I don't fit in. What am I doing wrong?

[Mariagatzs12]

I came from across the pond 11 years ago. I've never really had a British friend (I had one for maybe 9 months). When I was in London all of my colleagues where from abroad. The got moved to the west country by my exH almost 6 years ago but as of to this day I still have no close friends.

It's frustrating but also think there isn't much I can do. I don't know if it's because I'm too different? I live in a village where most moms are SAHM but I'm very career driven. I think the vast majority didn't go to uni and I have an MA. I'm Jewish and have a heavy Ameican accent. I don't watch love island nor the day time soaps.

I had a very privileged upbringing and have been called a "Chelsea Princess" but I'm not. Yes I had a nanny, a maid, and a gardener when growing up. Went to private schools and have been around the world but that doesn't mean I'm stuck up.

I don't think over the past few years people have given me the chance. I have a friend who I relate to, but she's not British either.

I lurk on mumsnet because that's how I more or less have come to understand the British psyche, but 90% I feel like I don't fit in and it's a never ending vicious cycle.

OP I was brought up in a tiny village and I escaped as soon as I could. There is this weird fantasy of village life that people brought up in the suburbs and cities have. Village life is hard. Many people are born and brought up there. There's resentment towards interlopers who push up house prices meaning that locals are priced out. There's little public transport or night life and some people can be hostile because they see outsiders as a 'threat'.

People brought up in a village who are SAHM may think you are looking down on them. I find that it's best to just keep things to myself until I get to know people better because it may sound as though you are showing off which builds resentment.

Americans tend to be a bit more open than the British, hold back. If someone asks where you've been, just say away with work. Try to find things in common with people and meet them half way. I don't like Love Island or trash TV in general but if you ask a few questions, you may find that the other person has a lot more in common with you than you first thought.

Get involved in the local community, there's often something going on even if it's a jumble sale to raise money for the local church. There might be a hiking group or book club. You might have to start watching something you normally wouldn't in order to build a bridge.

The type of people that like love island aren’t going to like the type of people who had a nanny and went to private schools. The type of people that had a nanny and went to private schools aren’t going to like someone who is ostensibly American

Oh what bollocks. I went to private school and had a reasonably privileged upbringing and now work in a very intellectually heavy, professional job. I still watch Love Island (as do most of my office!) and have many american friends.

I was born and raised here - in THIS exact little area in the UK, and I don't fit in precisely because I DIDN'T have a privileged upbringing. I've had a lot of bad luck - abusive family, addiction, abusive controlling ex, fighting health problems, my small children needing surgery and MRI's - that makes me not worth bothering with here.

You do sound braggy though, just personally how your post reads. Littered with "Career driven, maid, gardener, nanny, private schools, around the world" you forgot your big house and fancy car. You'll attract a certain type of person talking like that.

You'd fit in where I'm from though believe me!

OP, I grew up in a village, sometimes it can be a village mentality, they don't like people who are village born and bred, they never accepted my dad and he was only from London....
That being said I have several degrees including a PhD and am Jewish and most of my friends never finished A-Levels and aren't religious and none of us watch Love Island, sometimes you just need to be a bit more open to people, you don't have to have everything in common to be friends.
Join some groups if you can, try and get involved in village events, village life and just be yourself, people will like you for you, not for your degrees or religion. Or like other posters have commented perhaps move to a small city where it has a bit more life to it, I found once i moved out of the village , a lot changed :)

I have three very close members of family who have come to the UK to live and bring up their families. Interestingly, the one who has made most friends and settled most successfully is in a village in the West Country. She’s a joiner in, it’s a very diverse population and she very friendly.

Villages and small towns do offer lots of opportunities for volunteering for community events, groups and classes. I think you need to go along with a very open approach and accept the people there for what they are as much as you want to be be accepted for who you are.

My relative who most fits your profile (quite a lot actually) has now made a good group of friends but as far as I know none are British. She gravitates to people of her own background and also works for friends with the same heritage. She’s happy but hasn’t made huge inroads in this and unfortunately I think it does affect their DC because of it.

The third member of my family also struggled to integrate and made most friends at the school gate but nothing that became deeper. I think she has been very lonely at times and she was in London until moving abroad.

I love them all but certainly I wouldn’t necessarily blame your problems on ‘village mentality ‘, I’ve plenty of family in the west and in small villages and all have got out what they’ve put in.

Good luck in your new town.

Maybe it's possible to relocate to a city. You don't sound like a small town girl at all.

I should have said, a diverse population socially. Certainly not ethnically.

My first years in the UK were spent in NW London and later Beaconsfield in South Bucks.

Living in London was great, always something going on, never got bored, etc... Beaconsfield was very cliquey, I think I was bit too flashy for them, but overall I think I would have eventually persevered.

