I don't fit in. What am I doing wrong?

[Mariagatzs12]

I came from across the pond 11 years ago. I've never really had a British friend (I had one for maybe 9 months). When I was in London all of my colleagues where from abroad. The got moved to the west country by my exH almost 6 years ago but as of to this day I still have no close friends.

It's frustrating but also think there isn't much I can do. I don't know if it's because I'm too different? I live in a village where most moms are SAHM but I'm very career driven. I think the vast majority didn't go to uni and I have an MA. I'm Jewish and have a heavy Ameican accent. I don't watch love island nor the day time soaps.

I had a very privileged upbringing and have been called a "Chelsea Princess" but I'm not. Yes I had a nanny, a maid, and a gardener when growing up. Went to private schools and have been around the world but that doesn't mean I'm stuck up.

I don't think over the past few years people have given me the chance. I have a friend who I relate to, but she's not British either.

I lurk on mumsnet because that's how I more or less have come to understand the British psyche, but 90% I feel like I don't fit in and it's a never ending vicious cycle.

You're really not listening OP. There’s absolutely no reason why you should feel like an outsider after eleven years. You’re just too fond of your ‘difference’.

I'll send you my british friends who are struggling just as much as the OP @SurpriseSparDay.
Some areas are just NOT welcoming at all. One of them was mentioning that it took her 10 years to start making friends when she moved. And that was just 3 dcs in primary and doing the school run every single day, making an effort to meet people up etc... And of course, wo the specific issues coming with being a foreigner.

If you moved to the West Country to be with your ex-husband and you don't like it, why are you still there? It's not the most welcoming part of the country for newcomers and you'd be far more likely to meet your kind of people in London.
Whereabouts are you based? It's no good going to mums' groups and expecting to chat about Russian literature - but at Exeter University/Dartington, you'd meet people with your interests. Plenty of National Trust properties in the West Country who would welcome younger volunteers.

@Nom I can't be doing with that sort of thing now. The last time I felt really uncomfortable and had to leave a pub was about 6- 8 years ago, was looking to eat there. There were a couple of men at the bar and one of them seemed to deliberately intimidate me, by really staring in a menacing manner, and then my partner (who's usually quite fiery, but alot older than this young bloke, I say bloke because I cannot call him anything nicer) and even he was happy to just quietly leave. Never went back.

Was the pub called the “slaughtered lamb”? Maybe they were trying to warn you to leave before nightfall....

I'm British through and through, and have lived in this village for over 30 years.

My dc have been right through the local school system and out the other side and are now at work. In all the time they were at school, I met dozens and dozens of other mums. On the whole, pretty much all of them were friendly and chatty at the school gate, but that was mostly it. We were friends with one another, but not on the level you want. After all that time and all those people, I made two close friends. Two. In nearly 20 years.

But... through my hobbies, work, dc's hobbies, neighbours and DH's work and social life I have many other friends too - male and female of all ages and they come from all walks of life.

On the one hand, there's the professor, the human rights lawyer, the accountant, the author, the hospital consultant, the town councillor, the duchess the pop star. On the other we have the firefighter, the farmer, the farmer's wife, the electrician, the nurse, the admin clerk, the mechanic, the physiotherapist, the unemployed, the never-employed. I've known some of them for years and have no idea what their qualifications are, or where they studied, or what trashy tv programmes they watch. We find other things to talk about, and with all of them, the one thing we share is the same sense of humour.

Buy a kettle. Learn how to make tea, and preferably learn to enjoy drinking it.

Above all, learn to listen.

@katy1213 because we have a daughter with shared custody 50/50.

I know there more to life that trash TV and level of studies. My husband dropped out of his A levels, yet he understands me a lot better than my ex husband Dr Oxbridge. We love each other dearly and have a connection like I've never felt it before. My own family questioned it before we got married. My mother said "what are you going to do when the good sex ends?"

After the baby was born she spent a month with us she mentioned how warm and loving our home was.

So your dm thought you couldn’t possibly have a fulfilling relationship with someone who wasn’t a doctor?

I don’t mean to be disrespectful OP but I can kind of understand why you seem a little...erm...superior.

Yes, my dad felt the same way too but they've both changed their mind and really love him.

OP I think you've had a hard time on here.

I moved from London to somewhere rural and I struggled to make friends, despite being on may leave and going to every baby activity I could find, because most people had their mates that they had grown up with. Funnily enough, there were a few American ladies who I got on with but they found it the same.

Anyway I'm back in London and actually need to make some new friends so your thread has inspired me to do something, lots of ideas to consider.

I'd love more details of your atheist Rabbi and community if you could PM me? I'm a NW Jew by upbringing if not current beliefs.

I don't have a kettle either I drink coffee, water or booze!

To fit in with the English you really need to consciously adopt self-deprecation and apology as a way of life!

Also, why assume that being a SAHM defines someone? It’s often only a phase in a woman’s life. Why not assume that someone is well-educated, open-minded and fascinating until proven otherwise?

Even on here you do come across as a little wrapped up in status and signifiers of achievement. Tone it down to almost zero and that will probably be about the right level for the average English person.

You probably need to move to a more diverse area tbh. Some areas can be really tribal almost, and if you are culturally a bit different, you will only fit in to an extent at best. The term " small town mentatility" exists for a reason.

Op o was born in the U.K. and now moved to a village. Can you not just watch love island? I don't I detest it but away from school sent me a text and said not to judge her but love island is so funny I just watch it.
I dragged myself through an episode so I could join in with the chat.

