I don't fit in. What am I doing wrong?

[Mariagatzs12]

I came from across the pond 11 years ago. I've never really had a British friend (I had one for maybe 9 months). When I was in London all of my colleagues where from abroad. The got moved to the west country by my exH almost 6 years ago but as of to this day I still have no close friends.

It's frustrating but also think there isn't much I can do. I don't know if it's because I'm too different? I live in a village where most moms are SAHM but I'm very career driven. I think the vast majority didn't go to uni and I have an MA. I'm Jewish and have a heavy Ameican accent. I don't watch love island nor the day time soaps.

I had a very privileged upbringing and have been called a "Chelsea Princess" but I'm not. Yes I had a nanny, a maid, and a gardener when growing up. Went to private schools and have been around the world but that doesn't mean I'm stuck up.

I don't think over the past few years people have given me the chance. I have a friend who I relate to, but she's not British either.

I lurk on mumsnet because that's how I more or less have come to understand the British psyche, but 90% I feel like I don't fit in and it's a never ending vicious cycle.

Coriander Oof that’s harsh! Lots of posts about not making assumptions about people and you’ve decided OP is a self-obsessed narc who thinks she’s better than everyone.

Hang on, OP - "too flashy for Beaconsfield"?! That simply isn't possible. Beaconsfield is all about being flash - brash fits right in there. It really is all about the money. It's bursting at the seams with a certain type, and being flash would have you accepted with open arms.

So I don't think it's that. I do suspect that you are coming across as thinking yourself superior, based on the tone of your posts. That never goes down well. And it's just more difficult to make friends as you get older - there's umpteen threads on here every week with people posting about it.

And it's not necessarily a village thing - think about somewhere like Liverpool: some postcodes you'll always be an outsider, and everyone lives within spitti distance of their parents, their grandparents, and the people each of those generations went to school with.

@PhilipiliHoho IME it was about "understated" wealth. Maybe it has changed over time. I meant flashy almost literally, I like bright bold colours and I'm loud (when happy and comfortable). But I think I would have eventually learned to mute it down. I only loved there a brief time in comparison to how long I've lived in the SW.

@CorianderLord It's a good job you're not judgmental yourself, isn't it, given how much you loathe it.

You seem like a smart woman, you must know that the term used for mothers here is 'mum', Honestly, it grates, we all know you're American.

I live in a small rural village, I have an MA from a prestigious university, before kids I had a very successful career, I live in a massive house. People who've known me a while know these things, but the rest know that I like gardening, I've just got a new puppy, I'm worried about how my DS is settling in to nursery....

I think it's very telling that in your opening post you've mentioned that people who know you in real life perceive you as a 'princess'.

Sounds like you haven't actually tried to fit in. All you've done is look down your nose at others.

I think you're getting a hard time here.

But I also think there is an aspect of "feel you won't fit in and you won't."

I've known people who have told me how much they don't fit in, and the problem is not that they don't, but more they don't expect to, so their reactions are always on that basis.

For example someone told me she didn't fit into a toddler group because she was a single mum. She hadn't got conversational enough with anyone to discover that around half were also single mums. If anyone spoke to her, she immediately got defensive because she thought they were trying to check her out. Result was she came across as unfriendly.

Examples:
"Have you got older children?"
"I don't discuss my children."

"Have you lived here long?"
"Yes."
"I've just moved here, anything you'd recommend."
"No"

She shut down most conversation. Even the most innocuous comments she could take into people trying to find out about her. The last conversation (she told me) she saw the "anything you'd recommend" as an attempt to see what she could afford so they could judge whether she was "worth" being a friend too.

I'm an "outsider" too, an immigrant from another EU country. I think living in a small village is probably not helping you - I actually grew up in a place a bit like that, where lots of people have lived there all their lives and the school mums had gone to school together and now had kids the same age. I know my mum found it hard to fit in sometimes even though she wasn't a foreigner there, but she was definitely an outsider, not part of the group who'd been friends all their lives. I think a lot of small places can be like that.

I'm in my mid 30s and increasingly find the older I get, the less all those easily definable differences (background or education for example) matter - people connect with each other based on shared interests more than anything. I made a lot of friends through cat rescue and we are all very different but have that shared interest/passion.

Maybe you also need to focus less on making "British friends" and just think of it as making friends in general? Are you in touch with any other Americans in the UK? It might help you to feel you're not alone in feeling like an outsider, and the more people you know, the more people you will meet through them. (I made some "British friends" when I met them through others from my native country.)

I'll be your friend OP. I love an american accent and the generally more positive mindset. Sadly I'm right over on the other side of England, but i certainly know what it feels to be stranded by an ex in a strange place. I'm sure lots of my fellow brits feel the same way, maybe they're just not the obvious ones you'll meet on the school run etc.

@viccat the focus on "British" is because that's what I find locally. I'm very friendly with my fellow American Jews who live locally, in fact I'd call them my friends. For better or for worse when we go out it's just us (plus a couple more from our local Jewish community) but it's all very insular.

I was friendly with a Romanian lady who lived in the US but sadly she had to move back to Romania. My other semi close friend is half German half Chilean.

So yes, I have friends or people I'm friendly with, but they aren't what I'd call the average local person.

The baby is a new beginning in many ways. I know at school I'm part of the old "stock" so it's hard to make friends unless they're new themselves.

Have you considered learning bellringing? It doesn't matter that you are Jewish! Bellringers belong to all faiths and none.