I developed really lovely friendships in London some of them I'm still in touch with more than 8 years later.

Being on ML is the time to make friends.

Go to every local baby group, sign up for everything and throw yourself into everything.

I moved from London when I was pg with ds1 to an area where I didn't know a soul. I went to loads of social things when pg and baby things when he was born. I met loads of lovely people and most of them are still great friends now.

It takes a bit of effort and lots of asking questions and listening and showing an interest in everyone you meet at first but it's absolutely worth it.

I really feel for you. Having spent time living in the US I know us brits can be pretty reserved and guarded by comparison. So sorry you haven’t found your kind of people in your village (I’m UK born and bread and would never live in a village for this reason). When I moved from London to a smaller city I tried lots of things but joining a choir is where I found my people. There’s something about singing together that quickly creates a bond. I wouldn’t focus or worry about having too much in common with potential friends, you only need to be able to have a good chat and a laugh. Good luck. Also try looking on the Meetup.com website for things in your new area.

this isn't going to be popular: i think you could do with living in an area where people are from a similar educational/career background to yourself. that is a massively broadbrush thing to say and i will qualify it! i know lots of very savvy, clever people who haven't had a higher education- it's complete luck of the draw whether or not a kid is born into a family that encourages higher education. But, my meaningful friendships are always with people from a similar background- degree educated it. we don't necessarily sit around discussing kafka; in fact some of us watch love island! but there's a wavelength, a humour, an understanding between us. it's human nature to want to be with people like oneself. my partner went to university; his sister didn't- her friendship group is very different to his. she is perfectly happy and i promise you i don't look down on her (in fact i worry that she thinks i'm a bit neurotic), but there's a limit to our relationship- we cannot talk to each other in the way we do our friends. good luck to you; just one or two meaningful relationships can mean the world.

OP, if you were "too flashy" for Beaconsfield, one of the wealthiest towns in the UK, I'm afraid you are going to be far, far too flashy for a small village in the West Country! I'm not suggesting a flashy lifestyle or extreme wealth are in themselves bad things, but if that's your thing then you're unlikely to find your tribe where you are.
Are your children educated locally? Have they made friends at school?
(Also, am I understanding correctly that you're quite recently single with a small baby? That in itself is hard and isolating - I'm sorry.)

just seen that you're a mum as well- that adds a whole other dimension! i have felt like an outsider while my kids at primary (and i've recently heard from a friend who moved away and is experiencing just this) my last kid is about to go to secondary school and i can't bloody wait. sorry not much help if you have a babe in arms but it might be good to know that it's possible to feel as you do and be a brit. i now have a couple mum friends but nothing to do with kids in same classes, groups etc. you'll find your tribe again- and good to hear that you're moving to the town.

What do you mean by too flashy?

I have an MA too but am a SAHM now. I have quite a few friends - some of them are more highly educated some are less. Some are career driven, some aren't. I really don't think any of that matters - I'm friends with them because they're nice , funny people not because of how much money they have or whether they can discuss the merits of obscure Scottish literature with me.

Your attitude is very alien to me .

I don't watch the soaps or love island either. And I'm rough as toast. 💁🏻‍♀️

You do come across as condescending I’m afraid. I love classical music and would be classed in old fashioned terms as a blue stocking. I was an academic librarian and am married to a Professor. One of my closest friends that lives locally to me is a Mum I met on the school run who has no qualifications and works in NMW jobs. I am a practicing Christian and she is an atheist, She was a very young Mum when we met as had her DS as a teenager I was a much older Mum, I’m almost old enough to be her Mum. We share a very similar sense of humour though and remain friends though our sons are now 18. She says it herself that she is as rough as a badgers arse, she almost went to juvenile jail at 16 and had been in court many times.

I trust that woman with my life and more than any friend, when I was seriously ill a few years ago and almost died she stood by me. Another friend who I had known for ten years and had met at work and was far more similar to me in educational levels etc was off and absolutely broke my heart.

I know the old adage birds of a feather flock together but we all limit our life’s experience by just sticking with our own type.

I’ve not met any other needle felting Bowie fans. Your daughter sounds right on my wavelength maria.

Your move is a good thing. If you have time definitely look for music groups in your new area. Do you play an instrument? If so see if there’s a suitable group. Choir is a great idea and if your in luck there might be one if the more ‘contemporary’ style WI groups within reach. Some have a good mix of ages and are fairly diverse but it is a matter of luck as to whether there’s one near and meeting a convenient time.

Villages are also the luck of the draw I think. My DB lives in a very small village in the New Forest. He’s the only Jew in the village but their is a very welcoming community and luckily because he’s a musician has always been called upon for panto music, tuition etc. But he is lucky he ended up in a not cliquey place.

I really hope your move is a new start and a better fit. Keep an open mind, don’t rule anyone out until you are really sure they’re not for you and go to as many things as you can that sound possible.