This chat then led to coffee mornings. Then to lunches and then onto dinner party's. The thing with being the odd one out is sometimes it's easier to either join them or accept nothing will change if you don't make changes. Said friend lives in a £
Recently purchased £3m house so not exactly a mere commoner. But definitely a villager who has zero aspirations to live a life past her dh income. But I still get it leave my house not alone and I still get to chat about things like the dc which to me is better than not chatting at all. Could this be worth it for you?

A lady from school not away from school*

My generalisation is of this very small.village. The SAHM mom's I've met don't have a degree. The ones in Beaconsfield did (so.i know it's not true for ALL SAHMs). One is an artist though, and I do get along with her. I offered to help her with her son when she was going to be away for health reasons, my exH had a fit so it never happened. I think the working moms tend to group together, again that's IME from this village. There's a mix of teachers, an art gallery manager, civil servant, charity officer amongst others.

I always thought that divide was just more or.less the norm.

Ok can you answer why your friends have to have a degree?

Just stop calling them ‘moms’!

It’s intensely annoying. (Partly because we are all too familiar with American TV /films and do not like the associations.)

In England female parents are called mothers or mums. (With some other regional variations.) When you say ‘moms’ you set off a whole load of negative vibrations and assumptions about who you are and what you’d expect from mother’s you meet socially.

(That extra apostrophe was entirely my illiterate phone!)

sullivano I never said they had to, my husband doesn't. I and friends in London who didn't have them either.

I'm American I say/pronounce/type mom. Surely the mom thing is just plain prejudice.

Im not going to pick apart any percieved flaws, and I dont see the point. You dont need to have flawless attitudes in order to make friends. Its just another MN classic way of picking apart someone else who says theyre already lonely.
You just need to find your tribe. What about moving to birmingham etc if you want to stay west to keep your access arrangements similar, or another large town/city. Somewhere a bit more vibrant. Get involved with other people whove done uni or branched out in life more. The trick is not to change yourself to fit in - that never works. Find your people and move closer to them.
There may well be nothing wrong with the people in your village except theyre not your type.

Branleuse that'd be great but my exH and I have to be able to do school runs as it's a 50/50.

So what about the ‘teachers, art gallery manager and civil servants’ then? What has been preventing you from slotting into that group? I don’t mean that in an accusatory way, more as an opportunity for reflection.

I have found that I needed to make a conscious effort with other mums, especially as children get older and people aren’t always at the school gate in the same way. I send 1 or 2 texts each week, just checking in with someone or fixing a date to next meet up.

They are my group. Whenever I go out as a group is with them. One is very much my friend (German lady) and at least another one of them I'd definitely call my friend (maybe not a close one but a friend too nonetheless). Actually a few weeks ago I came to the realization that I wasn't completely alone like I used to think. Post divorce a few years ago, I used to think that if I died nobody would notice, no NOK, etc. That feeling was absolutely dreadful. I don't feel that way anymore so it's definitely been an improvement. They're not the type of "how do I look in this?" And I don't feel comfortable enough to say "I need a good cry could you pop over for a drink?" But that's beyond the point I guess. I mentioned previously that I romanticise the idea of a "close friend" maybe that's the main problem.

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say that I agree with a few of the other posters in that you have received some harsh comments by some people on this thread!
You shouldn't have to change yourself dramatically to be acceptable to others unless you want to for your own reasons.
I can't see any issue with saying 'Mom', why does it matter? You shouldn't change the way you dress if you are happy with what you are wearing either.

I think from this thread one of the valuable points is about most British people being self deprecating and underplaying things. But you seem to be aware of that already.
When joining baby groups and activities in the new place I'm sure you will want to take this on board and other constructive comments too.

When you move to a town you will have many more opportunities to join groups and activities that interest you which in turn will hopefully mean you can make some close friends locally.

You sound like a very interesting person. Your comment about wanting close friends who you can help and vice versa is a nice thing. I feel it shows you have a good heart.

I have low self esteem and automatically think nobody will like me. I really only have two friends and I wouldn't say we are super close. But that is mainly my fault because of my confidence, not making efforts to get out there and do things. I like being at home too much!
You are not like me and I applaud you! You want to make the effort and start again and I really hope you will be much happier when you move.
Good luck!

Thank you Happy. I think most people are more than welcome/happy to meet new people and potentially evolve that into lifelong friendships.

Close friendships I think are very different, they're almost like finding a partner, you have to click, the older you get the harder it becomes.

When I first move over here, I met someone through MN she ended up ghosting me. I never knew/understood why.

Some moms have used me. When I divorced things became funny (as with any separation) and some of my "friends" decided to remain friendly with my ex but not me. One in particular to the extent of completely ignoring me when went out for a coffee as a group. To avoid any awkwardness I stopped meeting those moms unless I was sure she wasn't there.

I'm also glad to see I'm not the only one that struggles making "mommy friends" . I don't feel lonely anymore but I hope to find someone I can confide in again one day.

Hi OP,

Friendships can be tricky things. It certainly does get harder with age, its easy for us all to get set in our ways. I have met people over the years and we clicked but then as soon as circumstances have changed we've lost touch I.e. changing jobs , etc.

It is sad that you have experienced some nastiness along the way with the ghosting and being ignored. I tend to think it just wasn't meant to be, even though it hurts.

I think you will find someone you click with and can confide in, it's just a matter of time.