up all over the place, including school gates...

My mother encouraged me to be a friend, rather than look for friends. I try to follow her excellent example.

That is great advice @FinallyHere