Stop trying to fit in and just be yourself.

You don't sound as if you like the locals very much. If you don't like them, they won't like you.

Invite neighbours round for drinks and some fabulous Jewish/American snacks/food. Make it a regular thing if you like. People like free drinks and food and a nosey around someone's house. You could even turn it into a book club.

OP, a couple of points. Sorry, but you do give the impression of looking down on other people. Perhaps this is unintentional, but that’s how it comes across.

You realise people have (wrong) pre-conceptions about Americans? Be aware of that and make sure you don’t mistakenly say anything that could be interpreted as boasting or being better than everyone else.

Conversely, stop having pre-conceptions about those around you. Apart from the rudeness, it means you’re potentially losing out on some good friends. It sounds like you’ve already decided the people around you aren’t for you, but I don’t think you’ve given them a chance.

You categorise people by their motherhood, but there’ll be far more to them. Many SAHMs start of by talking about children because that’s a good opener. But they can then move on to travel, books, careers, academia, sport, philosophy, etc etc.

You’re writing people off without properly knowing them!

I think I can work out roughly where you are in the U.K. I was born there and I grew up surrounded by a wide variety of fascinating people who might have been from the West Country (I hate that term as it can be disparaging) and lived in villages, but were clever, knowledgable, widely travelled, well-read....

They’re all around you, OP! But you’re just assuming there’s no one like you there.

Check you’re not coming across as stuck-up, start to chat (yes, even if it’s initially about children), open your mind and look for things you have in common. No matter how people seem initially, you’ll find there’s far more to them underneath.

Likewise, they’ll find there’s more to you than your privileged upbringing.

You should stop making assumptions about people you haven't met. I'm a SAHM, I don't watch daytime soaps, I watch CBEEBIES and Paw Patrol, my children insist on it! I don't watch Love Island, it's DP's TV as well and he'd never watch that. We have Amazon Prime and like to watch various series. I didn't go to university, I didn't even finish my A Levels yet this doesn't seem to bother my DP who has two degrees and a Masters. Be more open minded, be friendly and interested in people you meet.

It's funny about the parties. A few moons ago when I was with my exH we used to host some massive parties (I like hosting and he liked to be seen as the "friendly" boss). We did invite a few moms I was friendly with. Eventually we started going out. I always felt I had to play a version of me to fit in better but as I was going out I was OK with that. Well it turns out they only liked coming over for the parties and free booze. They also liked to make fun us (my exH and I) behind our backs. That really hurt my self esteem. Another mom has always been nice to me, we don't click per se, but she knows I'm lonely (she once brought a cake for my birthday).
She's lovely but there's always something missing. I did invite her to a Hanukkah party last year. I do count her as a friend but I know we aren't close.

What you really need to do op as an opener is talk about the bloody weather! It’s blowing a hoolie where I live today. I’m off to high tea this afternoon at my friends church and guarantee that will be the opening chat amongst the people I don’t know and very possibly some of the ones I do. Just to add I’m mixed race and live in a very white area so am a bit of an oddity but have made many great friends but I give off very friendly vibes apparently.

I don't think massive parties are a great idea, but if you only have say, ten people you will chat properly and get to know them. But yes, don't invite people who make fun of you!

Sounds like you're an annoying as fuck 'career woman' who appears to look down on other people because you were raised to think you were better than them.

And it's really easy for Americans who don't think they're better than others to come across to Brits like they do (Brits try and do extreme modesty whether faux or not and Americans do not) so a privileged American who does think she's better than them? I bet you come across as a self obsessed narc

I see this - I do look for peopl of like mind - I live in a small hamlet not even a village- 80 houses so not a teeny one. But I know people here but in terms of would I class them as friends - no, acquaintances yes. DD went to local primary which was lovely but I was 20 yrs older than most mums (and some) so got to know people but never clicked or was accepted into any groups.

I was seen as a SAHM but actually I wasn't at all - first 3 yrs i WFH and commuted to Brum or London weekly, but made time to drop and collect from school albeit for a while with afterschool care.

I am prob still in touch regularly with about 3 or 4 of the Mums but that is all it is, no one makes time for me even though I have made time in the past etc. I made a local friend and then had to assist in her escape from an abusive marriage and she moved miles away, she was very different to me and had a completely different upbringing, career and outlook on many things and yes loves trash TV - I hardly even watch the tv I do like.

I have friends all around the country from a hobby, I have business friends ie met through various businesses I have run/owned etc and some work based ones that have lasted. I can count my entire friend ship base (ie ring at 3amm for an emergency) on one hand and probably only the useful fingers.

Friends are not people you have to pretend with and not people you have to suggest 15 meets ups to before they begrudgingly say yes to meet for an hour over coffee.