Bellringers LOVE learners, and it is such a lively and interesting community of people. If your own village church doesn't have bells I bet the next village along does.

And as an American it may delight you to be part of such an English tradition.

Wherever you move to in the future you will have a ready made community to join.

You can PM me for more info and I can send you links to your local ringing association.

Hmm, I’m British but moved from a town to a small rural village a few years ago. I didn’t have any “friends” for a while. I have quite a few now but I had to put the effort in. I had to go to toddler groups where I knew no one, I had to make conversation at the school gates, I had to ask people I hardly knew if they fancied a brew.

There aren’t many people “like me” around here either- lots of retired people who have come from different parts of the country because it’s a beautiful place, most of the younger generation are born and bred here. I’ve moved around, been to uni and have a stressful professional job, as does my husband. There’s not much in the way of work outside agriculture or tourism so no one moves here for work, we’re unusual in doing so because it’s a midpoint for my husband and I geographically.

I’ve made a couple of “proper” friends who I’ve really clicked with but I’ve got lots of people I could have a brew and a chat with. I never go out to the shop without seeing someone I could stop and chat to for five minutes. I don’t have huge in-depth conversations with them all, we talk about the children and local issues, the things we have in common. They don’t know about my politics or my deepest thoughts. Sometimes it’s about finding common ground, not fulfilling your desire to “fit in”. I think the concept of “small talk” helps to lay down foundations which you can build on, a conversation which starts with television can lead on to other things, it’s no good just thinking “I don’t like tv, I don’t fit in” you need to think about what you do like and try to find that common ground.

Thanks Time I just googled it. I would never have thought it was such an organized hobby! Ironically there are a couple of groups on the village I'm about to move away from and nothing in the bigger town. That being said I'll keep it mind.

At least two things to try, bell ringing and choirs.

I like:

Running, dogs, baking, music in general (I play the piano, my husband is a musician and work in the music industry), astronomy/science in general.
I like traveling quite a bit and languages.
Foreign films, the pre Raphaelites, hard science fiction and speculative fiction.

Joining a book club or a mixology (I like cocktails!) Club would be ideal.

Doing something is the best way to make friends. You start with a shared interest, and spending time together is bonding. Motherhood was OK for temporary aquaintences, but it revolves too much around children's needs and finding someone you like with an infant of compatible temperments.

Rural and small town Britain can be very insular and suspicious. I don't have a local accent which tends to get me marked as "posh". I've had pupils aghast that I travelled 6 MILES to work, doubly amusing that it's an easy running distance, but there are millions of people that live quite closed lives and rarely try anything different and are suspicious of people that don't conform to their idea of normal.

We left London and no way on gods earth would I move back to a village as I knew what it was like. Forget bell ringing move into a city! You can’t have a rural idyll and meet a wide variety of interesting and like minded people as you are going to be very different to them from what you have written.

Yes, I'm originally from California (Greater LA) but spent all of my college and early career years in Boston. I'm a city girl full stop. I'd love to go back and live in one. I miss the noise, the cosmopolitan vibe, culture , even smog and traffic. But I'm here now and have to make the most of it in the meantime.

Move! Villages can be awful my lovely friend is English and extremely posh and even she is not included in her village.

Californians so friendly we only went there on holiday dh joined a cycling group and totally welcomed and included he’s still in touch!

I don’t often fit in either ,but it hadn’t occurred to me I don’t fit in because of my upbringing..I was dragged up backwards through a hedge ,I try so hard to cover that up..but now you’ve made me think it does matter .
Interesting thought I shall ponder on today ,that your upbringing may well impact on fitting in..I’ve always hidden mine and hoped no one noticed I didn’t get ‘ normal’ 😥

@Christmaspug I'm not saying it's definite but I think similar live experiences will make you bond more easily.

I would think upbringing does impact on a person, it must do. From then on its how one deals with other people, and the changes that come along throughout life. It depends on whether you are wanting a long term deeper friendship, or acquaintances. Also, without realising it perhaps you are just trying too hard. It's the same principle as say looking for a relationship with a man. Try too hard and it won't happen. If you want a long term friend it will take time after you've met someone, for that deeper bond to grow. Maybe wait and see how things are when you go back to work, because again your life will change. Life isn't always easy in the winter here, you might be experiencing the winter blues! As for villages, even for a native (of this country) it probably takes a while to fit in.

My husband and so had very different upbringings. We still truly understand each other but our weakest point is housework. When he gets frustrated he always find a way to twist it to "what csn I know if I always had a maid".

That being said, I get along with his SIL but we both have in common that we adore animals (an the same in laws). It's a shame she lives 8 hours away.

I’ve moved back to the same village I grew up in and feel an outsider. They’ve been busy since I left building lots of aspirational homes on all the lovely green fields and lots of posh people from elsewhere have moved in.

you probably don't have anything in common with these people

I agree. But then if I lived in a village I'd be the same and I was born in this country! Lots of good suggestions though and I'd advise you to start your own book group, if you can. That's what I did, not least because people can be territorial about their book groups and it can be hard to break in if you're the newbie. Running is a good one - do you have a local running group? Might not be easy with a small baby, but you could perhaps join in the future or even start one. We have a great local women's running group - it's very social and friendly. Or if you're truly fed up and feel you've done all you can in your village to make friends is there a town you could move to? I realise you're stuck near your ex, but surely a local move would be okay?